A
male
age
,
BazingaToZulus
writes:Nothing is really written in stone is it, many things can change dramatically, some can change a little and a few are more or less stable. Dignity and a sense of worth seems so fragile and volatile in some people these days and for them it's always a fight that they're persuaded they will lose, without even trying and they lose themselves. When it comes to relationships we all need reassurance, we need to feel loved, secure and in control, well at least some control, but the thing is that even if you think you have it but in reality you don't. A few years ago something happened in my life and because of this I got interested in learning and researching on alternative lifestyles, not as individuals but within the confine of a marriage or a serious relationship. I want to point out that I wasn't interested in this because I wanted to live my love life outside of the conventional arena, I'm monogamous and I'll always be monogamous, no it was something else I was searching for something but I didn't know exactly what I was looking for. Along the way I learned a lot and I've made great friends and met wonderful people and of course I've met some people who weren't so wonderful. One thing that irritated the hell out of me was that sense of sacrifice for the good of a relationship or in the name of understanding and acceptance when confronted by a partner who wants to look elsewhere. Well let me fill you in on one thing, It's not acceptance that compels them to reluctantly yield to demands that they know will break them sooner or later, It's fear and your fears are their best weapons. First of all, I think that the concept of polyamory is wonderful, what could be better than to share love, and I agree with it when it's done right. The true definition of polyamory is being altered all the time by cheaters, liars and emotionally self centered narcissists who found a way of getting around that infidelity problem and let their idea of what non monogamy is fit their own agendas and so far it's served them well. Some people who are completely lost and in need of help are asking the right questions but very often to the wrong people and then they are made to feel like they're the ones with the problem and are manipulated and some times bullied into this, running around in circles because they can't see the end of the tunnel. Their self esteem is usually at an all time low, that is if they have any left and they are glued to their computers hoping to find someone who can take their pain away. Questions ?, well let me help you a little on some you may have. 1 - Polyamory as a lifestyle is not a state of being, it's a choice, a preference and when it's practice ethically both partners are on the same page and they both agree with it. They are in a solid relationship to start with where communication is the golden rule and their marriage come first. It has never been nor will it ever be inherent to human beings and monogamy isn't inherent as well, both are valid lifestyle choices and are not innate to the human animal. Psychological profile and emotional state, sociological and religious backgrounds, home and academic education, personal experiences, geography, demographics, racial background, time periods are some of the factors that can have a role in explaining why some people would choose to go into that direction, but it is still just a choice and nothing more. Even though some people want you to believe that it's "the way they are wired" and they are using terms like "coming out" to legitimize their claim and get some persuasive leverage in their favor, trust me, it simply not true, it's something a person wants and not something a person needs. If you're being forced into this, then there's something very wrong and alarm bells should go off. 2 - Sex without emotions as in "swinging" is one of the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard in my life. People are using it to explain one of the key factors of their philosophy but there is no such thing as sex without emotions unless you want to practice necrophilia in which case you could have a bigger problem. When it's ethically practiced the people involved make it work for them because it's something they both want and enjoy. They keep these emotions in a category they can both relate to and they can achieve that by communicating and setting certain boundaries, where trust and respect are a must but it's never without emotions Simply put, any attempts by your spouse or partner to stir you or force you towards a way of life that they know you're not okay with it is wrong on so many levels. I've seem people who are living an emotional nightmare because they were almost led to believe that they were in the wrong. Once the wife of a friend said to me "well it's not wrong to fall in love with someone else and wanting to keep your marriage" and I'm like "you're right, when everyone agrees to it". At least 75% of couples I've seen so far have introduced the concept of polyamory or open relationships to their significant other when they already had someone in mind, that's not polyamory, it's controled adultery. Another time a girl I know tried to sell the idea to her husband, he was having none of it and she tried to make a point by giving the show "Polyamory : Married and Dating" as a reference and I've asked her "have you ever seen this show ?, I don't think you have". All the people involved on that show are willing to invest in this lifestyle. They didn't suddenly decide to tell their husbands or wives they are polyamorous just because they started flirting with someone they met, let it go too far and then ask for a relationship with them while keeping the security of their initial relationships. All of the people who are shoving this lifestyle on their reluctant wives or husbands have the upper hand emotionally, in short they know that their partners are needy and insecure and they can get away with it. They push it regardless of the pain they are causing to the ones they are suppose to love and very often use ultimatums threatening to leave their partners if they don't let them do what they want, that is emotional terrorism and nobody should have to put up with this.I have seen many people use the "I've always been like that" defense leave their husbands or wives and go back to exclusivity with their secondary because they "fell in love" after their spouse cautiously agreed to let them date, so basically their claims of being poly and needing this (their version not ethical polyamory) is out the window right there. All couples I've seen who started on that basis ended up in divorce and if you are being manipulated into thinking that it's a good thing even though your gut tells you otherwise, then it's a disaster waiting to happen. There are people who have always had a tough time staying faithful in their relationships and they're not bad people but for some reason they can't stop cheating and their own experiences in life can trigger this kind of behavior (like insecurities among many) but it has nothing to do with being wired this way. So what does that mean for you who cannot see a way out. Well, take time to think long and hard about what you want in this, because you and only you can limit the damage. Hell, take the time to cry and when you're done, cry again, then take action on your future, own it, don't let the situation own you. How many times have we heard phrases like "I can't live without her" or "He's the only one for me"., Stop it, yes you can and no he's not, stop being a child and do something about it, it's hard to deal with, I know trust me, but it's not the end of the world. If someone starts hitting you over the head with a hammer and you don't move, who's fault is that, just move. remember one thing, when people say things like "it just happened" or "I didn't want this to happen", that's pure crap and they know it. In conclusion I also have a little piece of advice for people who are thinking of asking a hesitant spouse for an open marriage. Years ago, I almost let a situation get the better of me but I took a step back because I knew I was getting in too deep, it was a very hard thing to do but it didn't just happen. I let it go on a bit too far, now I was paying the price for it and I had to take my distance from this person if I wanted to keep my relationship, otherwise it would have gone way too far and I could have cheated on my girlfriend but if one wants it, one can do it, it's just a matter of priority. The way I see it is that everyone looks at a pretty woman or a great looking guy and that's normal but if you think about what's important to you and really take the time to take an inventory of your life and what you do have instead of thinking about what you don't have, then you may find that you're richer than you think and if you leave your fortune on a table while you're out seeking more, you may find that someone else stole it while you were gone.
View related questions:
bullied, cheated on my girlfriend, divorce, flirt, infidelity, insecure, liar, period, self esteem Reply to this Article
Share |
You can add your comments or thoughts to this article |
