A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have, it seems, caused an enormous family rift. I booked a holiday for 2 weeks at the start of February - it had been booked a while but I told family over Christmas what my plans were. This is the first holiday I have had in 7 years so it means a lot to me. I knew it was my Dad's birthday while I was away but I have a card and gift ready for him. However, it is his 75th birthday and both my parents are angry and offended that I won't be joining them for the Sunday lunch they'd booked (automatically expecting me to attend). They live a 300 mile round trip away which I have to do in a day. There is no big party organised as my parents don't get along with many people and have alienated half the family over the years. Firstly, I genuinely had no idea 75th was a special birthday event (like 60th, 70th etc)so I feel taken aback. Secondly, my parents are not speaking to me and my Dad has sent me a toxic email saying that I have upset my Mother and they expect an apology. I just cannot believe my booking a holiday has caused so much trouble. I am really being bullied - missed calls from them because I have not responded. Now I feel bad for trying to enjoy myself and putting myself first. What should I do - apologise and stick to my plans or cancel my holiday?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 January 2017):
 Oh I do believe that you did not have any *conscious* and
* rational * intention to annoy your parents, to needle them. Subconsciously,... who knows, OP.
Obviously , we DearCupiders have to go by guesses and assumptions, which can be quite off the mark when compared with factual truth , nevertheless they rarely are farfetched or absurd, they are generally a quite reasonable possibility ( not a certainty, of course ) based exactly on what we are told.
In your case , OP, maybe you do not quite realize how it comes off, but I would say that all your post does NOT speak of a warm, serene, close relationship with your parents. What you say suggests quite some friction, tension, and resentment. Then of course , for all we know that may be all THEIR fault. Maybe you were unluckly and got saddled with the parents from hell, who made impossible for you to have with them the happy , healthy relationship which would be desirable. But, that this is not the happiest , warmest of the parental relationships- it shows from quite a few meaningful details. For instance , that you are surprised , in fact annoyed, that your parents would assume you would attend Dad's birthday ( which, again, IS an assumption , but not a weird one, in fact , a very reasonable one ).
Or, that you had booked this trip quite a while ago ... but you only told them on Xmas. Now, of course you are not * obliged* to tell your parents when you plan a big,exciting trip- but it's what most people do normally and spontaneously- so when this does not happen, more likely than not , it means something. Something like, the relationship needs some mending, it is somewhat conflictual at some level. Maybe not at a * conscious * level , but... our actions and choices say much more, and say it better, of what we accept to say in words only .
As for feeling judged... I think the first to do any judging on you is yourself. If you even bothered to write to DC , undecided whether to cancel the trip or not,- it must mean that you at least considered the possibility that your choice was not the right one. Otherwise, if you had been totally , 100% sure what 's the right thing to do - it would not have crossed your mind to ask for opinions.
So, the right course of action is at least, and from your own point of view ! - at least opinable . Debatable. As it was expectable, some people will say : No no, Dad comes first. And other people will say : no, your trip comes first. So, ... why getting your knickers in a twist when you get opinions which may not be in line with your true wish ?..
What did you write us for ?, to have everybody's full absolution from the "sin " of taking this trip ? ...
" Go, and sin no more ? ".... This is not Mass; and we are not priests.
You asked for our opinions, we gave them to you frankly : in most cases motivating them and explaining them precisely, and offering sensible suggestions about how to compromise and minimize the damage, both to your vacation and to your relationship with your parents.
If some answers do not work for you , do not resonate with you - ignore them, and do whatever you want ; after all, you only have your own conscience to answer to, not to Dear Cupid. But, in case said conscience were niggling you a bit- .. please do not demand a mandatory general round of applause and hoorrays to make you feel better.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (20 January 2017):
 I never said you were wrong. I haven't judged you. Whatever your intentions are or were, you picked a fight. Solving that fight means stepping into their shoes. The fact that you chose to react by becoming defensive confirms that there is truth that you're now chafing over.
You say that this is your first holiday in 7 years? Whose choice is that? You say that this set-date holiday is your only seven-year chance at any sort of holiday? Whose choice is that? Those are your choices. You could have taken a trip to Fiji in May. You could have gone to a B&B three times per year for the past 7 years, but you chose not to.
This isn't about what you're entitled to, or anything of that matter. I understand your side of things. You need to understand yourself that choices are about cause and effect. The idea that not only did you CHOOSE to become defensive at some advice, but NOT ONE PLACE in either your original post nor your followup did you mention an attempt to give your parents a loving alternative, but instead choose to say that they are bullying you and have outlined their acrimony to your choice.
You have chosen to dig in your heels. Had I been in your shoes, and the holiday was a set-date, I would have not stopped at some card or gift. I would have taken him to lunch prior to the luncheon and showed how much they mean to me. However, it's painfully obvious that there is more here than meets the eye. That these are deep-seeded resentments festering in you that go back long before this luncheon, but that this is the culmination of many times you have become incensed that your parents expect you to push your own life aside for them.
Like I said - you are neither in the wrong, nor are you in the right. You have chosen your choice. You have dug in, and every day now that you don't talk to them will stab you in the guts after they are gone.
Unless you hate them.
However, if you step into their shoes and are perceptive as to WHY they're acting this way, you can give them an alternative. Usually, standoffs like this reveal that you and they are cut from the same stubborn cloth. My husband's parents are very similar to yours in their expectations. My husband chafes at it like you do at times. There are times when he can't or doesn't listen. They throw a tantrum like your parents are doing now. He gives them an alternative. Feelings are salved. Because they want to be assured that you love them, and that they are worth your time and affection.
Cut through all the BS, and that vulnerability is usually what's at the heart of it. Take that as you will. If you can't or won't change the date, then you should offer an alternative.
Finally, you contradicted yourself in your original post. You said these two things:
"Secondly, my parents are not speaking to me and my Dad has sent me a toxic email saying that I have upset my Mother and they expect an apology."
AND
"I am really being bullied - missed calls from them because I have not responded."
Parents who don't speak to their kids don't MAKE calls their daughter is ignoring. Which is the lie here? Do not play victim. You're not a victim, neither are you the villain.
As I said - once they die, you'll wish for a call or email from them. Each one you ignore will haunt you. Unless...
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (19 January 2017):
 I agree with Honeypie. If it's possible to postpone it, do so, but don't cancel it.
75 IS a milestone. Granted I wouldn't plan a big event for someone's 35th or 45th birthday, for example, but 25 and 75 ARE kind of special. Since you're their daughter it's natural they would assume you were coming.
I do think they've behaved extremely badly though and I can understand why they few friends or relatives. How we handle bad news says much about us.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2017): OP here. No my trip was NOT designed to 'needle' my parents and it is offensive to claim I wanted this conflict. Really??? The trip is a specialist tour held only once a year. Yes how selfish of me. My surprise is that I am super thoughtful every birthday and xmas and am thanked for that. It's never reciprocated but I do it anyway and enjoy it. I'm not hiding something. I am however more confused than ever. I guess I asked to be judged.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (19 January 2017):
I tend to agree with YouWish, I feel that there's more than meets the eye in your post :).
You had booked your trip since a while, and you had shared your plans on Xmas, Ok, - but you knew since forever that your Dad's birthday is in February, and, also, somehow I don't think that all of a sudden he decided to make a big fuss about his birthday after not having celebrated it in any special way for the previous 74 years. Generally people either care about birthdays, and make a point of doing something special on that date- or they don't , birthday is just a normal day like any other day- and people can belong to either category , but I still have to see anybody who switches casually and indifferently from one to another .
So, forgive me for suspecting that the choice of the date for your trip is not so totally accidental and sounds a bit like you wanted sort of needling them somehow ? maybe a sort of a slightly passive-aggressive " declaration of independence "?
( What do you mean," automatically assuming that I 'd attend " ? If they did, it was a very reasonable assumption ! , you are their daughter , and apparently up to now , at least in speaking terms, if not in good terms, with your parents ; why shouldn't you have gone your father's birthday if you had not been travelling ?)
Anyway, I think there's a rather simple solution to your dilemma.
I would not advise you to cancel your trip, what is done is done- if you cancelled you'd probably have to pay penalties, and most of all, you would resent your parents bitterly for having had to miss a long awaited trip in order to please them. Which would sort of spoil the atmosphere, and defy the purpose of attending the birthday lunch to begin with.
But you can always have a separate celebration with your parents, a second celebration. Next Sunday or the one after, go visit them, bring along your card and gift, have flowers or a cake delivered at home, and take your parents out for lunch or dinner, your treat- fuss a bit around him as it is appropriate for an important life milestone , 75 years ( 3/4 of a century , it is important ). Or if you really can't make it before your trip, arrange with them now a date for when you are back. Say that you regret having to miss the official lunch, but- try to put a positive spin on it : stress how fun and intimate and cozy it will be to celebrate just the 3 of you :)
After all, there's no law which says that a person has to have only one birthday party. I lived in USA when my son was growing up, my parents lived in Italy, and we'd go visit them twice a year, but- never in November (when my son has his birthday ). After 3 years of hearing the grandparents moaning on the phone " Booh-oooh, we'll never be able to see our grandchild snuff out his birthday candles " I thought : If you want candle snuffing, candle snuffing you'll have. So, I gave a birthday party at home in November with his USA little friends, and one month later , during our winter holidays , another one at the grandparents', complete with cake, guests, party favors,- the works. The grandparents were over the moon, and my son surely never complained about having an extra party :)
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (19 January 2017):
What made you choose this date for your holiday? It seems a bit arbitrary that knowing your family's emphasis on stuff like this, that you chose this. You said that you had told your family about this since Christmas? You've known of your father's birthday for your entire life, and if they are making a big deal about it for the 75th, that means that you've been around at earlier family birthdays and know their importance.
I won't tell you that you're selfish. I won't tell you that you're wrong. I'll only say these two things to you:
1. You wanted this conflict by doing this. You know your family's dysfunctions and issues with other people. You chose this battle of wills. Neither you nor your parents have a moral high ground to stand on here.
2. I would give all of my vacations, all of my free time, I'd give anything for my own father to step out of his grave and have a 75th birthday I could go celebrate. He lived to be 68 and died of leukemia. Every single day, I wish I had more time with him. Unfortunately, the luncheon I'd be having to celebrate his birthday would be at his gravestone. Keep that in mind and don't take a single day he's alive for granted.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2017): I think they are being quite selfish tbh. You are expected to cancel a holiday for a sunday lunch?! What reasonable person would ask you to do that? Say you will see them before or after your holiday. No way would I cancel especially after the way you say they have acted about it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2017): I agree with Honeypie, 75th birthday is a big deal..try and push your plans to a little later if possible?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2017): I guess I see why your parents have alienated the family. They are bossy and inconsiderate.
Take your trip as scheduled. Set-up dinner reservations for your parents, and share a pre-birthday dinner with them. Give him his present and well-wishes. Nobody else has gone as far.
You're an adult now. You get to make your own decisions, and schedule your own plans and events as you see fit.
Have a wonderful guilt-free vacation!
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (19 January 2017):
 Apologise and stick to your plans. Again reminding them that they knew of your plans prior. Im sure you have spent many a significant birthdays with your parents. It's lunch for pete sake and it's not like its a milestone birthday. Perhaps they should be the ones apologising for not asking if you could attend in the first place. I mean how dare you have a life
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (18 January 2017):
 I guess 75th birthdays are "special" because, at that age, you don't know if you are going to enjoy many more birthdays.
HOWEVER, your parents have no right to make you feel guilty when they did not tell you beforehand of their plans.
In your position, I would offer to take them out for a meal at some other time to celebrate this birthday.
Do NOT apologise. You have done nothing wrong.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2017): They're being unreasonable. Offer to see them the weekend after you are back or before you go. You could take them out for a birthday meal to apologise. But don't cancel your holiday. They should be happy for you enjoying your life.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (18 January 2017):
 This is a hard one.
Personally, I would do whatever I could to move the holiday and spend that day with your folks, you NEVER know when they aren't there anymore.
Booking a vacation, I understand, is a GREAT thing for you and it seems like you REALLY deserve one, which again is why I'd try and move it so you can GO on vacation with having all this family drama to ruin it for you.
75th birth is a milestone for anyone. It does seem to me that your parents DO take you for granted when it comes to what THEY want you around for. Some parents are like that.
Would I cancel the vacation? I don't think so I would postpone it if possible instead. Kind of hard sitting on the beach sipping Margaritas when you know your parents are pissed off at you, even when yOU are an adult.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (18 January 2017):
 You asked "what should I do?"
You are 40 years old, Cut the umbilical cord!
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