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Friend says my girlfriend cheated, she says she didn't, who should I believe?

Tagged as: Cheating, Dating, Friends, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (16 February 2010) 6 Answers - (Newest, 17 February 2010)
A male United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I think my GF cheated on me while skinny dipping.

I had to work that night and she went out with some friends and ended up at a pool party. According to a mutual friend that was there, as the night progressed and people drank more the swimmers eventually were skinny dipping, which isn't the huge problem with me. Sure I'd rather be there, but innocent fun is fine as long as there is no touching.

Well the swimmers were playing miscellaneous games, like chicken fighting (which sort of disturbed me as my GF naked crotch was rubbing on some dude's head and her naked tits were exposed to all, but ultimately this I can get over. Some other things I can't.

They were playing a game of where they would swim underwater through a ghauntlet of legs and the goal was to swim forward and backward without touching. All seemed innocent, but according to this mutual friend (who was sitting on the side of the pool) there was a time or two where my GF seemed to stop between one of the men's legs and he couldn't make out anything in detail, he did hear the man saying things lik "oh yeah, like that" and little moans as if she was giving him head. These stops didn't last more than 10 seconds or so he said.

Then later on, my friend saw her in the water hanging on this guy facing him with her legs wrapped around him. They weren't bouncing like they were having sex, but they weren't absolutely still either, and she was lined up as if penetration was possible, but being underwater it wasn't evident that there was penetration or not.

I've brought this to her attention that I know and she swears that it was strictly innocent. There was no penetration of any orifice and no extra-curricular touching of any sort. I told her either way I'm upset and behavior as such is not appropriate if she wishes to remain in a committed relationship with me that behaviour like this has to stop. But if she did cross that line from what she says happened to what my friend witnessed, then I don't think I can forgive her.

So what do I do? Trust my friend or my GF?

View related questions: cheated on me

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2010):

Me again. Yes thats exactly what Im saying, if nothing else has been specified, and you two don't have the same logic or standards, if it's not been deemed illegal it's still legal. Your case was a bit extreme, what most people draw the line at is kissing and sex (as in touching of intimate areas). But many have lines elsewhere, and she was drunk and probably bent her boundaries a little without thinking.

Im just saying, if this is a one time thing, and you can get over it like you seem to be capable of judging by your (may I add mature) post, why not give her the benefit of the doubt. As for your friend, I have an american boyfriend who said that some guys will "report" to their friends about what their gf's are doing and calling it cheating or inappropriate even if it technically isnt. Like there's one friend of his that reports and says nasty things even if a girl is just sitting on another mans lap. Im just saying, you should trust your gf first and not a friend who didn't really see anything happen!

Back to common sense: if you haven't discussed the lines with your girlfriend, it's about time to do so. If she promises never to do it again and this was a one time thing, I think you should let it pass. Really. Just as an example, I once kissed a friend of mine during a drinking game, and while it was all innocent my boyfriend didn't like it, while exes of mine wouldn't have raised an eyebrow.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2010):

Flynn24: But that's the problem, I'm afraid that my GF is not sitting on my totem pole but another man's!

I've been cheated on in the past and I caught her flat out, but still tried to deny it even though I had proof. It's denial, people think they can double dip and not get caught. So of course she will deny it when there is no proof.

What if the tables turned and I was in the pool naked with a naked girl draped all over me, how would she feel?

and female anonymous are you saying that areas and rules of our relationship that haven't been discussed it's ok for her to do these things? Even if it is common sense? So since she didn't specifically tell me I can't have anal sex with other women, just vaginal sex does that make it ok for me to go have anal sex with a girl since it hasn't been discussed? Sure that is more extreme to prove a point, but IMO I think common law of people in a committed relationship is that you don't make physical contact with another naked body.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2010):

As much as you gotta trust and love your friends.

Your romantic partner sits higher up on the totem pole. So it must be them who you side with first and foremost.

Unless your friend has clear evidence, then side with your lover. This is the natural order.

Flynn 24

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A female reader, fishdish United States + , writes (17 February 2010):

fishdish agony auntI agree with anonymous. Because nothing was REALLY even witnessed by the friend I feel like you should trust your gf more. are there any other people you could ask that went to the party? I also feel like, during that game described, that that guy was just getting cocky and making a joke at your gf's expense.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2010):

Trust your girlfriend, your friend didn't really see her do anything, he's just guessing. As for your girlfriend, this was indeed inappropriate behavior, but you are dealing with it in a good way. The gray zones of what is cheating or not can't always be mapped out with ease, and this was one area you two hadn't looked at yet, so your girlsfriend didnt think it was wrong. Now she knows better and as long as she's agreeing to not do it again and apologizes, I think it's safe to stay in a relationship with her. People make mistakes now and then, and they learn. Its the only way to learn. Whats important is that she respects you and your boundaries, like you will respect hers. Whats not important is what your friend think about her.

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A male reader, CaringGuy United Kingdom + , writes (16 February 2010):

Well, you're the most patient saint on this site. I mean that. I wouldn't trust her in a million years after her behaviour at that party. No way. I think your friend told the truth. I think your girlfriend is lying.

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