A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I suspect this might be an old chestnut but its new to me so please bear with me.In a sentence...my wife clearly doesn't want to have sex with me anymore. On the rare occasions we do, it feels like she is being contrived, dutiful and frankly glad when its over.Now there are a couple of things that might be relevant to those who might advise me.She is a VERY attractive woman and turns heads all the time. When we first met she 'seemed' to have a high libido and was very adventurous Yes we have children (3 year old) and yes we both work.I do most of the housework when I have time myself. Most of the cooking and its me that gets up early to dress my son and take him to nursery - I also pick him up of an evening despite her being a half a mile away working from home. Its just easier that way.Am I affectionate in other ways? Yes I am...I cuddle her, hold her and often tell her how beautiful she is. She lacks for nothing in terms of affection and all the other stuff that men are often advised to try. She is stressed out because of her job but she seems utterly unconcerned re my feelings. and YES I have told her exactly how I am feeling. I feel robbed, hoodwinked and conned now. I don't know whether to withhold any affection I offer as it seems its massively one sided. She is happy to cuddle but so very rarely have sex and she NEVER instigates it. EVER! For some reason I am close to tears about this....I am not a soft man by any means but I feel like I have had something stolen from my relationship and its massively unfair. I need a strategy, some way of managing this. Should I resign myself to us having a platonic relationship? Should I treat her like a room-mate and not a 'wife'? I am really at a loss as to what to do and how to react (or not).Thanks....
View related questions:
her ex, libido Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo, after another talk my wife said she understands and we're in the process of trying something out. Without going into too much detail it involves trying the antithesis of the 'problem' as a potential solution. Hopefully it will lead to a nice habit forming!
A
female
reader, like I see it  +, writes (8 September 2016):
 OP, I understand you are frustrated. The big issue that I'm still not hearing mention of is whether she has at any point spoken to a doctor or OB-GYN about the issue. It seems she had a working libido when (and probably before) you married. There are a number of factors that can contribute to libido problems in women, medically speaking, and it might be worthwhile to have a qualified professional rule these out before convicting your wife of bait-and-switching you in the court of your own opinion and allowing resentment to build up accordingly. If you hold that attitude toward her in private it's difficult to believe it's not in any way communicated to her through your actions, and as a woman I can tell you that feeling pressured for sex is about the least sexy feeling ever.
Now, if your wife doesn't see this as a problem and doesn't understand why this is something she should want to have checked out, then marital counseling (that you attend together) to help her put things into perspective should definitely be your first step. Hopefully hearing a third party explain the importance of sex in a marriage (after all, you're little more than roommates otherwise) will help change her views on the subject.
If she refuses to consider counseling when politely requested by you, one way of illustrating your desperation might be to inquire about the possibility of an open marriage, even if you don't actually want one.
Hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo be honest I am tired of looking for what else I can do....
Once a month....Yes she cums...Yes I am hugely attentive...Yes I am in shape....what can I tell you?? Yes I am affectionate and so is she but clearly not sexually..married for 5 years.
And no, separating is not an option with a 3 year old!
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (8 September 2016):
 Qs: "....Should I resign myself to us having a platonic relationship? Should I treat her like a room-mate and not a 'wife'? I am really at a loss as to what to do and how to react (or not)."
As: No, No..... and don't feel at a loss....
SHE is "telling" you that she has fallen out of love with you.... and doesn't think that YOUR feelings/desires/wants/ cravings mean anything any more.
I suggest that you consider separating from her.... with the full expectation that that will lead to the demise of your marriage.... but WILL release YOU to do as you wish, with whomever you wish to do it.... AND will release her to keep going with her life... however she thinks it should play out...
You only get ONE shot at life.... don't allow it to be torture for you....
Good luck...
...............................
A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (8 September 2016):
More information would be very helpful.How long have you two been together? How long have you been married? How long has the frequency of sex been an issue?You acknowledge your wife is stressed out due to work. Is this a new situation or has she been stressed for the duration of your marriage? If new, what is the time frame before the stress on her should lessen? If chronic, what are the options to reduce or eliminate the stress? (Changing employers, changing roles, reduced hours etc. if you can afford that as a family)What have you decided (as a couple) about having more children? If no more are desired, what form of contraception is in place to avoid pregnancy?Has your wife seen a doctor (preferably OB-GYN) recently? Does she communicate with you openly about feminine health issues or keep them to herself? Could she be starting menopause?You mention that she is still attractive to you and others. Have you kept up on your own health and fitness in a similar fashion?Lastly, how is sex for her when you have it? I'm assuming sex usually ends in orgasm for you. Is she also reaching climax many or most of the times you have sex? If she needs more than PIV intercourse to reach climax, do you provide it?I know most of these are pretty obvious and you have probably considered them but giving more detail in this regard will help us not to offer "solutions" you have already tried.You write:"What if the caring and affectionate husband she married turned out to be cold and emotionally absent after the birth of his child?"In this case couples therapy would ALSO be warranted, just as has been suggested reference your wife's issue. Men tend to connect through sex; women through emotion. When either side of a connection is failing it's worth seeking outside help, especially with kids involved. I await your reply :)
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2016): I understand how you feel as I have been in the same position with my husband. He has health problems and ED which killed his desire for sex. It was only when a friends wife left her husband due to lack of sex that he decided to take steps to address it. I know you must feel very hurt, rejected and resentful however it's unlikely that your wife married you with the intention of withholding sex.You mention that your wife is stressed because of her job, well believe me stress can be the biggest libido killer. People in that situation often can't see the wood for the trees. It's hard to get aroused when there's so many other thoughts swirling though your head. Has your wife spoken to her GP about it?Aside from that Honeypie is right; you should seek counselling. I know you've spoken to your wife about the lack of affection and she seems unconcerned so you need to be firmer about it, explain your unhappiness and that you don't want to be in a sexless marriage.I think if you try and accept the situation you are more than likely to cheat and that will just create more problems in the long run.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2016): Is it the sex that you want, or more returned affection?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi and thanks for the reply.
I am 50 her 40.
Other than that I can't really offer any more insight. It is what it is, a numb sex life that is entirely one sided.
What if the caring and affectionate husband she married turned out to be cold and emotionally absent after the birth of his child.
I don't understand sorry!
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (8 September 2016):
 So my guess is she is MUCH younger than you? Which, believe it or not, might factor into things.
The birth of your son might also have left her feeling less inclined to sex.
I think the best thing you can do is find a couples therapist and talk this out. I think there are things your wife isn't sharing with you (such as the reason for the "dead" libido)
While she might have BEEN adventurous and enjoyed sex, something has changed. OR she only did the sex in the beginning and now that she doesn't feel like she "HAS" to have sex, she doesn't want to.
It can be hormonal, it can be physical (doesn't want any more kids and sex worries her - nothing kills the libido like the "fear of pregnancy") or... the sex you two have is not doing ANYTHING for her. It's gone stale and unfulfilling.
So while YOU have told her EXACTLY how you feel... she hasn't told you. This is where a good couples counselor comes in.
I don't think ANYONE should just "resign" themselves to be without unless THAT is what they want.
My husband and I are both in out 40's and there is no "conventional" sex. Not since his heart surgery. His meds prevents him from having a lasting erection. However we have found other ways to be be intimate. So even after 20 years together and his heath-problems we are still enjoying each other physically. Some couples can work that out themselves (like us) and others can't (like you and your wife) and when you can't... GET help.
...............................
|
