A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Why does every man I'm with seem to prefer the typical porn star look to me . Without fail every man I've ever been involved with has sought out potn Witb womrn who are compeltely different to me , usually young and blonde and thin I'm pretty sure most of the men I'm with could not get girls that look like that as the men are closer to my age and just average joes so they settle for me . It's very disheartening. Seems they would never deliberately seek out a woman that looks anything like me for gheir sexual pleasure yet they atr happy to use me when what they desire is not available Does this mean that as a woman who doesn't look like the typical porn star , that I'm destined to a life of being second best or being single
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 May 2015):
 You wrote this in your update:
"To the person who mention that I have porn? I don't use porn and don't find it enticing not do I read to tamce novels . I have never been with a partner and fabtasised about someone else so I'm pretty sure I'm weird like that and maybe that's why I struggle with this so much "
Yes, I think that is exactly why you struggle with this so much. Because you don't understand it, so you add your own meaning to it, a meaning that isn't there. You are so adamant about a man watching porn because he wants the woman in the porn! You are so sure about this that you refuse to believe it isn't so. Because you yourself have never used porn or even had sexual fantasies, so I guess if YOU were to watch porn it'd only be if there was a person in it who you would have wanted to have sex with in real life?
But you're not a porn watcher, so couldn't it be that you do not know or understand why your boyfriend watches it? Could you perhaps agree with me there? Agree that you do not understand why?
Then the next step is to stop putting your own reasoning into his actions. He does not watch porn for the same reason you'd ever watch porn. He has other reasons. Reasons that are quite probably not the ones you imagine. A man does not watch porn because he wished to be with the woman in the porn. That assumption is just about as spot on as the assumption that a man watches porn because he wants to have sex with the man in the porn.
The more obvious reason why he watches porn is that he is turned on by watching other people have sex. Much like most of us get hungry when we watch a food show. And that has absolutely nothing to do with whom he finds prettier, or if he's settling for you, or if he finds you attractive or not.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2015): I am sorry but what are you trying to determine here? Most humans don't look like porn stars. Porn stars when they are washed and have no make up dont look like porn stars. What you see in movies it's staged, certain angle is picked and so on.
You are concentrated on being a second choice, not on a fact that a guy might love you and want you based on your personal and physical qualities that suits him. A guy might look at porns, but never wanting to be with a porn star. It doesn't call "settling" or " picking whatever is available. It calls falling on love with a certain person based on many factors.
Do you
Pick your guys based on only physics or something else need to be there for you?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2015): So is it unrealistic to want to be that dream woman for any man simply because I'm not young slim and blonde ? It sound like that's what people are saying
It's seems if I i looked differnet I would have a much better chance of being a mans ultimate . Yet when given a choice they NEVEr choose a woman who looks remotely like me
Some interesting answers but sadly they have all just confirmed that unless I look like a porn star I AM second best :( at least physically and there's not one arguement that doesn't support that
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 May 2015):
 Hehe. Freudian slip ? I meant obviously " FLAWED, imperfect me ".
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (6 May 2015):
You've got good advice alreday, but I want to try adding another angle.
You say you suspect that your exes settled for second best with you, and that if they could have " done better " they would.
Well, don't we all ? Including you ? Don't we all choose, but inside the range of what is realistically available to us ?
I'll try to explain. Bear with me. Suppose that my fairy godmother says :" With a wave of my magic wand, I'll let you have your ideal man. In fact, I'll create him for you ! Just order away ,the sky is the limit ".
Well, If I can have everything I want.. I 'd want someone very rich and generous who'd share with me a life in the lap of luxury. He should also be very handsome, impressively so,movie-star like. And elegant, I am from Europe , I notice this stuff. But also educated, very intelligent, a brilliant conversationalist with a great sense of humour, someone you can't ever have a dull moment with. But that's not enough, it's superficial stuff; I also want him to have a heart of gold, someone really sensitive and compassionate, a philantropist possibly. With a sunny ,easy going personality .And of course must be sensual, romantic and great in bed. Possibly an orphan and only child, so I do not have to deal with in laws : ).
Oh I forgot, I am into various arts, so if he was ALSO a talented painter or an accomplished pianist..
You see where I am getting to.
IRL, such treasure of a man, does not exist, and , if he did- you can bet he would not pick flawless, imperfect me.
IRL, I was content with ( but not " content " in the sense of " making do " , rather in the sense of " gratified, honoured, pleased " ) when I could have a relationship with someone at the top of my IRL possibilities : someone attractive, but not movie star like ; financially secure, but no millionnaire : a decent guy with good ethics and good personality- a "mensch"- but no saviour of humankind ; smart, but no Nobel Prize winner. Etc.etc.
The rest ... is all fantasy. It's the stuff you daydream about when you 've got time on your hands. You don't really/really/really WANT It. It's more a " wouldn't it be nice if I won the Lottery ". Tons of people do not win the lottery, yet they are perfectly happy , satisfied, gratified, you name it- if they get a salary which is enough to cover their real needs and real wants in their real life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2015): I read your second post. I think until you like yourself, nothing much we say will make any difference in how you feel.
You've convinced yourself you know how all men think, and they all think the same way about you. That is truly sad. It isn't true, but it is sad.
View that website Tishi-1 offered you. You have to see other women as other ordinary women. With makeup and enhancements, anyone can look better than average. As a guy, I know what is real and what isn't. I know what I can get, and I don't settle for anything less. I keep looking until I find what I really want. As do most men. You only know those you've dated. That's a limited number, and they were all your own selection.
Most guys go for want they want until they get it. You have your own opinions, and they stem from porn-envy. You should try dating men not so involved in porn. How many could you have dated anyway? It all boils down to the types you date, your own taste in men, and the choices you make. You blame men for your self-hatred, that has nothing to do with porn. You're the one making the comparisons.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2015): when I have seen the porn my partners have used the men have never been attractive only the women so I do understand why men wouldn't be comparing themselves to it
I havr never had a partner who liked porn with the women who were anything but young and slim although I admit only about 80 percent were blonde . So although I know there is variety out there I have always found men to be more than happy with that
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A
female
reader, LiveAnnLearn  +, writes (5 May 2015):
 Please don't get disheartened about it, I have a few reasons for why you shouldn't:
1 - porn is full of slim blondes, if they're just casual fans of it it's the kind they'll run onto most often
2 - just because they like slim blondes doesn't mean they like you any less, if you're different it doesn't mean that you're inferior, it's likely that they're not even thinking of making that kind of comparison, but you are
3 - looks are not the only thing that attracts us to someone, they like you for YOU and are certainly attracted to you
4 - don't you enjoy looking at fit, aesthetically pleasing men? it definitely doesn't mean you're any less attracted to a guy you're with
So don't over-think things and I hope you enjoy the relationship you're in if it's a good one :)
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (5 May 2015):
 I know that you are comparing yourself to the porn stars. It's what women do. The thing is that men as a rule don't compare themselves to the male porn stars. They are not taking it personally, they have no personal connection to the porn stars.
Here's a website that may help you look at things a bit differently: http://www.buzzfeed.com/ryanhatesthis/33-startling-photos-of-pornstars-with-and-without-their-make It's astonishing how 'ordinary' the porn stars are without makeup.
If you feel you are being treated as second best then you haven't found the right man yet. If they choose to spend time watching porn rather than be with you, that's a problem. How did you find out that all the men you have been with choose porn over you?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2015): Thanks for the answrs , some useful thoughts . I find it hard to imagine that he is with me because he knows what's differnet about me . After all the men usually ,Like I said don't even have the CHANCE to be with a woman like the ones they choose in porn . So it seems clear that they are limited in options to ordinary women, of which I am one . So it's not really a 'choose ' of being with an average woman for them . IM certain if there were ordinary women who look like porn stars interested in them , each and every single one would choose them over me . (Afterall , when it comes to what they visually want to use to masterbate That is their choice) To the person who mention that I have porn? I don't use porn and don't find it enticing not do I read to tamce novels . I have never been with a partner and fabtasised about someone else so I'm pretty sure I'm weird like that and maybe that's why I struggle with this so much
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2015): I think you are overly concerned about this. I have watched a bit of porn in my day, and I see women in porn come in many shapes, sizes, colors. Not all are young, blonde and thin!Look thru your nearest adult video store (or even on-demand TV) and I know you will find some that star busty, well endowed, brunettes of many nationalities, and other non-blondes.Don't forget that you are the "real thing" not just a two dimensional figure on a screen. Stop comparing yourself. Look in the mirror and tell yourself at least 10 things that you see there that are beautiful. Now repeat daily.The men who choose you surely like you more than others they could be with. Don't assume they are "settling" for you, or that could become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Love yourself so others can too. Stop obsessing over porn.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (5 May 2015):
 Have you considered that he DOESN'T choose women who looks like you because HE doesn't want to "degrade" you? For some men they want their partner/spouse to be this "Madonna" type but they LIKE to watch "sleazy" porn stars when it comes to porn.
While your man may not OGLE you like he does a woman in porn it may not be because he doesn't FANCY you, it might be a weird form of respect.
YOU are the one comparing yourself, not him.
I think even If he sought out porn with women that looks like you, you would STILL think he isn't content.
I think the problem is with the PORN not what "type" of woman he is watching. And if that is the case, I'd stop dating men who are THAT much into porn.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2015): Then maybe consider through logical deduction, that they like what's different about you.
You're not some sleazy-female earning her income by allowing anonymous-strangers to gawk at her naked body, while they masturbate.
If they can't get girls who look like the women in the porn; then they can't be that much of a perfect specimen of humanity themselves. Now can they?
Look back in retrospect. Take a good look at the men you're referring to. Maybe you've been short-changing yourself the whole time. Thinking they are the best you can do. Nobody can reset your mind; and make you see yourself for what you're worth. That's up to you! No matter how many answers you receive on this site; or how many people you pay with a professional-license to tell you that.
Consider dating a better quality of men. Do whatever it takes to find yourself one. If it means dropping a couple of pounds, dressing a little nicer, fixing your hair, and mostly knowing how valuable and naturally-beautiful you are in your own right. If you choose not to do a damned thing to change yourself. We can post you responses forever; but no one will make you accept yourself for who you are. You base your entire value on the opinions of men, and you need their validation. You don't like yourself and how you look. What kind of advice would you be looking for, if you look the way nature designed you to look? Your problem is internal, how YOU perceive yourself. Don't blame men!
You watch TV and see movies all the time. People displayed on ads and in entertainment; all look better than people in reality. They are made-up, cherry-picked through cattle-calls, have plastic-surgeons on retainer, get special lighting and camera-angles, pay personal-trainers and nutritionists (or live in a gym several days a week), and devote huge amounts of cash to trying to stay young and perfect. They buy their boobs, hair, teeth, and butts. Nothings is real anymore. They are constantly under the microscope; where everyone can see their every flaw and imperfection. They are as superficial and phony as the media forces them to be. The women in porn hide who they are, or can't find decent men to love them. They have chosen to earn money by being exploited. The very men who purchase or view porn, only see them as an object. Not a person. Imagine all the slimy and disgusting men who view them!
Stop comparing yourself to fake characters in pornography; or the disgusting sexually-exploitative portrayals of human beings created for sexual-entertainment. They are designed for what they do. If you want to be exploited and disrespected like they are, all you have to do is make yourself look like that. You will be treated a lot less respectfully than you are now.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (5 May 2015):
Uh, you're the one doing the comparison here, not the dudes you're with.
Yes, I believe it is so that those who lack confidence will always feel inferior to others. Which is what you're experiencing. If it wasn't women in porn I am sure you'd find something else a man did that would make you feel inferior to other women.
Truth be told, a man isn't going to be with you if he's not attracted to you. Why you choose to dismiss that and say things like "well he couldn't get what he REALLY desired, so he's settling for me"... that sort of thinking is YOUR doing. You're not inside the mans head, you couldn't possibly know, and all things considered I genuinely have never met a man who stayed in a relationship with a woman if he didn't like to be in said relationship.
Personally I have never even considered what the women in my mens porn look like, as I have my own porn to occupy me. Don't tell me you've never had your share of porn, and 50 shades IS porn, lol. I strongly doubt that all women who have read that book (or books) secretly want the male protagonist and are settling for their boyfriends/husbands just because they couldn't have him.
In's fantasy, woman. They watch it because they DONT want it in real life, for most part. What they actually do want is the sex, which is why they watch it. You don't watch porn because you want a relationship with the woman in it... You watch it because you want an easy fix to ejaculate. If all you want to do is be that quick fix in a man's life.. then yeah, you aren't it. But I do not see why that's such a negative thing.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (5 May 2015):
It is human nature to want what we cannot have or don't have, as you have stated.
To be honest...most men and women have no idea what they want, even if it smacks them in the face. Even if you gave the man a woman that looks exactly like the women in the porn movies, they would go looking for someone who looks completely opposite.
There is one thing we all need to learn and practice...To Be CONTENT.
I am sure you have your ideal man as well, and I bit he looks nothing like your partner. :)
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (5 May 2015):
 Porn is not a measure of human worth but a commercial business engaged in peddling sexual arousal by any means at their disposal. Men are particularly vulnerable to porn's marketing schemes and since most porn is free lot of gullible men hurl to it. So the fact that you don't look like those porn girls, does not mean that you are worth less but it means that you are likely not eligible to star in any such movies.
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