A
female
age
30-35,
*nanna
writes:Hi, will try to keep this as short as I can.A little background: A few months ago I met a charming older man (49 years old) and what began as a short romance started developing into something more serious and longer, with him (he lived in a different city 4 hours away from where I am) coming back to see me less 3 days after his holiday in my city (he stayed for a week). Less than a month after we met, the guy asks me to be exclusive (I wasn't dating anyone else after we met anyway) and a couple of months into the relationship (during which we would meet every week and talk to each other all day long) he starts talking about me moving in with him and having a kid someday. Fast forward, at the beginning of August we spend 5 days together in his city and he takes me to the airport as I was leaving for a month long visit to my family abroad. That same month, but 2 weeks after me, he was to leave abroad too, for work, which he did (he works at sea, spending weeks at a time on ships). Less than two weeks ago I receive a FB message from my him that he has met someone else that "he really cares about" and that he has special feelings for, and that "after a very long time" he wants to give a chance to that relationship and play fair, and be open to what it brings, followed by the usual bs that he wishes me all the best, that he thinks I am a very special woman and he was lucky to get to know me etc. I only replied that all that was breaking my heart, to which he just replied that he "never saw it coming" that I was interested in him long term (which really left me puzzled) and that he never intended to hurt me. All that less than a month after we last saw each other, during which time we would still talk to each other daily and exchange pictures from where we were, as always. He told me that he had met her after I left on holiday (which also makes me wonder-when did it become so serious already?!)I deleted him from FB, but we are still connected on Messenger, and last Sunday, when I noticed that he changed his profile picture there I decided (bad idea) to go and check his profile and saw that he had changed his relationship status to "in a relationship" (he had it set on single when we were together) and all his friends and family congratulated him for finding someone-one family member of his even commented "her, we feel happy with". A friend of his was asking on a comment to tell him something about her and I saw that he replied with posting a picture of her (which he later deleted). She does look older than me, probably around 38-40. I'm saying that because sometimes he looked worried about what people who saw us together in public thought and once he had asked me if I there was any time that I didn't feel cool with people seeing me with him (I never felt that way). I knew that the age difference might have been a problem-maybe more for him than me as he said many times that he felt very confused about "his direction at life" and sometimes talked about leaving everything and moving abroad but decided to stay instead and start going to nurse school in his city so that he could "change his life". I also know that his family and mostly his brothers would pressure him about his life (not having his own home or car or even family at that point of his life) and I suspect that maybe the same thing was happening concerning his relationship with me. Well. In the final messages, he said that he thought it best that we had no contact at all, not even to write as friends.I have respected that so far-but at the same time I feel so bad, I have been crying for days. That was the person I loved, who had been telling me that he felt lonely and that he missed me, that he couldn't wait to see and be with me again. I feel devastated and I am seriously considering breaking the no contact thing and sending him a message-I really don't want to get back with him, as I feel disgusted with him just looking for someone else as soon as I left for holidays (if that was true and hadn't even met her before that), I feel that what happened was so inexplicably unfair and I think that only if I let him know what I feel or even give him a piece of my mind I can really try to move on and even start to forget about it. I am also considering sending back his gifts back to him when I go back home-I don't think that I will even be able to look at those things again. It now feels as if he used me for whatever reason (sex, loneliness or anything else) despite of what he was saying and doing. Most of all, it hurts so much that he didn't even stop to think to give our relationship a chance but immediately thought that for whatever reason the other person was better than me for something serious. It feels like he threw everything he had with me away so easily, that it never really mattered to him, even though it felt like it at that time.Any thoughts? Has anyone had anything similar happen to them?
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (17 September 2017):
 I think you should look at the silver linings... And trust me, there are more than a few here. He was close to double your age and think of all the troubles that you would have faced later had this worked out. Imagine having kids with him when he's 55!
Despite his age, he wasn't rooted or anchored in his life. He himself admitted that he was confused about his "direction". At 49?!! Really? Gimme a break! If he doesn't know what he wants out of life by now, it's safe to say that he never will.
No home and no car. Away for weeks at a time in ships. Really OP, where did you find this catch? And you're crying over HIM?!! Come on!
And I think that more than anything else, he knew that you were out of his league and that you and him don't "fit" in the long run. And for once, he was right. Differences in background, upbringing, class, education, just the way of thinking... These things are bound to catch up and he knew that you were nowhere close to him. It was only a matter of time before the sex haze faded and reality set in. The new woman is almost certainly more relatable for him than you. Older and certainly not as good as you. Of course!
I think you should thank your stars and not look back for even one second. Forget regrets, don't even waste a moment thinking about him. He was just someone very forgettable who did you a favour by letting go of you because if you'd stayed together, it was only a matter of time before you were miserable and not being able to get out of it. At least he's released you completely. That's a big relief!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2017): I'm so sorry. He is a jerk to do that to you. Don't contact him, it won't give you any closure and will just hurt you more. He played with your feelings and isn't worth your tears. Don't send his gifts back, sell them or trash them.
I know it hurts now, but it will get better.
I doubt very much his new relationship will work out and he will probably contact you again, if he does stay strong & tell him to get lost.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (15 September 2017):
 The worst thing that you can do is contact him, it won't give you closure. You need to accept that he is now with someone else and move forward with your life. My guess is that yes he knew her before dating you. I also guess that he was using you, and while that is a hard pill to swallow we all get hurt. The first red flag was being ashamed to be seen with you in public because off the age difference if he loved you he wouldn't have cared. Also if he had true feelings for you he would not have ended things over a message and tell you he was seeing someone else. Their is obviously some reason why he is still single at his age with nothing to show for himself. No home no car. I think you have had a lucky escape. Contacting him won't help it will only make you more frustrated. The only tip I have for you is if you are dating in the future, find someone who lives closer to you, meeting up once a week is not a great start for a relationship.
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A
female
reader, mishi 1  +, writes (14 September 2017):
 Hi there,I am sorry you are going through this. I had kind of same situation. I was very upset for short period of time. Now , I am very happy.A hypocrite is not in my life any more. He knew her before you. He is lier. My friends advice me leave him . Since he is older and not successful. But , I thought atleast he is honest and love me but I was wrong . What he did to me it make easy for me to forget about him.We have to be regret if we lose someone wroth it not someone who is loser.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 September 2017):
 I think he KNEW her before he started dating you but it wasn't serious with her YET. So he wanted one last "hurrah!" with a young pretty thing (no offense) and dated you for a little while.
When the opportunity struck for him to actually DATE her he dumped you like a hot potato and "jumped ship".
Her age is rather pointless -except that she might not be giving him any children.
JUST because someone says things like I can see us being a family and have kids - it doesn't mean that is going to happen. Sometimes they mean it, sometimes they don't.
It doesn't sound like you REALLY missed out on a great guy. Seriously. From all you write, not having a career, home, car he sounds like someone who is rather "behind" the curve for a guy his age. And that goes for his behavior as well. He sounds rather immature, to be honest.
Date someone who you have things in common with and who is honest and open.
TBH... You can do a LOT better than this old fart.
Go slow. Date someone who lives closer to you so you can get to know them IN person (not mainly over messenger and once a week). Maybe also date someone who says what they mean and means what they say instead of all that BS he tried to spoon feed you.
The only closure you will find is that he didn't care as deeply for you as you did for him. You were a diversion. And you can do better.
Nothing he can say will fix that little sting of rejection. But really... would you rather he strung you along longer? I think if he was "embarrassed" to be seen in public with a much younger woman, his direction in life etc... he just wasn't all that serious about you.
And yes, I DO think he knew her before dating you but that she either not available or he wasn't sure she'd be interested in him. Or he was talking to her WHILE dating you and the moment she showed the level of interest he jumped from you to her. Don't feel bad about that. That just means it wasn't meant to be and that he wasn't all that serious about you.
Honey, cheer up. You can do better than this.
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