A
female
age
16-17,
*urplepansey
writes:Home life has always been bad for me whilst growing up - my dad has always been abusive (hitting me and my siblings). It got quite bad the way he treated us, consequently mum divorced him (4 years ago now). Dad is now engaged to a nasty piece of work - so this means we see him once a fortnight or so for literally 2 hours. Even when we see him, his fiance' will act jealously and crave my dad's attention. Me, my sister and brother all dislike her for this.Since the divorce, my brother's behaviour escalated as he has been growing up - we have had the police round several times and are on a waiting list for some kind of family counselling. My brother has a few problems e.g. ADHD, special needs statement at school, anger problems etc. I am the oldest out out of my sister and brother, my mum has high expectations of how I react to my siblings. She expects me to just let my brother, for example hit me and for me to not restrain him and literally just stand there. She expects my sister to belittle me and look at me like a piece of shit on the floor and to just walk away - at the end of the day, i will ignore most of the things and be the bigger person. But it comes to a point where everything builds up and you retaliate; today is the day. Therefore, my mum and my sister have gone to visit my very ill grandad in hospital without even asking me if i want to come when i really want to see him. I am getting punished for something which is really not fair, and because my brother resents me so much, he feeds off this 'punishement' of mine; it's like a never-ending circle.So, I don't particulary want to move out but it has come to a point where I need to move out. I am becoming quite depressed and I need to focus on my A2s this year. Just wondering what options there is for me, and where to go? I literally only work 4 hours a week, and I want to carry on doing my A2s, so money is going to be a big issue.Any advice is welcomed.
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female
reader, supermum +, writes (20 September 2009):
 i doubt if at that age you would be granted a place in a hostel, but you can apply to go on the council house waiting list... you would need your mum to write you an eviction notice to have any chance of moving soon.... you may be put up in a b and b for a few days but you will get a place quickly.... you can apply for state benefits which will help grately with your living costs... speak to citizenz advice, they are great
A
female
reader, purplepansey +, writes (20 September 2009):
purplepansey is verified as being by the original poster of the question@supermum
Hey, thank you for your advice. I am usually quite close to my mum but she has a knack for being friendly with one of us and then not the other, so i think that has stemed the resentment towards each of us. Also, the fact that we are quite close, my sister and brother resent that too.
So speaking to my mum probably won't help, i have already in the past. She knows how I feel at the moment and probably won't stand in my way if i feel i need to leave. If i remember rightly, she has even said in the past i should move out. She just seems to be worrying more about me retaliating today to my sister and brother.
We have all spoken to our dad about the whole not seeing him thing, and his excuse is always that he works all the time. He's always regarded us as mum's kids and not his, and generally prefers the woman he is with at the time and not his real priority - us. Even if things get unbearable at home, instead of coming over and helping, he will ring my gran up and get her involved and not do anything saying saying he's 'busy'. He's also aware of how we all think of his fiance' and he doesn't care. He also lies to us saying "oh i'm going to split with her" this was before they were engaged and he has since said "oh i'm not going to be marrying her" , he constantly lies.
Yeah we are on a waiting list at the moment for family counselling. Probably be a while until we get it.
This is the last resort for me, we tried to get family counselling and we are now on a waiting list..and things aren't getting better at home. I know i would cope on my own, i do most of the things around the house as it is, and many people have commented on how mature i am for my age. I am also very good with money keeping and have managed to pay for my own driving lessons and tests etc. I am also going to be 18 in 4 months. I'm just worried the hassle of finding money for a new place is going to disrupt my learning. I really don't want to move out, but I can see myself doing something bad to myself if i carry on living here.
@jc2008
Thank you, I just keep reminding myself that to get away from all of this, is to do well in life and not worry about them any longer. If i get good enough grades, yes i will be going to university next year. My friends just keep saying how i should just wait another year for when go to uni - but i really can't.
I think i will get in touch with the connexions people at college and tell them my problems.
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A
female
reader, supermum +, writes (20 September 2009):
as you live in th UK, there are a few things you can do. You sound quite mature for your age.. and i think the best thing to do would be have a chat with your mum... even write her a letter... explaining that things are hard on you at the moment and you dont feel the situation is being handled fairly.... dont worry about hurting her feelings... she is an adult and will be able to deal with it... trust me. Secondly, try speaking to your dad when you manage to get him alone, and say it would be nice to spend some time with him with out his fiance there,... see how he reacts.
The next port of call would be councelling... but to really work it would have to be done as a family.
Finally, there are hostels and foyers situated around the country that you could move into. As you are 16 (at least) you would be able to claim benifits to help with your living costs, but please dont think that it is an easy option. I myself went through the foyer system and although the places i stayed at were really nice, you have to be so independant so young... you are in charge of oyur own money, and you have to pay bills, rent, shopping, clothes, any nights out etc etc... there is no way that you can garantee that you will even move into a nice establishment, and there are often rules like only one visitor at a time, no under 16's, and if you are allowed any one to stay over at all it wont be very often. Also in some places you have to pay to use the washing machine and buy your own wahing powder...
feel free to email anytime. i understand how hard things must be for you, but honestly... and i know how hard it is to do this, and your probably reading this thinking no way would i ever do that... you really should try talking to your parents.... because when you move out, your siblngs will still be in the same situation, surely it is important to try and fix things for their sake as much as yours
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A
male
reader, jc2008 +, writes (20 September 2009):
Hey, well I am glad that you are perservering with your education and getting your A2's and not running away, you are a very strong person for that and stronger than a lot of people I have met in your situation. There are 2 options I can see for this at the moment, 1st is you could speak to someone at your school on a 1 2 1 basis like a school councellor who will be able to point you in the direction of a refuge type of place to get you out of home or perhaps you could seek shelter with a friend for a few days while you think this over, secondly as you are doing A2's are you considering University? I would go somewhere far away and get yourself in to Halls so you can focus on your studies and decide where you go from there. Universities have very good welfare systems for advising on situations like this.
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