A
male
age
36-40,
*naielohim
writes:Hello all. I'm seeking advice on a very heart wrenching problem I'm trying to sort out. I'm a 36 year old man who works with a 23 year old woman. Both her and I are in exclusive dating relationships but not married. I think it's safe to say that we both love the people we are with. However, it's also apparent that her and I are beginning to fall in love with each other as well. We know that nothing about it seems right, but the feelings persist. We've discussed it and tried to keep a distance, bit the feelings persist. Nothing at all has occurred between us - no physicality at all - but a lot of talk and emotions back and forth. Bottom line, it's painful and confusing. I feel as if I may be starting to love this woman more completely than the older woman I am with. She feels the same. For now we are keeping our distance in a healthy way, but we don't want to. It gets harder and harder to deal with every day. I have considered the possibilities, but to be honest, the fact that we're in current relationships and the age gap seems an impossible hurdle. Should I follow my heart or keep using my head? Any sound advice would be very appreciated. Thanks! Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2009): I seeing a girl thats 25 i am 49 most People think im yonger than 49. So far its going good but her mother thinks i to old for her but her mother never helps her. She ended up being homeless whold aney of her family help her no. I let her live in my house with me so she could find a place for her and her 2 year old daughter. I help her move and get all set in her new apartment. we see each other almost every day.I was not out looking for someone this young. we have so mutch fun together. I know Sometimes it dose work out my mother was 21 years older than her last husban he died at 53 she was 74 now she 77 and going strong.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2008): Hi. This is strange I stumbled across your question whilst looking for an answer from the exact other side. I am a 23 year old female and although I hate to say it, having an affair with my 37year old university supervisor. This all started months ago when I was in the same situation you find yourself in now. Things got increasingly more complicated, started spending more time together, starting relying on each other on a day to day basis for affection and companionship. This all happening while we too were/are still with respective partners. The situation is now becoming increasingly painful. Neither of us seem willing to leave our partners and although we clearly have loving feelings for each other- it doesn't appear to be enough to want to take that leap. I don't know what situation you are in with regard to your own health and happiness but although my feelings for him are genuine and unexpected, i feel that his are a reflection of other circumstances in his life. I do NOT mean the age gap- but more the extra baggage which comes along with age (in the nicest possible way). He is unhappily married and suffering from depression- I can't help but feel these two factors influence his feelings for me dramatically. The only advice I can offer is to always go with your heart- because it wouldn't be worth letting something go for the sake of worrying about something trivial such as age. But please for both your sakes do it in a controlled manner- take it slowly. I feel as though I am in over my head now and the pressure to choose between him and my partner is driving me insane. You have to try and stay logical and detached from the situation otherwise you are likely to both end up in limbo like us, where no-one can decide anything for fear of everything going wrong.Good Luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, iAintYourAunt +, writes (16 February 2008):
 I agree with the fact it can be confusing. If she loves you more than the guy she's with, it could be meant to be. Your heart is obviously more with her than the lady you're with. Does she feel the same or does she still have enough love and commitment to the guy she's with to give it up? Remember, as it is possible to love two people, it's possible to love them both the same. I don't think in the long run you would want her to be with you and still having feelings for him like she does you today.
...............................
A
male
reader, polarkite +, writes (16 February 2008):
 Part of the excitement with this girl might just be due to the fact that it's forbidden play, not only because you are both in relationships but because your little tryst is happening at your work.I would really go with anon here and suggest you examine your feelings. Sounds like you do not have a healthy relationship with your current gal.If these feelings persist, you are more likely to hurt your current gf in the long run, then by simply being truthful.
...............................
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (16 February 2008):
 Love is not about age or looks but about maturity and compatibility.
If you think age is a hurdle then you are not matured enough to be in love on a deeper level.
If your head and your heart go on a colluding course, then you will have no peace .
Will your head follow your heart or will your heart follow your head?
They cannot be pulling in different directions.
If you cannot fight off those feeling, let go and be swept off by the tsunami.
Peace inside of you and that is all that matters.
...............................
A
female
reader, speedcat +, writes (16 February 2008):
To be completly honest with you, Its great that you didnt cheat, but on the other hand, you need to let your girlfriend go....if feelings are there for this other woman. Its not fair to do to your current girlfriend. Just beware sometimes the grass isnt greener on the other side. Right now its all about the fantasy.will she live up to your expectations? Will you be let down? Who knows? But it really doesnt seem fair to hold on to someone who you trully dont love,,,doesnt feel fair to her does it? good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, GrimmReality + ♥, writes (16 February 2008):
 Have you told the 23 year old that you love her? If you havent, Don't! If you have, you have opened up a can of worms that are going to affect more than just you and the 23 year old. HONESTY is always the best policy. And tell your current partner that you are breaking up with her before you do ANYTHING Physical with the 23 year old. You need to respect your current partner enough to do that!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2008): Well I guess you don't truly love the girl you are with otherwise you would have never let this happen. Fortunately you two are not married cause you really don't deserve her. I mean even if you decide to stay with your current girl, what's the point? In my opinion, the relationship is already tainted. What are you going to stay with her for? Out of pity? Comfort? To settle? Those aren't good enough reasons. If you really loved her you would have never done this. So what is your real reason for being with her? Cause clearly its not for true love. Cause a guy who truly loves a girl would never have let this happen. So just be honest with yourself and with her. I think she deserves to know that your bond with her in actuality is really weak. That way she can make plans to move on and find someone who's bond with her will be lot stronger and will appreciate her enough to never turn an eye. She deserves that. As for the other young girl, well if you think you love her then go ahead and pursue her. But, I'll be honest, just by seeing how you treat relationships, I don't think it is going to work out with the other girl either. I think you need some maturing to do and really learn how to treat people and be honest with them and with yourself. You gotta learn to be more loyal and learn to stand by your woman and stick things out. But apparently that is hard for you, so in that case you shouldn't be in a relationship and lead people on only to end up hurting them. For me, a relationship is a big deal. Its a commitment. When I say "I love you" I mean it. And love is never having to say you're sorry. You shouldn't get involved if you don't feel ready or understand the value of love and commitment. Its not fair and you shouldn't play with people's hearts like that.
...............................
|
