A
female
age
30-35,
*tud1991
writes:I am a 25 year old stud lesbian I've been with the same woman since we were 16. We are married. She is the love of my life and couldn't picture one minute with out her in my life But we have had are bad times we have both cheated on each other I used to be very abusive.I take all my blame I know it was not perfect but I did try to make her happy always. I just found out that 2 years ago she had cheated on me with are old room mate who was a guy.she sucked his dick and I feel very betrayed and hurt. I feel like the guy was laughing at me. Every one she has cheated on me with was a guy. I guess I wonder what I should do?
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cheated on me, lesbian, roommate Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (18 July 2016):
 Off course it is hard, you need to get some confidence and realize you can do better, saying she won't let you leave is not an excuse, you are free to walk out the door, you are not her hostage. She has been honest with you, she prefers men, it sounds to me like her head is messed up, she wants you because she is scared to be without you after all this time, but she also prefers men, so she more than likely will keep cheating on you to get what she needs sexually from a man, this is not a marriage, this really is just a mess. Get out now and find someone who wants to be with you for who you are.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2016): The guy wasnt laughing at you! If anything he was a bit jealous.
Most men actually want to shag two lesbians in their fantasies.They make up stuff in their heads about how you'll start off exciting each other and then get so turned on that there's a full blooded man in the room that they hope you will come onto them like a pair of frustrated oversexed she goddesses!
Somehow this bloke manipulated your partner into a cock sucking situation!
It sounds a bit like a one off!
He never got her to agree to give him
the full male fantasy of you both yellin' screamin'and grindin'!
So if you want to stick together why
not be happy and stop stressing about it?
Try to find a guilty secret of your own like enjoying a spa or having your toes tickled with a feather and call it even!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2016): first time i’ve ever heard the term stud lesbian so i may not be the best adviser in this questionstud implies masculine traits so i assume that means you think of oyurself in a certain way and assume she should behaving in a certain wayif she’s married a stud then perhaps she’s attracted to the male aspect of yourself and so its not surprising when she cheated on you she went with a maleobviusly you don’t find men attractive so you cheated on her with womenwho cares, cheating is cheatingyou were both children when you got together, yes you were physically through puberty and all that but you are still reaching full adulthodd only just nowif you want to make it work you need to look past labels and hurt and start making positive choices. if your’e more invested in your label of stud and that’s what matters most -- i noticed you said you were a stud lesbian before you said you were married --- so your ego might be more important to you than your life partner’s happiness or the relationshipDecide if you are a me or part of a weDecide if you are ready to own up to your own responsibilityand decide if you really made the best choice of a life partner back when you were just 16what should you do? get a lesbian couples counselor and talk it through
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (16 July 2016):
 I'm sorry to say that as much as you may love her, it does not sound like you two are right for one another. It seems that perhaps when you married she hadn't fully sorted out her sexuality. At a minimum, she is bisexual, or she wouldn't be interested in the sex act she cheated on you by performing. Fellatio is very gender-specific; it can't happen without a penis. The male sex organ is the focal point of the ENTIRE act.
If she was bisexual with a preference for women, it might be less of a big deal. Although her actions would still be considered cheating - and therefore unacceptable in a committed, closed relationship - she might be less likely to repeat the offense. But when she admitted she prefers men, she basically told you, without actually speaking the words, that she is settling for you. That you are not her first choice as a partner. You can't give her what it is that she prefers, and sadly she will always be tempted to look elsewhere, even if she doesn't choose to act on it.
The person who truly is right for you (and she is out there!) will make you feel all the positive things this woman does, without the lying and cheating. Your current partner clearly isn't that person. I'd suggest counseling but for the fact you can't "counsel" her into rethinking her stated preference for men. This is always going to be a wedge and an irritant in whatever relationship you are able to maintain with her. In your shoes, I would cut my losses and start the process of moving on.
Hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (15 July 2016):
 My guess is she thinks that cheating with a guy isn't as "serious" as if she had been cheating with another woman. Kind of like how straight people seem to think that a woman cheating with another woman isn't as hard for a guy as if she cheated with another dude.
However, cheating is cheating. To me it seems like your relationship is quite toxic and that MAYBE you two have actually outgrown each other.
And maybe OP, you would work on that "being abusive" thing you got going on, I doubt it's a behavior you have totally stopped.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (15 July 2016):
 Being 16 isn't an excuse - lots of 16 year olds aren't abusive.
She's not the love of your life; you're not well-matched or she wouldn't lie all the time and you could trust each other. I'm sorry, OP, but you're prolonging the inevitable; it'll be hard, but your relationship is already over, so you might as well try couples counselling or start the divorce.
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A
female
reader, Stud1991 +, writes (15 July 2016):
Stud1991 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe were both abusive we were 16 years old we were kids so we did a lot of stuf that didn't need to be done to one another. We have been there for each other threw the worst of times. But what hurts the most is that she lies all the time always has. And yea your right I don't feel like I'm enough for her because every time she cheats it's with a guy. She is the love of my life I won't leave her but agine your right I will never trust her agine. She told me that she prefers men over women but loves me and needs me but won't let me lleace. Do you know how hard this is?
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (15 July 2016):
Judging from the way you treated her in the past and that you both have cheated on each other, I can't see this marriage lasting long term, my guess is that you will both forget how to trust each other and it will cause the end of the relationship.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (15 July 2016):
"I take all my blame I know it was not perfect but I did try to make her happy always" - no you didn't, OP; you can't try to make her happy always while being abusive. Being abusive isn't "it was not perfect"; it's *abusive* - horrible. I don't think you truly realise how massive it is.
I think the fact that you've both cheated on each other probably means you're not meant to be together - however, if you want to make this work (or try), no more lying to yourself about what your relationship has been like and get couples counselling together.
Good luck, OP.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (15 July 2016):
 What can you do except talk it through with her? What's done is done.
You need a dash of realism too. You can't be abusive or cheat on someone and then say that you have always tried to make her happy.
What presumably is worrying you is that you aren't enough for her; that she needs more than you have to offer. There may have even been an element of revenge in her unfaithfulness.
The question is can you now trust each other to stay monogamous, or otherwise can you live with an open arrangement which allows you a fling now and then?
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