A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:M led me on for approximately 9 months. It started off as a normal friendship, however it quickly became intense with the knowledge of his life partner passing away a couple of years ago. For reasons unbeknown to me, he chose to get close to me in regards to this. It was a stable form of emotional support for him in this area. But also at the same time, it was evident very early on that our friendship was not platonic. We would have sleepovers and share a bed together etc, and a few months into our friendship he kissed me. He was upfront and explained in the beginning he did not want to hurt me. However throughout the duration of our time together he sent me many many signals indicating he saw me as strong potential for his future. By the time that he kissed me I did like him very much and was no longer able to pretend that we were just regular friends. At this time he picked up emotionally (in regards to his grief for his lost partner) and started meeting up with multiple girls to form new friendships. At this time he pulled away from me. I spoke to him on the phone and voiced how I felt and he reassured me that he respected me and that he just needed to be a 'free spirit' at this time. Other times he would talk to me he would very clearly point out to me what a great man he is. When it got to the point where i was annoyed at him, he said i should not wait for him. Basically he wanted me to like him... and then I did in fact like him... then he didn't want me anymore and put walls between us. All the while he is doing much better now in life and is trying to meet more women. I always tried to let him know that I was aware he could not be in a relationship. I just wanted respect as a friend. The way he put walls between us really hurt after I had been so close with him previously and tried to support him as much as I could. He made me believe for the first few months that he was very trustworthy and caring. Then it seemed like his personality just flipped. Now we are no longer talking and he has spoken poorly of me to his friends. Was he just scared of things heading towards a relationship? Or did he just use me emotionally (to get over his past) and physically (to get comfortable with women again)? I am feeling devastated about this situation as he made many promises that he did not live up to. Any help would be appreciated. Thank you. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (28 February 2012):
 definitely make an appointment asap for a chat with your Doctor about what may be temporary depression and then, yes, off to some face to face counselling.
Please do not let it linger until you find yourself sinking into an abyss.
Your health must come first, especially if your job is demanding and sometimes stressful.
Best wishes
Abella
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThought I was doing better, but now I am back to waking up in the mornings as sad as ever. Only now I am super busy with assessments I don't really have time to worry so much. Considering trying to find the time to go to some actual face-to-face counselling if I don't start feeling better soon.
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (15 February 2012):
 I do understand how you are feeling believe me... Please take care of yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your response, Miamine. Your latest lengthy reply does help me. I'm actually indifferent at the moment in terms of my mood. So I guess that's good, definitely not as upset as I was previously.
The whole thing was just so complicated. There's more details I could add to explain it all but it's pretty hard to explain clearly over text, so i won't.
Thanks again.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (14 February 2012):
"I have not tried to say I've been an angel in this situation, but I got stuck in it deeper and more quickly than I realised when it was happening."
Personal responsibility at last.... and religion has no bearing on how people deal with death. But now your angry with me, so I will stop. It is better for you to be angry with me, and I have no problem with that. I don't want you to be upset with him, or upset with yourself because sometimes things just don't work out. Anger is a better emotion than devastation for you right now.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (14 February 2012):
Thanks for your update. So you felt promises were made because he told you he loved you, talked about marriage and kids and told you he was a great person. Telling someone you love them is a kind of promise, and yes speaking about marriage and kinds are a kind of sign.
But I asked about personal responsibility. Yes he has not dealt with you well, and may have indicated that you two had a romantic future together. But if this was a man writing this story I would tell him the same thing. Unless their was a direct promise to you, an offer to be boyfriend or girlfriend, an offer of engagement, this is all just still talking. If you had been a man, I would have always warned of the dangers of mixing up friendship and love. I wouldn't have said the woman led you on, I would have said the same thing. If her partner had died and she was looking for comforrt and you as a friend gave it to in the expectation of getting more back, then you also wasn't playing fair.
What kind of relationships do I have... Always very good. But that's because I like direct people, but I am also honest and direct with myself as well. My response was one sided to balance your one sided story because as you say, nothing is ever as clear cut as we think. You say he and you are moral people, and yes I believe that. Which means he's not a wicked person who used and abused you, and your not the cartoon character I outlined who tried to trap a grieving man with her body.
Nope it's more complicated than that. Hints were made, things were assumed, nothing concrete was really promised and nobody made the move to make things more official, or ask what was going on. By pulling away and telling you he is dating other people, finally something has been laid on the table which cannot be mistaken.
He may have seriously considered settling down and realised that although he likes you he doesn't love you enough. He may have realised that he's not really giving himself an opportunity to get to know other people and be rushing into a relationship with you just to avoid pain. People who have been bereaved recently, newly divorced people, it does take them some time to work out what they want, and during that time they can be confused and be giving out mixed messages and misleading signals, and then finally go off with someone else or do something different. As you said "his personality just flipped"
The reason why I wanted you to look it from the other side is it's no good just blaming this one man. Unless you can learn the lesson of who is suitable dating or marriage material, you may make the same mistake again. If you felt like a romantic attachment was happening, you should have discussed it properly and asked for some idea about commitment. But assuming attachment from a man whose heart may be somewhere else (to someone who died, to his ex or his ex-wife) that often leads to heartache.
As to what now, only because he lacks manners and is now hurtful to someone who tried to help, I suggest that his decision to cut all contact is the best one for you. But even now the man is not stable emotionally, suddenly he wants to be a "free spirit", where he probably never thought like this before and is just flying away with the wind, because he realise life is short.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMiamine, thanks again for your response. You have written in your response you 'assume' certain aspects. Firstly I need to say it's wrong to assume. Also you have assumed I have been 'very careful' in my wording of this so that I can purposely paint myself out to be a victim. I did not do that, hence my explaining certain aspects like, 'he did not want to hurt me', 'he was upfront' etc. I have not tried to hide aspects that show he basically warned me of getting involved. I have not tried to say I've been an angel in this situation, but I got stuck in it deeper and more quickly than I realised when it was happening. So I have come to this site because I have been hurt.
I didn't come onto him or anything, he initiated what happened with us and that is why of all the advice I have received, the point about him 'being irresponsible with his grief' is the best I think I have read. Also I have received information from a male that has been very useful to me. It's not my responsibility to teach him right and wrong just because he has been deeply hurt in the past. I repeat we both are people that don't believe in casual hookups. I think this may be where some of the advice has come back to me from a different place. Miamine, myself and the guy involved are both Christian. We see this sort of thing differently from Athiests. Please don't take offence to what I have written, it is not intended for that. We just come from different worlds of beliefs. Thank you again for all the advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your responses. Miamine I understand what you're saying, but it is not as clear cut as you put it. It sure maybe easy to look at it that way when it's just words on a screen and not a situation that you were a part of. I am not saying that I helped him so that I would end up his partner. He kissed me and I did like him because he worked hard to impress me. He would spend much of his time telling me what a great guy he is, that he is (in his words) 'one in a million'. The same night that he kissed me he told me earlier that evening that he felt he was ready to move on & that same night he also told me that he loved me. Down the track he also spoke of (in his words) 'marriage, having babies & a white picket fence'. He did clearly want me to like him as more than a friend. When I say I wanted respect as a friend, it's because I told him I understood he could not commit. What I wasn't ok with was things escalating past friendship, then him not having the decency to talk to me about - even as a friend. Pushing me away completely and not discussing it? That's immaturity in my opinion.
No he didn't owe me a relationship, but I believe he owed me more respect than I got. I'm not sure what experiences you've been through, but I think your response in his favour is one-sided. I had not shared every detail because I don't feel comfortable doing that on a website incase he ever saw it.
If he really didn't want me to like him, there's no real reason why he would have spent so much of his time over many many months proclaiming how fantastic he is and what a great husband and dad he will be. Might I also add, the night he kissed me he said he wouldn't break my heart. I didn't ask him to say anything. He came out with that all on his own. He knew with me that I don't do that sort of thing just for 'random fun'. We both have high morals when it comes to this stuff and have not been with many people in our lives.
Anyway I think I have received enough from this site. Thank you to everyone who has answered.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (13 February 2012):
Don't think you'll like what I will say, but I'll take your invitation up.Question for you... What responsibility do you have to you? What is your responsibility for developing this situation? I read your story very carefully, and I noticed how you use words. Very careful words. In every single line you put, the responsibility is on him, everything that happened is because he caused it. It's as if you weren't involved in anything at all, or he is a puppet master and you've just been the doll.Let's go back and look again.1. His partner had died, he told you this. I'm assuming when you told you this, he also told you he was unavailable for love but wanted friendship. I assume he wasn't dating you or trying to start a romantic relationship. "For reasons unbeknown to me, he chose to get close to me in regards to this" But it was known to you, if someone tells you about their dead partner and doesn't date, you know they are still sad about it.2. He didn't lie to you about his feelings, he told you the truth.. "He was upfront and explained in the beginning he did not want to hurt me"3. But you didn't want to listen, you saw some sexual (not loving) feelings (signs) and agreed to share a bed. " But also at the same time, it was evident very early on that our friendship was not platonic."... not a proper relationship, he's not offered to make you his girlfriend, but your kissing and sharing his bed... all with your agreement I have to suppose.4. He comes out of his grief and starts thinking of a future... did he promise it would be you? Why because of the kisses.. Or he mentioned something vague and non-committing and you expected marriage? You've known him 9months, and no mention of dating only friendship, what sign was there that this was something more?5. He told you he wants to be a "free spirit".. (translation, your not my girlfriend, I never promised you that I would be your boyfriend, I'm a single man and I want to go dating and can't give you what you want) He told you not to wait for him."then he didn't want me anymore and put walls between us"... he explained carefully he will not have a committed relationship with you, you want more, he can't give it, and you can't understand why he's pulling away. If he got closer what then? Would you still be complaining that he's giving you signals and tricking you into liking him? Remember he wasn't supposed to want you in the first place because you were just friends. (see 6)6) "I always tried to let him know that I was aware he could not be in a relationship. I just wanted respect as a friend"This is why I asked about your responsibility for this situation. You understood that he couldn't have a relationship, so why are you bothered that he's out being a "free spirit" with other girls. You said you wanted respect as a friend, but what kind of friend ends up in his bed kissing him. You say you wanted to be his friend, but early on you said you weren't "regular friends" and this relationship wasn't platonic.He cause all this, what on his own and unbeknownst to you?To answer your questions"Was he just scared of things heading towards a relationship?" - Nope, there was no relationship, he never wanted one, he never promised you one, it's you that wants to keep the guy and want's a relationship. It's you that may be in love with him, he's not in love with you."Or did he just use me emotionally (to get over his past) and physically (to get comfortable with women again)?" - Yes probably, but you knew that. Did you try to trap him by offering to be his friend, to let him cry on your shoulder, to cuddle him at nights so he wouldn't get lonely. Didn't you hope that when he stopped crying, you would be the woman he turned to in the end?You want the walls put down? Why? So your good friend the "free spirit" can introduce you to his new girlfriend. That's what friend's do after all, include you in their lives, tell you about their new loves."I am feeling devastated about this situation as he made many promises that he did not live up to."I know you are, and part of this is because you hide the truth from yourself, blame him for everything, refuse to see the reality of the situation YOU put yourself in. You liked him, he was free and heartbroken. You thought if you helped him he would love you. You thought if you kissed that would mean a promise. Your upset because he's out of his confusion and he is walking away.Tell me one promise that he made to you. You said there are promises, what are they? To always be your friend, well I think you broke that yourself, when the relationship stopped being platonic and you became upset when he said he was single and intended to find a date.I'm not saying he's a good guy. But befriend a guy in grieving and then expect some reward.. nope that doesn't work, same with the guy's who are newly divorced. Led you on, actually I'm not sure who was leading who.Find a guy who loves you for you, not because you want to force him to love you. Find a guy who is able to give as well as receive, don't try to buy a guy with good deeds. Yes you love him, yes you want him in your life, yes you will cry. But you can't hold onto a guy who just can't give you love, it would make him unhappy and you resentful because he just can't give you more.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 February 2012):
 I agree fully with Abella, look at his actions. Are those the actions of a man who is serious? Decent?
It doesn't "speak" free spirit to me, it "speaks" more of a " I will do as I please to overcome my loss, at anyone expense."
If you are looking for a guy to be serious with, he isn't it.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (13 February 2012):
Guys sometimes talk about the things they think a girl wants to hear. And when I hear:
"did not want to hurt" you
Then I call that remark above 'code' for "i am not reliable so don't get your hopes up. Because I cannot deliver what I am promising.
Then look at a guy's ACTIONS and his actions were to seek out new partners. This is not a loyal man and so he was signallying that the party was over, when you reported that he he:
"started meeting up with multiple girls to form new friendships. At this time he pulled away from me"
Then he signalled even more strongly that he was not going to stick around and be Mr Reliable, and he was unable to be there as a reliable man in your life when you reported that he said:
"he just needed to be a 'free spirit' at this time. Other times he would talk to me he would very clearly point out to me what a great man he is. When it got to the point where i was annoyed at him, he said i should not wait for him."
Plus his remarks above shows he is supremely confident of his ability to interest him. On HIS TERMS. He also strongly signalled that he is not therefore you when he said that you", 'should not wait for him'
How much more clearly does he have to say it. He did use you and mislead you.
And now it is time to heal. Wonderful Uncle in DearCupid - Anonymousmale1 has a few suggestions to help you:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/10-things-to-help-you-get-over-a.html
And this guy's actions, sadly, indicated to you that:
"he didn't want me anymore and put walls between us"
His actions would have really hurt you.
He was convincing and able to get you to believe certain things. These are things that men who want to be 'players'really hone to a high level of skills. They do it because they can. Their voice and tone and contect sound so engaging and convincing. But they are playing with a girl's emotions and hopes for the future.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/10-situations-that-scream-hes-a-player.html
The only good thing I can say is that at least he did not use you financially. But just to be on the safe side. Great DearCupid Aunt ChiGirl's article, below, will help you avoid this other type of guy, detailed below:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-to-avoid-being-used-financially.html
I do hope that this experience can help you to grow and learn and avoid guys who seem too good to be true and who start suportive things at the outset. But then they change once they have achieved their aims.
It feels horrible as if you have been scammed.
But you know you do deserve much better than this? DearCupid can give you the good support to get there
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhen I said signals I was talking about direct things he said to show he envisioned a future with me.
Thank you for your suggestions.
Anyone else's thoughts would be appreciated xo
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 February 2012):
 It depends. If he has made you many promises that he has not lived up to, then yes, he has intentionally misled you and used you, it would seem clear cut.
But, you also talk of " signals " and "potential", and that makes it slightly different, insofar you have to ask yourself if there has been any wishful thinking on your side. " Potential " means that something could possibly, but not certainly , happen. That it could go a certain way if the stars are aligned right.. or also could not. In other words, it's a case of buyer beware. " At your own risk and peril ". As for signals... I don't believe in "signals " once one is out of high school. Adults know what they want, say what they mean and mean what they say.
Very simple and neat. So, perhaps you may have overestimated the importance of your initial closeness and sleepovers for him, in lack of anything more explicit than
just signals.
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (11 February 2012):
you are very welcome, I was happy to offer what I could.
Regards
Abella
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIf anyone else would like to offer their thoughts I'd really appreciate it. Thanks!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Abella & Honeypie for your answers - very grateful.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (10 February 2012):
It could be once you returned feelings he backed of because he in fact don't want to start a new relationship and is still mourning his former partner, however, he has got a really odd form of grief handling, by "befriending women" to me it seems like he was toying with you, to see if he "still" had it.
I would forget all about this douchebag.
I don't care that his partner passed away, that is no excuse to act like a giant tool.
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (10 February 2012):
Sadly yes he did use you and it was not nice. You offered him support when he was at a low ebb. You made life more bearable for him. Though he tried to warn you that he was not the grateful type.
In fact as soon as his 'ship' was righted emotionally he sailed into new waters. No doubt crashing against the rocks, leaving a series of girls saddened when he wanted to set another course.(apologies for the yachting talk - but this guy started off as if he was benign and then became a pirate)
He used you to mark time until he felt stronger.
Sadly this pirate only wants to take and enjoy your affection and then move on.
He has done you a favor to reveal his obvious shallow nature.
Look at his actions. Whatever he said he felt has to be a partial or a full lie. He is not worth your time.
He has taught you some valuable (though sad) lessons.
Yes, you will be much more wary next time.
Though please do not judge all men to be as shallow as him.
Please check out the fantastic answers from AnonymousMale1 on what makes a guy a player.
And by the way this guy M you were involved with wasn't even a A1 first class player. But he was bad enough to help you spot a guy like this again.
Please embrace life. Join some interesting classes. Book a lovely holiday. Be kind to yourself. And work out what you do want in a man. It is certainly not a guy like M. He was false and what you saw (at first) was not what he was really offering. It's a tough lesson, but please remember it well. He is the sort of guy you should never never ever waste your time with ever again.
So sorry that you were used so badly after you were so kind.
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