New here? Register in under one minute   Already a member? Login244945 questions, 1084256 answers  

  DearCupid.ORG relationship advice
  Got a relationship, dating, love or sex question? Ask for help!Search
 New Questions Answers . Most Discussed Viewed . Unanswered . Followups . Forums . Top agony aunts . About Us .  Articles  . Sitemap

Everytime I turn around she needs money.

Tagged as: Dating, Family, Long distance, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (17 November 2016) 11 Answers - (Newest, 22 November 2016)
A male United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I am currently in a LDR and it has become frustrating how financially dependent she has become. We were in this situation when we lived in the same town, however, I was living at home and didn't pay any bills while working. Now I am living on my own and it just seems like at every turn she needs money for something. I understand she has to give money to her family, but we both work full time and I just feel drained. What can I do about this?

View related questions: living at home, money

<-- Rate this Question

Reply to this Question


Share

Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question!

A female reader, Eagle'sfan1986 United States +, writes (22 November 2016):

Is she a friend or gf? Just tell her you can't keep on avoiding to give her alot of money at all since you need the money to pay the bills since you live on your own. If she can't understand it then the relationship wasn't right to began with. Fighting about money can damage a relationship in the first place. Does she work like you do? I'd so she needs to save her own money to gelo n our her parents. Not depend on you for everything at all. Money doesn't grow on trees at all.

<-- Rate this answer

A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (17 November 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntSimple tell her to stop asking for money as you cannot afford to be giving away any. I think it has become habit because you allowed it to happen from early on, so now she just expects you to give her money. Sit down and talk with her and tell her enough is enough.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, BrownWolf Canada +, writes (17 November 2016):

BrownWolf agony aunt

"Everytime I turn around she needs money."

Then stop turning around...and keep walking in the other direction. You need to live too. So if all your money is going to look after her family...how are you going to look after your own family, if you ever have one???

She is not your wife, and they are not your in-laws. So really...not your responsibility.

What if something happen to your parents where you need to help out financially? Then what?

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Ivyblue Australia +, writes (17 November 2016):

Ivyblue agony aunt"Sorry babe, i just dont have it"- no more explanation needed

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2016):

Just ask her outright for cashback!Tell her "sweetheart darling im so hard upnright now.

The boiler broke down and I cant get warm and then my aunt, the one i never told you about before unexpectedly died and the funeral bills are horrendous!

Just give me $2000 to help me out now!

You know I love your adorable little ass but I need some cash right now!

I got no petrol in the car and no money in the bank and if you dont give me any I will have to go to the nearest sex worker and see if they can do something for me!

You know I love you pouchiepoo but I just cant hold on no longer for you!

I'll be waiting for your call to say the moneys in the bank!

I love you, I really do!

You are the most wonderful thing inthe whole world!

Just shake that money maker poochiepoo!

I love you!

See if she sends you $2000 or cuts you down short or drops you when she figures your not giving her any more.

It sounds like a very dishonest relationship so far!

One your bank balance doesnt enjoy and to be honest how did you forget that YOU are in control of your bank account and not her?

If you had a child together it would make sense but if there is no child, then you are just a step on her ladder up to better things.

Are you sure you are not paying *pretty tax*!

Thats often imposed on others by pretty girls who think you should give them a bit of money just for talking to them.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2016):

TELL HER THE BANK IS CLOSED IF SHE GETS MAD WHO CARE PEOPLE WILL USE YOU TIL THEY USE U UP.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, YouWish United States +, writes (17 November 2016):

YouWish agony auntI hate to say this, but you're being used right now and taken for a ride. You used to live in the same town when you lived at home, but now that you're working, you're long distance and she hits you up for money to send to her family?

First of all, I don't believe her that she's sending it to her family, and second of all, what is it to you if she is?? You're not married to her, and it sounds like you're not even in the same place as her now.

The issue is that money has just ruined your relationship. You are resenting being used as an ATM or bank, as Honeypie accurately stated, but you're being held prisoner to obligation, guilt, and the threat that money is all you have holding you together, since you're not in a conventional relationship anymore.

Money must NEVER enter a relationship like this. It's a violation of the relationship to hit a partner up for money like this where one is just giving the other money like clockwork. This isn't the same thing as living together and contributing to one household. You are propping her up. She's using you as a sugar daddy, and you're not even there for the "sugar"!

You need to end things one way or the other. I am guessing that when you say no, she'll leave you since the money well has run dry. You need to tell her that you can and will no longer send her money for any reason. Don't even say "I'm really sorry, but..." because don't be sorry. She should be the one sorry about treating you like this. This isn't some one-off. She's draining you like a wood tick!

You could tell her that if she wanted to stay with you, it's under the understanding that money must never enter the conversation again under any circumstances. However, you're long distance, and as it sounds, there is no real plan to be together with an actual date in mind (i.e. graduating college, or deployment ending). You're just open-ended long distance, and that plus the money thing has just put a stake in it.

There are many other women out there who will love you for you and won't use you and take you for a doormat or pushover. You need to take a stand, and you can't let another penny go from you to her, especially if she's turning it around and milking you for money for her family (which I'm dubious about!).

That's a con, by the way. I'm not saying that she's doing this, but I have known guys who got into this predicament, to the point where they're making deals with their debt collectors and bill payers because they couldn't say no, only to have the person they were giving the money to either buying drugs, gambling, or worst? Spending it on the person they were cheating on the money-giver with.

Again, I'm not talking about the one-offs. I'm talking about the habitual multiple money requests like your girl is doing. One trait that will destroy a marriage or long-term partnerships is someone who is irresponsible with money. Are her money habits something you can support? Wouldn't it be better to be with someone who is responsible with money and isn't mooching off of loved ones constantly? You need the courage to say "No more".

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom +, writes (17 November 2016):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntUltimately, I don't think you should be paying anything for her, other than maybe pay for all of your visits (gas money, restaurant bill, movie tickets, etc.). You can help her budget, but not give her money, especially when you don't know where it's going or why she hasn't got the money.

How LDR is this? How often do you see each other? How far apart are you? How long have you been together?

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (17 November 2016):

CindyCares agony auntJust tell her ! Not angry or confrontational. Just nice simple, and final : "I am very sorry, but I cannot give you any more money . Before I was able to help you because, as you know, I was still living home and not paying any bills, but now that I am on my own I have seen that I cannot afford it because it puts too big of a dent on my finances ".

That's sheer logic, and I am surprised she did not think of it herself, unless she does not know how much you make and overestimated it in her head.

If she gets mad - well, ask yourself if you really need a girlfriend who does not care a fig about depriving you and having you struggling... because she has to help her family. In fact, if this is the case-... possibly that's a family that you want to stay away from . Particularly if you aspire one day to start your own family.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, N91 United Kingdom +, writes (17 November 2016):

N91 agony auntWhy doesn't she use her own money to give to her family? What does she do with her own funds?

Just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean she's allowed your money whenever she asks for it. You can say no to her.

If you let her treat your like a doormat she will do. Ask why she can't use her own money.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (17 November 2016):

Honeypie agony auntLearn to say no?

You are her partner, not her ATM.

Think about it, IF you put the money you have been given her over time away in a savings account how much would it be?

I'd be honest with her and tell her you can't afford to pay for her expenses as well as your own. Maybe suggest you two sit down and work out a budget for her. If she is working full time and making OK money, you shouldn't HAVE to top her finances off. SHE isn't your wife. You don't share finances or even live together.

It sounds to me like she is really bad at budgeting and spends money either on stuff she can't afford or impulse purchases.

You are enabling her to be dependent on you for money when you really should support her in being independent.

She CHOOSES to give money to her family, but WHY is it on you to bail her out?

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

Add your answer to the question "Everytime I turn around she needs money."

Already have an account? Login first
Don't have an account? Register in under one minute and get your own agony aunt column - recommended!

All Content Copyright (C) DearCupid.ORG 2004-2008 - we actively monitor for copyright theft

0.0312592999998742!