A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'm a 16 year old girl and over the last year or so I've realised that I'm bisexual. I'm really happy with my sexuality, although it's diffuclt to deal with sometimes, but it's pretty obvious to all my friends and we can joke about it. But I was really scared about coming out, and hadn't come out to any of them until a few months ago when we went on a camping trip with school. The first night one of my closest friends and I were together in our tent. She's the sort of friend who I've always been close with and who shares all her gossip with me, but there are a lot of things we disagree on as well. She's also the sort of friend who I always joke around with, making dirty comments and spooning, stuff like that, but I never took it seriously. I realised recently that I found her really attractive, and often found myself wishing she wasn't straight - and didn't have a boyfriend (they've been going strong for over two years). So in the tent that night, we were having the standard deep and meaningful conversations, and she was telling me about how much she loves her boyfriend and all the plans they have for the future (it was really cute). Later, after we'd been talking for hours, we were lyng there really close, even though it was really hot outside, and our noses were touching. It was pitch dark so she started doing this where she would stick out her tongue and be like "what's that?" when it touched my face. It was pretty funny and I was joining in, but I started getting pretty worried that I was going to do something I'd regret, since I'm attracted to her and as far as I knew, she's straight and has a boyfriend. I told her I was bi then, and told her that I was trying really hard not to kiss her.So you'd agree it was pretty damn surprising for me when she started kissing me. I was both utterly confused and ecstatic, and I went along with it of course. I asked her if she was sure she wanted to do this, because I was thinking of if her boyfriend found out. But she said yes, only for me, and so we got pretty into it that night. It was like a dream come true, and it happened again the next night and the night after. During the day we were both so paranoid that everyone had seen us, but as soon as we were alone together it was brilliant. But after a few days, I dunno if it was because she missed her boyfriend, felt guilty or something else, she kinda just stopped wanting to do anything. We didn't talk about it or explain why we felt attracted to each other, it just stopped, and that left me wondering what I'd done wrong.Since the trip (about 2 months ago), we haven't spoken about it. We occasionally joke with one another, but I feel like I need to talk to her and ask, "Why?!". The whole time there and since, it has been so confusing for me, because I can't understand why she'd want to do all that with me in the first place, let alone cheat on her boyfriend with a girl.And she's one of those people that can make you feel really bad about things for no reason, so when she makes a joke about me being bi or proudly tells everyone how straight she is just to see my reaction, I feel like crap. It sucks, because it was a brilliant few nights, and of course I want to do it again, but I don't want this issue of not knowing where everything stands between us. But I feel worried about talking to her, beacuse it's such an intimite thing and she's kinda intimidating, and because I don't want to sound like I just want to get with her again and freak her out like that.So I guess my qustion after all that is: what should I do in this situation, and why do you think she just stopped wanting me without saying anything?? I know it's hard to relate to, but I think about it every day and it really gets to me sometimes.... Thanks so much for your advice!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2010): Even if you are bisexual, you can still be monogamous. You can still find satisfaction from commitment with one person. As a heterosexual, I am attracted to men. However, I choose to be with one. If I were bisexual and attracted to both men and women, I could choose either one... when making that commitment. It does not mean that I would be denying myself anything. Because in the light of day, being hetero means that I am attracted to males... men ... I choose to commit myself to one. Do you see where I am going with this?
She may also be bisexual but may not be comfortable choosing a lesbian relationship with you. If she can swing from either tree, perhaps she chooses to swing from his tree.
Is she being dishonest? Yes, in light of her making jokes concerning your bisexuality. However, that is not your concern. Your concern is your honesty with yourself.
You can see your life as an open book. A life where you can find someone and choose a gender as your mate. Being bisexual does not necessarily mean that you have to swing from both trees, but that you have a wider selection of potential trees.
Her coming to grips with her life may take her some time to do. You are comfortable with who you are and that is terrific. However, we are the drivers of our own cars and you can drive yours in any direction you choose. You can choose a male or a female... each gives you a different life outcome. When considering which tree to swing from... look at the entirety of the life it brings you and whether it is a lifestyle you really want. You can pick a tree to swing from.
If you learn that you are really truly lesbian rather than bi... in other words you really prefer girls... and yet can be with a male... then that is a personal truth you need to come to peace with and make decisions on how you can live a good and fulfilling life.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2010): Hi, this is the asker again.
In response to your 'help'....sorry, but I'm clearly not one for thinking "straight" as you say. I'm bisexual, attracted to women and men and attracted to my friend. I can't just "forget" what happened, it's a big deal for me who's generally not one to do things like this...some real advice would be appreciated...
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A
male
reader, turbine  +, writes (7 November 2010):
You must stop this kissing thing right away. Forget your lesbian encounter and get ahead in life. She is doing the right thing by not bringing up the topic. That's the way it should be. Imagine if her boyfriend comes to know about it? It will become disastrous. So you must start thinking straight now and get ahead in life. Probably she is wiser than you and her wise nature has averted some grave disasters of future. What you should do now is make a boyfriend of your own now and make out with him.
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A
male
reader, turbine +, writes (7 November 2010):
You must stop this kissing thing right away. Forget your lesbian encounter and get ahead in life. She is doing the right thing by not bringing up the topic. That's the way it should be. Imagine if her boyfriend comes to know about it? It will become disastrous. So you must start thinking straight now and get ahead in life. Probably she is wiser than you and her wise nature has averted some grave disasters of future. What you should do now is make a boyfriend of your own now and make out with him.
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