A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been happily dating for over 2 and a half years (our third will be February 1st of next year) and we are totally committed to each other. We just got our own place and things are pretty good. However, there's just one problem: we can't have sex.Now I have thought very long and hard about this. I am a virgin and I know 100% that I am ready for this. Every time we try to get intimate, things just don't work because it just hurts too much. This frustrates me because I believe in the philosophy that your virginity is a gift and the one time I truly want to give it, it backfires. I don't even want to bother trying anymore because I know it won't work and it makes me sad. It's not about the sex in general, I just want to feel close to him. I know I can achieve that without sex. But I don't know. I can sit here and list a million reasons, but none of them will ever be valid to complete strangers. I just want to know what I have to do. I don't want to hear "Oh you're too young." I'm 19 years old, school is my number one priority and there is no age limit to having sex. I've been waiting most of my life to meet the guy of my dreams and I can see this relationship going pretty far. Not that I want to get married right away. Anyway, any suggestions as to how I should "get intimate," I would really appreciate it. Thanks in advance. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2008): I had exactly the same problem, it was because I had a septate hymen. If you google this you will find lots of info. The best thing to do is go to a doctor and get referred to a gynecologist. If it's your hymen that's hurting you they can do a very quick painless operation to cut it. Good luck, believe me there is no reason to despair I felt like that once but now sex is fine for me.
A
female
reader, lexilou  +, writes (8 September 2008):
 Its probably vaginismus where your vaginal muscles tense up when penetration occurs, its usually psychological so go see you doctor and get help for this condition. It happens to lots of women so dont get embarrassed your doctor will have seen lots of patients with this condition and will refer you to a specialist x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2008): ok when i lost my virginity...it hurt so bad....and for a really long time everytime i had sex it hurt ...some women hurt some dont....even some women have inverted insides causing sex to hurt more often than it should...hate to say this but get some lubrication and just try to do it ...if in fact thats what you really want....after all that stuff is over you may relize how awesome sex can be!
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (7 September 2008):
 ps forgot to say: have you tried something other than him??? sorry - sounds a bit technical - but, for example, a finger? You could build up the number of fingers until there wasn't much different between that and him!! That way you can gently get over the hurting bit?
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (7 September 2008):
I don't think you're too young at all - you're a young adult in the prime of your life, and it's quite ok (as far as I think) for you, in your very secure, monogamous situation, to want to do this. And trust me, what is a strong relationship will only become closer and more lovely through sex.
But ouch, that's a real problem, it hurting too much. I imagine it's just the way you and/or he are built, but I would just basically go straight to a sympathetic, good, female doctor and ask for advice. I wonder if lots of lubrication would just do the trick - you could buy some kind of extra lubrication easily enough, and use that, and see if it helps.
Or go horse-riding for hours - that will probably break yr hymen!! Then it will be easier!!!! (no, seriously - there are exercises, etc. on the net for that kind of thing - maybe just google it?). I think the key is lubrication. And also realising that maybe the first time it will really hurt, but later it won't. Maybe you just have to get through that?? I think everybody is different, and some people it really does hurt. I was lucky in that it didn't really hurt me. And have you tried being on top? That's the best way to control things, I think.
Good luck!! And DON'T lose heart - get on to google, and to a good doctor. Just persevere. And be ready to grit your teeth the first time, I guess ... not maybe what you wanted, but remember it is only the beginning. : )
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