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female
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anonymous
writes: It seems like everything is going wrong. My cousin just killed himself. My best friend left for the Army. I have no where to stay, and I feel like I won't make it through my last year in High School. Everyone thinks I am fine because I am always acting fine. But the moment they can't see, my real face shows, and I sink to the lowest low.Sometimes when I'm with people, I'll wander off, or even leave without notice, and end up on my own. I don't think I want to be alone, it is just like I'm never where I want to be.There is only one person I truly care about, but I can't have them or be with them. I could never express my feeling towards them. When I tried, I did it in the wrong way, and now some would say I am a stalker, and I can't stop because I don't see a point.I feel like I'm more than one person, like I lead different lives. No one knows that I hate myself and my life. I can't talk to people. I'm an honor roll athlete, and my talent is supposed to take me to great places, but now smoking, drugs, and alcohol have threatened my future.I just feel like I've dug a hole that I can't get out of. I don't know what to do...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2008): Hello, i just wanted to say that i am very sorry for you. I understand that you must feel like everything is going wrong in your life but you need to talk to someone. If you feel like you want to keep this to yourself , you need to at least do something good for yourself.
if you feel angry you can let it out by running in the forest with really loud music or dance to rock or hip hop in your room.
But in my opinion i think you should talk to someone about this. It might help you, and they even might give you better advice than i can.
I hope you feel better.
/ Someone who knows how you feel but is not going threw the same thing.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2008): I'm sorry you are going through this right now.
When a loved one dies it's very difficult to go through it alone. I really suggest opening up to a counselor at school about this. They at the very least will listen as you get things off of your chest and out in the open. It's their job.
No one deserves to go through hard times with a zipped mouth. Talk to someone about this and you'll find that you are not alone and that people care more than you think.
I'll say a prayer for you. Whether or not you believe in it, God is there next to you during the hardest times when you feel like letting go. Just lean on him and let other people help you too.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2007): I have some of your feelings. A woman tried very hard to get me into her life, just to get me thinking about her without any physical contact ever, and now that she fills my thoughts every day, she ignores me, and I can't get her out of my head. It's a strange feeling. I want to get away, but no matter where I go I'm still there, and it's all of the hurt inside that I'm really trying to get away from. This happened to me before, and I know eventually I will get over it, but it still hurts so bad. It's almost like I just broke my leg really badly, and I know it will heal, but I still have to wear a cast for two months. Except that whereas the leg would heal in 6 - 8 weeks, this kind of hurt lasts for years. I keep kicking myself because even though she's the one who tried so hard to put herself into my head, I'm the one who let her in, and so once again I have only myself to blame.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2007): Hi. that's really traumatic but i agree that you should shout, scream or smash something. smashing is good.i like smashing things. (evil laughter) remember you've always got a friend somwhere. soz, i cudn't b much more help. just consider us a shoulder to cry on. :)
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female
reader, Countitalljoy  +, writes (13 April 2007):
First let me give you my empathy for the loss of your friend! I could never explain to understand that pain. What it does sound like though, is that some of the weight of the loss of your friend is something that you carry on your shoulders, when indeed you are not at all to blame! Life brings tons of sour lemons our way, but it's what we do with what is thrown at us that really counts! I tend to be the type of person that is always going through something, rather it is a fight, money issues, losing my apt. SOMETHING! SWEAR! Honestly though, it never helps to hold these emotions in, they will fester and eat you alive internally! Try writing it out if there is no body that you can talk to, scream at the top of your lungs, cry or choose someone close to you to lean on and confide in. If you are feeling weak, it's not anything that you have done wrong! You are one person and you deserve to know happiness!!!! Seek it, but not through the harm of substance abuse, you will only end up being more unhappy, and your sadness will soon turn into self hatred!
You feel like everyone expects you to be this trophy of perfection and seriously, that is not your job! Let someone know that you need help with getting through your issues, that proves you strong not weak! From school, seek out counselling, this will allow you to speak to someone without judgement and you can say the things you need to say that are welled up inside of you.
It will all be okay! I can promise you!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2006): okay, this is annoymous which is probaly for the better. But heres how my life has been going for the last, seems like ever. My dads desided hitting me is the best way of punishment and my mom agrees even when its over dishes not being done one bad language, even though my little sister can say what ever she wants. I got raped a while back but it still haunts me. I even have dreams about it where i wake up screaming. The guy i told the world too, my first real love. Broke up with me over something stupid and pretty much hated me for 2 months, while i still loved him he made my life as horrible as he could. Including putting ignorant comments on my live journal and telling everyone in highschool (i'm in grade 9 and i'm going there next year) rummors about me, then they left oh' so wonderful comments on my livejournal too. Dealing with all the pain of loosing him was enough but to have all the other hurtfulness come with it was almost too much. Then me and my dad started getting closer and the abuse was slowly stoping until one day he desides we aren't making enough money and moving to alberta working away from his family was the best way to get it. So having my dad gone made my mom the worst person to be around and i got grounded a lot more. Then i start thinking maybe i could get over my first love and try to move on, and i find someone amazing and i got really attached even though i told myself not too. Then i realised all he wanted was 'sexual activitie' and once he got what he wanted he left me. The ironic thing about it is i was drunk when he got it, and with him not being able to drink and all you would think he would stop me? But he was all for it. But the last few days before we broke up he was flirting with my friend.. my longest friend ( i've known since i was 4). Who he had history with way back when. and a few days after we break up i find out he likes her and she likes him. GREAT, first i 'think' i'm over my first love and then i try to move on and then this guy leaves me for my bestfriend. Then i start talking to my first love again, we hang out and have a really good time and yes i ignored everything he put me threw but it was worth it. I dont know if he still loves me but i love him so muchs still. Then i get mad when i hear the news about my bestfriend and my ex. likeing eachother and she gets mad because she knows i've been hanging out with my first love. and i shouldn't care? I obviously care a little, i liked this guy. She should know that. So now she hates me, for being mad and i guess i'm an immature bi*** even though i apologized and was trying to fix things.
Other then that, my closest friend.. My offical bestfriend never has time for me anymore, and i cant talk to her like i use to. She has an amazing guy in her life.. and the kind of life people would kill to have! But no time for me. I miss her so much, and when ever i try to talk to her about it. She never wants to hear it, she dont see how far we've drifted apart. but we have a lot.. too much.
I have a lot of stuff that goes threw my mind everyday, and all of this is way to long and i explained it right neatly. Now i'm going to put out a few things in point form to get this over with so you dont have to read anymore.
- One of my best guy friends just confessed hes inlove with me and hes great but i have no feelings for him at all, and this is upseting him so bad hes wants to die
- My other really really close guyfriend has loved me forever and i just found out. Now thinking back i've lead him on so much and i can only imagine how bad it hurt him when i siad we're only ever going to be friends.
- My oldest sister moved to edmonton, She was like my mom i told her EVERYTHING and she helped me out in a reasonable matter. like a mother
- My little sister hates me, and everytime i look to her to talk to she tells the world.
- I'm scared my little brothers going to turn out an alcoholic like my father and hit his wife, cause he has no problem hitting me and my little sister when we fight with him.
- My oldest brother is never ever around he moved out when i was 5, and i cant even remember his middle name.
- My older brother pretty much hates me cause he has friends in high school( he graduated last year) and they hear the rummors that my first love spread about me, now he thinks i'm a drugged up slut.
- All this stuff being told about me had got my self estem down so low to a point where i actualy hate myself and i've attemped suicide twice. Its okay though my parents dont know because they dont care about me enough to wander into my life, and me laying on the grounded with bloody wristes meant nothing to them.
- the empty tylonal bottle is just a money issue to my mother, she doesn't care how bad i'm hurting myself.
- I drink way too much, and this is the first time i admited it
- I'm 15 and i've done drugs 8 times.. dont that sound a little bad?
-I'm probaly going to be doing grad 9 over, i need to get my prioritys straight. cause throwing my binder at the wall and ignoring the teacher proably isn't the best way to pass.
If i continue to go on I wont know where to end.. I have more that would proably be just another word so another random person but i'm sure my life issues are the last thing to your conserns so to whom ever has tooken the time to read this, i'm terrible sorry. I'm a waste of time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2005): your life sounds like mine did, i say did, but mine is stil on the mend.
in 2003 my mum lost her battle with cancer which lasted a year, which left my whole family devistated, my grandad was in his late 70's and he had seen his wife and his daughter die from cancer so after my mum passed away it was upto me to look after him, which was not a chore because he was family and i loved him, sad ly 8 months after my mum passed away he passed away after a long stay in a place he hated more than anyone, hospital. after his funeral my life didn't have a purpose, for the past 20 months i was looking after two people who i loved. so in november 2003 i had now only got myself, yes i have two brothers but they are in the armed forces and i hardly see them. i also have my dad but don't realy like him, which is a reason i cannot say. for the last few months of 2003 i was left alone, not many friends to help me so i saw my doctor, who passed my details onto a shrink, after the new year in january 2004 i hit rock bottom, i tried to kill myself, if it wasn't due to the amount of alcohol i drank i would not be here. i passed out after drinking a bottle of whiskey and downing prescribed sleeping pills ( for my insomnia ), the next day, a full 24 hours after i passed out ( i think ) i awoke to the smeel of vomit, my head lay in a pool of it, i had half digested pills stuck to my head. i was very i'll, i called an ambulance and was taken to hospital and was monitored for two days, my family know nothing of this except i tried to kill myself, i was visited by a shrink and was admited to a care home for people at risk. i was there for three days i posed no further threat to myself. i got home and decided to quit my job which i had had for three years and loved it. i took a whole year out to get my life back on track. in october 204 i decided to move 500 miles away and try to start my life over again, it hasn't been easy and i didn't exspect it to be. i now have a full time job which i love again, i'm about to buy my first house by the end of 2005. my social life is still a bit slow but it's getting there. i'm meeting new people from agencies of the internet ( dating agencies ). i still lack some self respect but i'm getting there.
i tell you this because life has it's lows, but when you hit rock bottom there is only one way to go, UP
yes thats right, you now know that life can be shit and be cruel. you can change that, use this time to better yourself, ok, you take drugs, hopefully not class a drugs, if you are then get the help you want to stop, only get help if you truely want to, if you don't want to stop in your heart then you'l never stop. once you have started getting the help you need in that start to get you self respect back. there is no set rule about this but find something to do, a hobby. i took up blading and target shooting, i did this to get my mind working, you start to consentrate on other things, you will have down days, but they follow by better days.
some will sa get help from your doctor, well, in away i did get help from them after i did what i did, but after i left the "CARE HOME" i didn't get help from anyone, i used my own commonsense. what i mean is, is i told myself everyday never give up, keep going, once you become strong in mind and will, you'll be able to deal with most situations.
you say that you feel like two different people at times, one face for them and another for you. let them fight it out in your mind, which one do you want to be, the one who appears to be happy or the one that is depressed.
no one can ever imagine, and shouldn't try to empathize with you for what you feel like and what you have been through. thats my opinion, others will disagree and thats there right, i found it patronising and pissed me of. take each day as it comes and you'l get there. i'm not there fully but i will be soon, and when i am i will be a better person from it all.
i hope this helps, even in the smallest of ways. because you'l look back one day on your life and say, WOW,
I DID IT.
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female
reader, Irish49  + ♥, writes (9 August 2005):
 I am sorry you are enduring all this pain and hurt, in your life. From reading your letter, it seems to me, that you are suffering from depression. You are trying to hide it but no one really knows how bad you feel because you laugh and carry on as if nothing is wrong. Or you start avoiding people and places. You retreat even further or try to snap out of it but underneath only you know of the emptiness and sadness that accompanies you every minute of every day. Depression is not just having a bad day. It lingers, fades and returns for weeks and months.
It may take some time and effort but depression can be overcome. You are not sentenced to a lifetime of misery. Please..contact your family doctor who can recommend a counsellor to discuss options. Whether or not medication is prescribed, counselling has consistently been shown to be a useful way to overcome depression and minimize the possibility of it returning. A counsellor can help you look at the underlying causes which contribute to depressed feelings and then focus on ways to regain permanent control over your life. These methods become a big part of your daily life-ready to be used whenever you feel yourself sliding back into depression.
So make an appointment today and start on the road to helping yourself. You deserve to live a bountiful, happy, enriched life and this depression can be overcome with patience, time and the strong will to overcome it.I wish you well, in your future. Stay strong. Hugs, Irish
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male
reader, Buty +, writes (9 August 2005):
Hi I really unerstand your situation. But remember your life is your life and you gona sit down and reasses yourself and see what you jhave to actually do. My first question what do you really think your dead cousin and your friend in the Army were going to do if they were really next to you. I don't think much and everything entirely depends on your final decision. People may write to you very lovely answers but, unless you take the first step then all will be in vain. Look @ pple like Mike Tyson, girls like Barshosio, Barmaasai, Maria Ntola just to mention but a few came from nowhere and are @ the top of the world with the same talent that you have. What am I trying to tell. I'm saying GO GIRL you have the power and just say these words to yourself immediately you read this answer "I CAN BECAUSE" God wants me to.
Buty
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female
reader, womanlyglory +, writes (9 August 2005):
Part of what I'm picking up is that you have chosen to lower your expectations and you have forgotten who you are. I know you're grieving for the loss of your cousin and your best friend going away. I've been there myself. But you can't stop being who you are. You're making bad choices and this is all because of self hate. By taking drugs and alcohol is a form of suicide and self destruction. You know better than that. You have alot going for yourself. You're young and healthy and you have a chance to turn your life around. Do you think you could ever be sucessful and well honored in life with rewards if there wasn't any obstacles to go through? Give God a chance. Talk to Him. There are support groups and hotlines you can call for help. The main important thing is to focus on you and nourishing yourself with the love you deserve. There are many wonderful things in store for you in the future if you can just hang on through this tough time. It's all about building back bone. Someone is going to need your help in the future and you will be able to say,"Hey, I've been there."
So don't give up.
Advice can only do so much and this is all I can say to you. The rest all depends on your choices you make and how far you're willing to go to seek the counciling and support you need. Just have alittle faith in yourself. Athletes are tough! You're going to make it!
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reader, becky05 +, writes (9 August 2005):
I think you need to do two things, the first is to sit down and write down what you want from your life then make the appropriate steps to change things.
Secondly, i think you would benefit from a trip to your doctor. He/she may be able to refer you for counselling or other therapy in order for you to get your head round things.
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