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Falling in love with a much younger woman...what to do?

Tagged as: Age differences<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (16 February 2008) 13 Answers - (Newest, 20 June 2012)
A male United States age 41-50, *naielohim writes:

Hello all. I'm seeking advice on a very heart wrenching problem I'm trying to sort out. I'm a 36 year old man who works with a 23 year old woman. Both her and I are in exclusive dating relationships but not married. I think it's safe to say that we both love the people we are with. However, it's also apparent that her and I are beginning to fall in love with each other as well. We know that nothing about it seems right, but the feelings persist. We've discussed it and tried to keep a distance, bit the feelings persist. Nothing at all has occurred between us - no physicality at all - but a lot of talk and emotions back and forth. Bottom line, it's painful and confusing. I feel as if I may be starting to love this woman more completely than the older woman I am with. She feels the same. For now we are keeping our distance in a healthy way, but we don't want to. It gets harder and harder to deal with every day.

I have considered the possibilities, but to be honest, the fact that we're in current relationships and the age gap seems an impossible hurdle. Should I follow my heart or keep using my head? Any sound advice would be very appreciated. Thanks!

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A male reader, kimkoe Canada +, writes (20 June 2012):

kimkoe agony auntYes isn't this an interesting problem. How can you be in love with another woman. When in fact you are already in a relationship with another. Seems to me that your focus is not on your present relationship and that you are seeking something missing or is not possible with you present partner. However you also call this present relationship an exclusive dating partner. Sounds like you have an escort. This doesn't help I know. The difference of age is an age old question, but then so is falling in love with someone else while with another. The problem is simple who cares what others will think. It's none of their business to tell anyone else who they should be in love with anyways. I have dated and married same age fashion and it always sucked. My preferences are for younger woman. I never really liked being dad, but always loved being the "old man". I am married to a younger woman by sixteen years. It has its querks, but has been satisfying to a point. Younger woman have large love appetites and can be quite adventureous no matter how "good" you are, but still will claim to be in love and love you, especially if they drink. If they don't great, if they do expect to be in for a wild ride. You probably will end up angry or you can accept this possibility and have a great ride until she becomes complacent and you become bored and start looking for even a younger woman. Twisted Huh!!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2011):

You are not alone, I have found myself in the same situation although mine is a little different. I am 40 year old man, and I have been dating a 28 year old woman. We get along great, and I have been seeing her for a few months now. I feel I am falling in love with her more and more as time goes on. I can't stop thinking about her, she is on my mind day and night. I find myself wishing I was with her 24-7. Problem is I am married. I didn't go out looking to cheat on my wife, it just happened. My job requires me to travel a lot to another state, and I met the younger lady in this other state one night when I went to a club. She approached me and we started talking and we just connected very well. The 28 year old knows I am 40 and she also knows I am married, but she does not care. I told her I fealt that if I was truley happy at home with my wife then I would not be here with her. She agreed. My wife has no clue about this other woman yet, but I know I need to tell her as it seems that the 28 yr old and I are moving to another level slowly but surely.

Just thought I would share this story to let you know you are not alone, age does not matter, and to follow your heart. That's what I am going to do...Good Luck.

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A male reader, elkabong United States +, writes (17 March 2011):

I am 46 and fell in love with a young and beautiful 23 year old woman last year. I am divorced and she was available. At first we didn't care about age, but as she fell more and more in love it became an issue for her. But we discussed it, and I am a health nut, I workout daily and eat healthy, and I don't get tired. So who cares what other people think? We are in love and I am going for it! I hope we get married and have kids (I don't have any). I plan to live to 100 and I am NOT slowing down. However, I used to be very heavy (250lbs) , now I am 180 lbs fit and trim, with all my hair. She helped me finish my turn around and my new life. Here is a secret I will give you to keep that young lady happy: Cialis. That's right you old farts, Cialis will make her think you are an ANIMAL! No young stud can compete with me . ha ha ha. In the gym or in the bed. arrghhh arrghh: Caution however: Cialis makes the old ladies look good too ! ha ha ha

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A male reader, Toutou08 United States +, writes (8 October 2010):

Hey, I can relate to what you are feeling. I am currently going through similar feelings. The only difference between our two situations is that I am 20 years older and I am married, but she is not. In my case I do think about the age difference, but not as much as my commitment to my wife. I love my wife, but believe am falling in love with the other. Lately the one in question has been the first person I think of in the morning and last person I think of before going to sleep. When we are together it is as if the world stops and nothing else matters. I have not told her how I feel, but am dying to. I haven't because of, of course, my situation. I do feel as if I have betrayed my wife, although nothing other than feelings have transpired between me and other. But nonetheless, I am leaning towards telling my wife about my feelings, because it is not fair to her. She deserves someone who will put her first above all else and because of my feelings now it cannot be me anymore. After telling my wife, I may take a chance telling the other about my feelings if she is still available and other things are in our favor, like I said before, things are similar, but a little bit more complicated. But in your case, you are not married, so that may make things easier for you; and you said one very important thing - you are in love with the other and love the one you are currently with. IN LOVE being the dead give away. If this is true, life, albeit complicated most of the times, is also very simple. If you are IN LOVE with her, if she makes you HAPPY and your HEART is at PEACE when with her, then tell your current girlfriend the truth, you owe her that much, and take the next step, follow you heart and try to be HAPPY for the time that you have in this LIFETIME. Based on previous comments made by other members, the world is always ready to pass out judgment, I have come to learn things are not always black and white, but it is you my friend who must live your life, not I or anyone else. So long as you do your best to not consciously hurt another while trying to find PEACE AND HAPPINESS, follow your heart and grab on to the one you are IN LOVE with for as long as you can and everything will follow be ok. GODSPEED.

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A male reader, savron United Kingdom +, writes (21 April 2010):

savron agony auntI am most interested to read of this situation in responce to my own question - What to do when you fall in love with a much younger woman? Reading your entry I can feel the pain and frustration you have to fight when you are at work together and it describes some of the pain and frustration I have felt since falling genuinely in love with a woman I work with who is 20 years younger. My situation is quite different but I can recognise so clearly similar issues. For me whilst recognising the younger woman holds a deep affection for me I also realise she feels she must deny those feelings because of the vast age diference and the complications she can see in developing the relationship both for her as a divorced woman with a young child and in a relationship and for me a happily married man for 0ver 30 years. I know we both enjoy our moments together immensely and look forward to working together but the strain and pain experienced has reached a point where I am almost desperate to tell her completely how I feel about her and face the consequences but to be honest my biggest fear is that we will stop working together. I am entirely besotted by her and everything she is and does and although nothing has taken place I feel strangely I am in some way cheeting on my very special wife. No one asks for this situation and I certainly was not looking to fall in love so as things stand there is no guilt. What the answer is Im afraid I, like you, do not really know but all I do know I would rather see her and enjoy her company when I do than not.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2009):

I seeing a girl thats 25 i am 49 most People think im yonger than 49. So far its going good but her mother thinks i to old for her but her mother never helps her. She ended up being homeless whold aney of her family help her no. I let her live in my house with me so she could find a place for her and her 2 year old daughter. I help her move and get all set in her new apartment. we see each other almost every day.I was not out looking for someone this young. we have so mutch fun together. I know Sometimes it dose work out my mother was 21 years older than her last husban he died at 53 she was 74 now she 77 and going strong.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2008):

Hi. This is strange I stumbled across your question whilst looking for an answer from the exact other side. I am a 23 year old female and although I hate to say it, having an affair with my 37year old university supervisor. This all started months ago when I was in the same situation you find yourself in now. Things got increasingly more complicated, started spending more time together, starting relying on each other on a day to day basis for affection and companionship. This all happening while we too were/are still with respective partners. The situation is now becoming increasingly painful. Neither of us seem willing to leave our partners and although we clearly have loving feelings for each other- it doesn't appear to be enough to want to take that leap. I don't know what situation you are in with regard to your own health and happiness but although my feelings for him are genuine and unexpected, i feel that his are a reflection of other circumstances in his life. I do NOT mean the age gap- but more the extra baggage which comes along with age (in the nicest possible way). He is unhappily married and suffering from depression- I can't help but feel these two factors influence his feelings for me dramatically. The only advice I can offer is to always go with your heart- because it wouldn't be worth letting something go for the sake of worrying about something trivial such as age. But please for both your sakes do it in a controlled manner- take it slowly. I feel as though I am in over my head now and the pressure to choose between him and my partner is driving me insane. You have to try and stay logical and detached from the situation otherwise you are likely to both end up in limbo like us, where no-one can decide anything for fear of everything going wrong.

Good Luck!

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A female reader, iAintYourAunt United States +, writes (16 February 2008):

iAintYourAunt agony auntI agree with the fact it can be confusing. If she loves you more than the guy she's with, it could be meant to be. Your heart is obviously more with her than the lady you're with. Does she feel the same or does she still have enough love and commitment to the guy she's with to give it up? Remember, as it is possible to love two people, it's possible to love them both the same. I don't think in the long run you would want her to be with you and still having feelings for him like she does you today.

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A male reader, polarkite United States +, writes (16 February 2008):

polarkite agony auntPart of the excitement with this girl might just be due to the fact that it's forbidden play, not only because you are both in relationships but because your little tryst is happening at your work.

I would really go with anon here and suggest you examine your feelings. Sounds like you do not have a healthy relationship with your current gal.

If these feelings persist, you are more likely to hurt your current gf in the long run, then by simply being truthful.

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A female reader, Laura1318 Malaysia +, writes (16 February 2008):

Laura1318 agony auntLove is not about age or looks but about maturity and compatibility.

If you think age is a hurdle then you are not matured enough to be in love on a deeper level.

If your head and your heart go on a colluding course, then you will have no peace .

Will your head follow your heart or will your heart follow your head?

They cannot be pulling in different directions.

If you cannot fight off those feeling, let go and be swept off by the tsunami.

Peace inside of you and that is all that matters.

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A female reader, speedcat United States +, writes (16 February 2008):

To be completly honest with you, Its great that you didnt cheat, but on the other hand, you need to let your girlfriend go....if feelings are there for this other woman. Its not fair to do to your current girlfriend. Just beware sometimes the grass isnt greener on the other side. Right now its all about the fantasy.will she live up to your expectations? Will you be let down? Who knows? But it really doesnt seem fair to hold on to someone who you trully dont love,,,doesnt feel fair to her does it? good luck.

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A male reader, GrimmReality United States +, writes (16 February 2008):

GrimmReality agony auntHave you told the 23 year old that you love her? If you havent, Don't! If you have, you have opened up a can of worms that are going to affect more than just you and the 23 year old. HONESTY is always the best policy. And tell your current partner that you are breaking up with her before you do ANYTHING Physical with the 23 year old. You need to respect your current partner enough to do that!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2008):

Well I guess you don't truly love the girl you are with otherwise you would have never let this happen. Fortunately you two are not married cause you really don't deserve her. I mean even if you decide to stay with your current girl, what's the point? In my opinion, the relationship is already tainted. What are you going to stay with her for? Out of pity? Comfort? To settle? Those aren't good enough reasons. If you really loved her you would have never done this. So what is your real reason for being with her? Cause clearly its not for true love. Cause a guy who truly loves a girl would never have let this happen. So just be honest with yourself and with her. I think she deserves to know that your bond with her in actuality is really weak. That way she can make plans to move on and find someone who's bond with her will be lot stronger and will appreciate her enough to never turn an eye. She deserves that.

As for the other young girl, well if you think you love her then go ahead and pursue her. But, I'll be honest, just by seeing how you treat relationships, I don't think it is going to work out with the other girl either. I think you need some maturing to do and really learn how to treat people and be honest with them and with yourself. You gotta learn to be more loyal and learn to stand by your woman and stick things out. But apparently that is hard for you, so in that case you shouldn't be in a relationship and lead people on only to end up hurting them. For me, a relationship is a big deal. Its a commitment. When I say "I love you" I mean it. And love is never having to say you're sorry. You shouldn't get involved if you don't feel ready or understand the value of love and commitment. Its not fair and you shouldn't play with people's hearts like that.

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