A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My finance and I are expecting our first child very soon. We have been together for 10 years and previously had a miscarriage which was very hard. Through out my pregnancy, he only goes through phases where he is interested in it. I get no additional help around the house and all the planning has fallen to me and he questions everything i buy (i haven't gone over the top just the essentials and i've accepted a lot of second hand items from friends). He also hasn't come to any of my doctors appointments and scans because he doesn't want to take time off work. He is only planning to take 1 week off from work once the baby is here. The last few months have been quite stressful with me finishing up work for maternity leave and getting everything ready - including the house in general - which he thinks is unnecessary. My concern at the moment is, that he has in the past said he is dreading it and he speaks to friends who have children, and they are only negative. They might be just doing it to tease him but they tell him his life is over and to run. He is almost 40. He thinks he will still go off and just do his own things/hobbies still. I guess Im wondering if anyone went through something similar and the partners attitude changed afterwards? many thanks Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (9 April 2019):
 You're having a child out of wedlock with a man who's less than interested. Will he bolt when the going gets tough? Possibly. Can you demand that he become more involved and interested? No.
There's not much here for you OP than hope that he helps you out and cares for the child. Be prepared to do the heavy lifting OP and it's not going to be easy.
I feel for you, I really do.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2019): I have to disagree with some who are telling you to just take the you can do it attitude ‘ of course you can but he also can ! I’m a mother of four and grandmother to six so I speak from experience also .
Quite simply he steps up to the plate or if he wants to behave as if he’s single then it’s only fair he lets you also be single so you can find a man who wants to be a husband and father to your little one
Either he steps up or he steps out
I’ve done it with a husband with my second two and some with the younger ones and believe me you don’t need to put up with Peter Pan . There’s plenty of better options out there . Even being single is better than trying to parent a newborn plus a 40 year old manbaby
Best of luck with. You can do it with or without him . Let his behaviour be the decider as to whether he’s worthy of you and your family
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (8 April 2019):
 My husband got 3 days "paternity leave" with out first child. He was due on a course that he head been on wait-list for for a year and he REALLY wanted to go and the Army really wanted him to go. So He actually left for the course the DAY after I and the baby got home from the hospital leaving me ALL to myself for 3 weeks. I had no family or friends in the area either. Though, several of the other Army wives did stop by to check up on me. Which was kind but also KIND of annoying.
So as far as that goes, You can do it.
I think for some men, the REALITY doesn't set in until the baby is there.
If you feel a need to to get the house ready (nesting) then do it. Having some gently used baby stuff is fine, baby won't care and will outgrow clothes in a blink of an eye.
As for still wanting to do his hobbies, well WHY NOT? Though it probably will have to adjust over time. But being a parent doesn't mean your LIFE as you know it is over or should be over. Or that no fun is allowed anymore.
Relax, momma.
If (after the baby is born) he can't HACK it, then you need to decide if he is the partner for you or not. And DEFINITELY make sure to not have another baby any time soon.
Having a child is a HUGE change in lifestyle for most people. But it's DEFINITELY not all for the worse.
Focus on what you feel needs done in getting ready, he will have to do the same IN HIS OWN WAY.
I think you two will be fine. It might just seem a bit overwhelming for him right now. THAT will most likely change when the baby arrives.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2019): [EDIT]:
Corrections:
"That may have to be enough for now."
"Having children is not a rememdy used to make a failing relationship work."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2019): Whose idea was it to have children before you were married? If he ever showed any reservations or hesitation about having children, you should have paid close attention. It might have been a deciding factor in whether you really want to marry him.
If this child was a sudden surprise, he might not have felt like he was given a choice. He might harbor resentment for that.
Believe me, I don't think jokes are causing him angst and indecision about kids. Are you really sure he wants to get married? He is blatantly showing his disinterest in the child; and it wouldn't be a problem to take a partial day-off from work to go with you to the doctor. It would be a kind gesture and would give you some reassurance. He won't even do that? I guess he has made his point clear to you.
He is certainly old enough to settle-down and be ready for starting a family; but it seems it might be happening faster than he is ready for it.
You asked if there are others whose partners changed their mind after the child was born. You have to judge things by your own situation, everyone's situation is unique. You can't build your hopes on what happened to others about having children. You have to go by the signals and behavior of the man you've decided to have children with. Until children are born, nobody knows exactly what they will feel until the child is here. Then all our natural instincts kick-in.
Having children is not a rememdy used to make a relationships work. If it is failing or weak, it is bringing a child into an unstable environment.
We realize that fragile little human being is our own flesh and blood; and highly dependent on us for everything. I know that baby has at least one person looking forward to his or her arrival, and that is you. That may have be enough for now. Pray he does come-around. It is yet to be determined.
Take care of yourself and prepare for whatever the outcome. He just might see things differently once he's holding his own child in his arms. Fatherhood is a big step, and at first it is frightening to most men stepping into it for the first time. In any case, you will need help. You shouldn't have to face it all alone. You didn't make yourself pregnant. Call your lady friends or lady family-members to help you, don't let pride prevent you from reaching out to them for help! How about your mother, or future mother-in-law?
You didn't mention if you've actually asked him for help around the house, or simply hoped he'd voluntarily chip-in. If you haven't specifically asked for help, he's going to leave housework to you. Ask for help before you do it all by yourself. He might gripe and complain, but insist on the help.
It's dangerous for you to be pushing yourself too hard; and he has responsibility for the child; whether he wants it or not. He won't be much of a husband, if he doesn't even care to help you; when he sees you overwhelmed with preparations for the newborn, and your usual household responsibilities.
My dear, are you absolutely sure this was the right man for you?
Perhaps this ordeal will be the circumstance that will decide that.
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