A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I have been married for a little over two years, and have been together for nearly 6 years. About 7 months after we started dating I met her friend, (a guy called T), who she said was her best friend. At first I was a little put off, him being a guy, but he was twice her age and married. I asked her if she had ever slept with T and she said no, never, that they were just friends. Of course I trusted her and took her at her word. Well we continued dating and eventually married, T, of course, remained her friend and he comes over all the time when I am at work (she stays at home). I have never really been terribly comfortable with it, but let it go for the sake of our marriage. Well I found out yesterday that she and T had slept together one night before we had started dating, so they have both been lying to me about it (she claims he didn't know, and thought that I had known), and now I don't know what to do. I feel betrayed, hurt, and extremely upset over her lying to me about this guy that continually sees her every night I am at work.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2015): She lied to you. That is wrong. Because this lie has broken your trust in her, she needs to do the following to earn it back:1)set appropriate boundaries with "T". No coming over and spending time with him when you are not there. Probably you should only spend time together as two couples, so his wife can also be in on this friendship.2)Disclose any other issues that you have doubts about truthfully going forward. No matter how ridiculous and prying your questions seem to be, until your trust is re-earned, she has to be open and transparent with you.3)Apologize to you and mean it. She must take responsibility for her bad behaviour and change it. She is not to blame you, or say that she was worried about your feelings and that was why she lied, etc. Her lies and the consequences of them are her fault.I hope this helps. I think you two can get thru this rough patch if you both decide to put each other first from now on, and do the work to repair the rift. It is not a bad idea to see a counselor together also. Best of luck.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2015): She is full of crap. Step#1 - Don't take any more of her bullshit. Tell her that if she doesn't drop the "I thought you already knew we had slept together before" excuse then you are leaving her right now. Step#2 - she needs to admit what she did was wrong and its a form of cheating. Yes, cheating. She was seeing an ex without telling you. She just did it by lying about who was an ex instead of lying about when she was seeing an ex. Step#3 - don't let her make this about what their relationship is or isn't. She is probably going to tell you that she is totally just friends and they were never "together". That is all beside the point. The point is she was lying to you. If she didn't think it was important then she wouldn't have lied at all. She knew what she was doing. She didn't have the right to decide how you should feel about her friendship with this guy.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (24 May 2015):
I think it's immature to believe that married men and women have to be fucking if they're friends.
She told you she didn't have sex with him because that's what you made her say so that you would be comfortable with their friendship. I'm not saying she should have lied, but you probably shouldn't have put her in that situation either.
As to whether they're cheating, I have no idea. From what you say I see no evidence of that, but that doesn't mean it's not happening. But the fact that they had sex shouldn't be surprising. That kind of thing happens among friends. But if you believe she's faithful give her the benefit if the doubt until you have actual evidence if bad behavior.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (24 May 2015):
 I doubt that she slept with that guy only once but infidelity does not require many repeats of adulter but one. So if you are wondering what would do then I would divorce her. Then again, I am not in your shoes nor do I know the strength of your relationship with her, bonds of love and bounds of forgiveness. What she did is, to me, an unforgivable offense but different people have different criteria for forgiveness. Perhaps you can forgive her and perhaps she can remove that man out of your lives after the forgiveness. One thing for sure is that if the man keeps lingering around after forgiveness rest assured they are in the sack together once again.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2015): She wanted marriage and security, and you came along. She couldn't have T; because he was already married. I doubt they only slept together once; and I don't think you're that naive.
It's shady when a guy comes around to visit a married-woman when her husband isn't around. That's what's called "creeping."
If you don't feel good about the marriage you're in; give it a lot of thought before you make any drastic decisions. Why did you marry this woman, what is the overall climate in your marriage, how is your love-life? If all this falls into the range of mediocre, and you just don't feel right; you already know what you've got to do. Divorce her and give her back to T.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2015): Get rid of her,she won't change and you deserve better.
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