A
male
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anonymous
writes:HiyaMe and my girlfriend have had a bit of a stormy relationship for the past 2 years. She has had some bad experiences in the past. A rape, an abortion (not from the rape), and a couple of relationships with people who used her for sex.When she met me, we took it real slow. 7 months of no sexual or physical activity, we were friends for this time before a relationship developed. She told me that she was afraid of intimacy and needed time to trust me. I didn't have a problem at all with this, I was looking forward to showing her how great a loving relationship is.A few months in to our relationship she became really depressed. She no longer spoke to me about any thing and we drifted, but we remained in each others lives.We had some time away, off and on, and late last year, we had 8 weeks apart.In October last year, we got back together. She was a changed person. Since this time, we had been getting on amazingly.Last week though, I discovered that she had been lying to me. I found out that she had slept with someone when she was depressed, and then in the 8 week break, she slept with 4 other people. I knew them all.It was like getting blood from a stone, she didn't want to tell me any of it. She told me she was so ashamed by it, she wanted to forget it, and that they were all massive mistakes.She told me that she said she was scared of intimacy after the rape because if she had said it made her have one night stands easier, I wouldn't of respected her.I feel hurt that she managed to sleep with all these people without telling me. We discussed if we had been with anyone else, she said no. She maintains that she didn't want to hurt me, regretted it and hated herself but I can't understand how she could have had feelings for me but keep this from me, and even cheat on me with the first person.I've never wanted to treat her differently for her past. Her previous sexual experiences, and her family (who are terrible rolemodels for her) but maybe I am nieve?We have spoken about this so much now, and I still love her so much, I feel like I even understand her being with other people that I don't feel that bothered.My friends think this is wrong, I should split with her, because she has done unforgivable things, and disrespected my feelings for over a year. I don't know if this reaction (having sex for attention) will be a problem in the future. She says not, but I don't fully trust her. I want to get married, and have children, and be faithful forever, but I want to expect the same in return. My closest friends all say to break up with her, they say she uses me and manipulates me. I think she's misunderstood and wants the same things as me as she says she does. Am I being taken as a fool?Will she do it again?Should i be able to forgive her so easily for this?Is sleeping with 4 people in less than 8 weeks, when you are supposed to care about someone ok? Surely after the first time she'd realise it was me she wanted. It shouldn't have taken 5 people and then a week to come back to me saying she loved me.Help me :(
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abortion, depressed, got back together, her past, one night stand Reply to this Question |
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your advice people. At the moment things seem to be developing better for us, she has agreed to get some help to tackle self-confidence problems and we have talked a lot about this whole thing. I hope that we can both get over this, that I trust her again and that she doesn't feel guilty about it forever. Thanks again!
A
male
reader, Yos  + ♥, writes (28 April 2006):
 It depends.
If you stay with this girl, you are in for a lot of difficult times and issues around trust and intimacy. If the two of you can work through that then you can end up strong and wonderful together. It's not going to be easy, but if you truly love her and can accept her for who she is then it will work out well in th end.
But you have to ask yourself if you have the strength to deal with this. I know that for myself I wouldn't be able to handle it. If you can't, the best thing you can do for both of you is to go your separate ways.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2006): i think your girlfriend has alot to deal with but as you say shouldnt one time be enough. I was used for sex by a few ex's and my friends brother got me drunk once and took advantage of me, i felt completly violated and went a little crazy, iwas sleeping with anyone who showed me attention, then i met my now husband, he was loving considerate and gave me space and time like you did with your girlfriend. eventualy i came throgh sometimes the past catches up with me and i have really bad stages but he just lets me get through them. Your girlfriend says she is sorry and that she has changed well isay give her the benefit of the doubt and trust her on this one. she knows she did wrong and wants to give it another shot, dont listen to what your friends say, do what you want to do.
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A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (27 April 2006):
 This girl obviously has a disturbed state of mind and to be frank and answer your question, yes I think she is using you and taking you for a fool - yes, I think she will do it again and she will use her past and depression as an *excuse* and no I don't think you will forgive her , eventually you will become bitter about the way she has treated you. This is especially so if she doesn't get round to being open and honest with you.
I dislike it when people use their past as a convinient excuse to explain away appalling behaviopur like this. She is mentally damaged goods (not because of the rape or depression - but because of the way she feels it is acceptable to treat somebody she allegedly cares for like this). I would reccommend you suggest to her that she goes for professional help to deal with her *issues* before you egt into any sort of serious relationship with her. If she refuses then you ahve your answer and chances are she will do this again AND she will use the same excuse again to get away with it.
Sorry to be so *unforgiving* but you need to protect yourself first and foremost.
Good luck.
xxx
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A
female
reader, RJGirl  + ♥, writes (27 April 2006):
 This is a very tangled situation. I understand why you want to forgive her, and I also unerstand why you want to break up with her at the same time. I know from my own past experiences, that when I'm depressed, I basically turn crazy, and have been known to be a little promiscuous at those times. However, I've never done that while in a relationship. Although this was a few different people, it was still one incident for her. This is just a mistake she made from being in a bad state of mind. I understand that she made this decision four different times, but it doesn't matter if her mind was off and she was depressed throughout it all.
If you are really willing to give this girl another chance, just be wary of what she's up to. Also, when she gets depressed, be there for her. Let her know that she can go to you and you want to help her through it. That could help a lot in keeping her from running to someone else. She didn't necessarily want to do it in the first place. She wasn't really in the right state of mind. Ask her, if she had been in her right state of mind, would she have acted in the same way. She'll probably say no. If this helps you feel like you could forgive her, give it some thought. You don't have to forgive her right away, and she will slowly earn your trust back. But it's not impossible to save your relationship.
On the other hand, she could repeat this action. If she never opens up to you, then the next time she's depressed, she may go looking to someone else for some comfort. This is a risk you have to be willing to take if you want to save a relationship with her. If you don't want to be with her at the thought that she MAY do it again, then find somebody who will be faithful to you.
I'm sorry that I can't tell you one way or another what you should do, but the call is yours to make. It really depends on how much this girl means to you and how much of your heart you're willing to risk. I really hope that everything works out the greatest for you in the end. The best of luck to you!
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