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female
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*ikkie
writes: I'm 22 years old and I have been with my boyfriend since I have been 15. We have lived together for 4 years and lately I feel that I don't love him and that we have grown apart. I tried talking to him about taking a break but he just made me feel guilty and brushed it off. I have been so unhappy that I have let someone else into my life and I really care for the other person. I am so confused I don't know what to do.
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reader, schlottjl  +, writes (24 August 2005):
 Usually, I would advise that it is absolutely normal to feel the itch about now. That is, you are at the point in a long term relationship when almost all people begin to question their love for their lover. The rest felt it last year or will feel it in the next year or two. Keep that in mind for use over the long run.
However, you have been with this guy probably since you really began dating (adult style). Here is the thing about dating. It is not marriage. You really should take advantage of this and try out a few guys before settling in on one. In your case, you should probably move out and take that break.
I say, move out and be single for a while. To me single means you are of the status that can say yes if some guy you are attracted to asks you out. This means try to not allow any relationship get to the point of very serious or at least don't live with a guy until you have dated say 4 guys more than once each.
Give yourself a chance to find out what you do and don't want in a man. You don't have the knowledge to know what you want yet so you can't know if your current boyfriend is the one. If he is the combination of qualities you want then you two dating others a bit will settle the issue and bring you closer. If not, you will be happy you left.
One last thing, don't feel guilty about this. Looking back, don't you agree that a 15 year old girl can't properly choose what is best for her. Also, keep in mind it is not easy to hear that your girlfriend wants a break. He will feel rotten and he should. It is not the end of the world for him and can be a great learning lesson so long as you respect where he is and how he must feel.
Also, men are notorious for not getting it. They usually don't see the signs that their gal is unhappy or leaving until she is over it and already out the door. In my experience, when a relationship winds down and no one was acting outrageously (cheating, lying...), women mourn the relationship before the relationship dies and men mourn it after.
Whenever you feel guilty, do an action check. People who should feel guilty seldom do. They usually are in denial or don't want to own up to their actions, even to themselves. Those who feel guilty often, are often the opposite. They take on guilt that should not be. Expand your vocabulary to use words like compassion, sympathy, regret, or just plain sad and unfortunate. It is better to set him free to grow up too.
Just do not cheat and do not lie. Have the integrity to leave before setting up the next relationship. In fact, try to not move in with guys as it is a sure fire way to ruin a relationship. It is an arrangement that benefits the guy and not the girl. Do some research and you will see there are many reasons why and perhaps this knowledge will help you make better choices as you navigate the fast paced dating world.
Good luck!
A
female
reader, kay_cee_80 +, writes (24 August 2005):
I was in a relationship with a guy for 6 and a half years, and we were engaged. In hind sight that was my first mistake as I was only 18 when we got engaged.
I think because we'd been together so long and from a fairly young age, we had grown apart and changed over time, and I found that instead of loving him, I felt he was more just a friend. There was no spark anymore, and I was starting to look elsewhere (although I didn't stray). I tried talking to him about it, but we got no-where. He knew he was loosing me, and started spending more money on me taking me to posh hotels for weekends away etc.
But in the end the extra cash and attention wasn't going to solve anything. I really didn't love him anymore, and thought that the longer I left it the worse it would get. So I broke it off with him, even though it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I think if you really don't love him anymore, and you are started to feel trapped and unhappy it's best for all parties involved if you call it a day.
Do you think it's fair for him to be in a relationship with no love from you, or is it fair on you too feel so unhappy.
If you leave it it'll get worse, and will get harder to break away from. Trust the voice of experience!
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A
male
reader, Scoops +, writes (24 August 2005):
You really need to sit down and talk with your boyfriend properly. Tell him that you are unhappy and that if things dont get better then you will leave him! I know this may sound harsh but if he does not know then things will never get better.Also tell the other person to stay away just untill you find out what it is you truly want.
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