A
female
age
,
*ola333
writes:My stepdaughter has been living with us for 4 months. She does not pay rent, clean house or buy food. She has a full time job but spends her money on wine, clothes and going out. That brings me to my problem. Her mom and dad have the wackiest financial arrangement I have ever seen, Supposedly they do not pay alimony to each other or child support but even though all of the kids are adults with the 2 youngest living with partners, my boyfriend and his ex-wife continue to "balance" their finances every month together. This is an elaborate ritual involving a lot of manipulation on her part and forgetfulness on his.Even though they have been split up for over 6 years he tells her how much he spends and she does the same every month. Except it is not fair by any stretch and we end up out of money every month. They both make about the same amount of money and he did the right thing by paying her over 150 thousand for her half of the house we live in. She left him by the way. Not that that is crucial. I just wanted to give you the history.What this amounts too is that even though they both now give the kids who live out of the house the exact same amount of money every month for room and board, they still are in each others financial pockets. He pays all the medical, flights for the kids, once she even charged him to take the kids surfing. Whenever it may be that she owes us she always revises it and says she forgot things that she had paid for. Never provides receipts by the way.So back to the daughter living with us. There is a financial cost to having an adult live with you. For 2 years the ex has been charging us 200 dollars a month for room and board for the other adult daughter who until 2 months ago lived with the mom. Now we have one living with us and my husband is not willing to ask his ex to pay him 200 a month for this daughter to live with us even though she did with no hesitation. he paid it too every month. We paid this to her for 2 years but he won't ask her to do the same. He won't ask his daughter for money either even though she works and could well afford to contribute. But he asks me to pay. Every month I give him money for bills and now he is telling me that he won't expect the same from either of them even though they are both well off. The ex makes double what I make. So I decided that if he won't ask for what is right from his ex that I am not paying because the money just goes into her pocket. She gets her hair professionally colored. She owns an electric bike and goes to Ashland to see plays every three months. I wear clothes with holes in them that are 3 sizes too big. My shoes are falling apart from too much use.I told him I was using the money for myself until he asked for what was right and fair. He called me a free loader. He actually got angry and started calling me names. I am the free loader? Right, I cook and clean and take care of his kids and mom and I am the free loader. Not the ex who could well afford at 60 thousand a year to pay her own way. No I am.I m sorely tempted to tell them all what I think. I am sorely tempted to leave. Any advice would be really appreciated.
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ex-wife, his ex, money, split up Reply to this Question
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (5 November 2012):
 Best of luck to you, I expect you will not ever regret closing this chapter and will in the end find the happiness you so deserve. Definitely his loss.
A
female
reader, Lola333 +, writes (5 November 2012):
Lola333 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the advice. Something has snapped within me and I have given up. I am going to use the next 2 months to save every penny I can. Then get out.
Today we were in church and I asked him to put my arm around me when I was cold. He snapped at me and said I don't always need to touch you. Then during the welcome part of the service he was holding hands with a woman I have never met. And he did not introduce me until I stuck my hand out.
I can't even work up the energy to care anymore. Everyone else means more to him than me. Oh well, his loss.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (3 November 2012):
 I'm glad (and not in a mean way) that you are not married to him. I mean can you imagine being bound to a man who doesn't listen to you or even consider your opinion?
This is ALL him, I really don't see a solution where you can stay with him and all is well, unless you intend to just suck it all up and roll with the punches.
You have spend 4 years trying to make sense of "their" relationship/ financial arrangement I don't think spending more time with that will fix it, and I'm sorry for that.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (3 November 2012):
You are at the bottom of his priority list and so you will remain. It's entirely up to you if you want to stay there or move on and find someone who will put you at that number one spot. The view is much better from there, trust me.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (3 November 2012):
 Thankyou for clarifying. As you and he are not married there is no reason why you cant just up sticks and walk, and leave him and his ex missus and their grown children to wallow in this mess of their own making.
And be firm, dont go back until its sorted!
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A
female
reader, Lola333 +, writes (3 November 2012):
Lola333 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to clarify. We are engaged to be married and he is divorced from his ex wife. When i say ex I mean ex wife. The woman to who he was legally married for 25 tears. We live together. Have for 4 years.
You know how this site has a feature where they create the title for the letter. I did not create it. He is my fiancee. I realize calling his daughter my step daughter is jumping the gun technically. But the heading for the letter was created by someone else. Better now?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 November 2012):
I would honestly find a place that you can afford by yourself, get all your ducks in a row (meaning remove yourself from utilities, bank account (if you share one) insurance and so forth) once all is in order I would move out.
He will NEVER see your point of view. Because he honestly don't think your opinion matters. I think that is rather plain. I assume you have brought the finances up several time and he doesn't want to listen to you.
If you are married, divorce would be MY next step.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2012): From previous anon male:
No need to see a lawyer.
Silly me, I assumed that header "Financial situation with husband's kids, ex and myself is making me want to leave the marriage!" meant you defined "husband" as the man to whom you are legally married, "ex" as the woman to whom he was previously legally married and from whom he is now legally divorced, and "marriage" as the lawful wedded union between two previously unmarried adults.
Skipped right over "my boyfriend and his ex-wife continue to 'balance' their finances every month together. . .Even though they have been split up for over 6 years" part.
Now realize you define "husband" a the still-legally-married man (if he was ever legally married) with whom you are shacking up, "ex" as the woman from whom he is likely NOT legally divorced (if he was ever legally married), "marriage" as an unmarried woman shacking up with an undivorced man (if he was ever legally married), and "split up" as the period of time during which undivorced shack-up boyfriend has not been cohabitating with undivorced wife (if he was ever legally married).
Which also means that you have absolutely no say in or control over how undivorced shack-up boyfriend enables his adult spawn.
"Supposedly they do not pay alimony to each other or child support"
No reason to supposedly pay alimony if supposedly they are not legally divorced, and no reason to supposedly pay child support if supposedly they are not legally divorced AND supposedly their joint spawn are supposedly all adults either supposedly shacking up with other adults and/or supposedly not attending school full time.
No need or use to see lawyer, you have absolutely no legal standing so whatever money and other assets you've pissed away have been flushed down the toilet; you need to see a counsellor instead.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (2 November 2012):
If he's just a boyfriend what's keeping you around? This situation is whacked. You are at the very bottom of this food chain.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2012): "Any advice would be really appreciated."See a lawyer.Must respectfully disagree with aunts who advise "talking to" hubby. Don't waste your breath. You can't undo deeply ingrained dysfunction. Reason only prevails when dealing with reasonable people, which you most certainly are not. The only talking you should be doing is to an attorney representing YOUR interests, the same attorney to whom you should have spoken BEFORE you entered into this sham of a marriage.You should have known what you were getting into when you married him as this situation didn't happen overnight, it was like this before you married him and you shouldn't have ignored the dozens of red flags that must have popped up. Your only hope now is to get out of the marriage in no worse financial shape than when you entered into it. Good luck and best wishes.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (2 November 2012):
Try talking to him one more time, choose a time when it is usually calm at you house and he will be receptive (not some time when he would usually be watching sport or something). Do your sums, point out how much you earn and how little benefit you get from your wages. Discuss how you and he are married and you should be higher on his priority list. If he refuses to discuss then plan your exit strategy.
You deserve better than this!
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (2 November 2012):
 Hi
I think its time to leave,I don't know how you have tolerated it for this long to be honest.The odds are stacked against you and while his ex and his kids enjoy life,you go without..they are not even your responsiblity.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (2 November 2012):
 You have to talk to him, this whole situation is absurd and I dont blame you for wanting to leave. He is treating his ex better than he is treating his wife, and he cannot be allowed to carry on like this.
Tell him everything you have told us here - how he needs to review this financial 'arrangement' he has with the ex as its not applicable anymore now the kids are all adults. How he needs to get strict with his daughter, now she is an adult with a good job she has to pay her way, you are not here to support her financially now she's working. It all boils down to the fact you are paying for someone else's adult children to go out having fun and buying wine, and to top it off you are paying for his high-earning ex to have a lovely life.
You deserve something nice for a change, his family are doing all the taking and no giving and it is not fair to you. You need to talk to him and make him see your point of view, and tell him how close you are to leaving over this. He needs to understand how much this is hurting you and how serious this is. If he wont listen and wont change, then leave. This situation is so one-sided and very unfair to you, dont put up with it any longer.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2012): If you can affford to move out, I would seriously consider getting my own place as this man will never look after you but his ex and children. He clearly does not appreciate you and certainly does not prioritise you. He has more money and time for his ex. You deserve better and certainly deserve someone who be fair. I would get out of this relationship he is happy to insult you but his ex and kids can do no wrong. I hope you are strong enough financially and otherwise to leave this man.
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