A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I was married for many years and my ex-husband, although he does not live with me, spends a lot of time at my home to help me with our son, 24, who has always had a number of mental health issues and now drinks heavily.I am so depressed with the situation as I work very hard in 3 professional jobs to keep my house and my son going. Both of them don't work, my son's anxieties are getting worse and my ex doesn't help because he encourages him to do very little. I believe my son could hold down some sort of job which would help his issues. He likes to go to the gym and manages to chat to the men there.Last night was my birthday. We were supposed to go to a restaurant and my son wouldn't walk with us, said he wanted to attack people and started screaming at us. I walked away upset. We all eventually made our way home, after no food, then my son felt better. I was devastated.They're both lying in bed now and I'm working hard again, preparing for work this week. I'm seriously considering leaving them both and moving closer to what's left of my family in another place. I just want to disappear. I feel my job and home are starting to suffer as I can't concentrate and I have no heart. There's also no one to speak to about this situation. Any practical suggestions, please?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (6 June 2016):
 Your son drinks. YOu are therefore welcome to attend
Al-anon meetings and should do so.
Al-anon will teach you that taking care of yourself is your job not fixing broken adults even if you gave birth to them.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2016): Wise old owl is correct she is not abandon her son she needs to set him up with social services and let them deal with it.her ex should be working instead of being a sponge.do not enable these deadbeats anymore you are only crippling them.move out you know they will not.quit one or more of those extra jobs and finally live your life for you.and I am a mom and sometimes being a mom means doing the right thing such as stoping this enabling
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2016): Wiseowl, I disagree. A parent is always a parent no matter how old their child is, and the parent should be extra supportive if their child has a disability and/or mental illness. I know. I am 32 years old, and I have Aspergers Syndrome and mental health problems.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2016): You have done your best, you are not responsible for looking after your son anymore. Like someone else said if he can go to the gym and talk to his friends then yes he can work part time. My son was exactly the same until he moved out on his own and he has changed a lot now. He takes responsibility for himself now. We do them no favours keep catering to their needs they need to learn to be independent and not rely on us for attention. He probably spoiled your birthday so he got the attention. I was like you drained and it affected my health, just because you're his mother it does not mean you are his servant. Like I said he needs to learn to become independent and stop his drinking, because that's also a depressant. You are enabling him putting up with it,
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male
reader, Garbo +, writes (5 June 2016):
 "my son wouldn't walk with us, said he wanted to attack people and started screaming at us."
You don't say if your son has these anger tantrums often, but if he does then look at the Intermittent Anger Disorder, and try to see if those symptoms match with what you see. I'm focusing on your son because as a mother, you should provide lifelong care and love for him.
Also, look into the work by doctors Amy Holmes and William Walsh who have homeopathic approach to these tantrum issues. These should be done along with medical approach that the GP provides.
It is apparent that your experience last night was like the "last straw" in your life and that you feel just running away from everyone. Mental disorders are tough but whatever you decide about your husband, you still have an obligation to your son. He is your body. Incest time in him, focus your life on getting help for him, and look beyond just what doctors say.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2016): Your son is twenty-four and manages to do the things he wants to do; unfortunately, that doesn't include holding down a job. I suggest you go to social services and determine what services are available to help the mentally-ill, and set him up for an appointment. Leave it up to him, and your ex, to get himself there.
Next, find yourself a safe and comfortable place to live away from these two. Your job is done. You have raised your son to adulthood. Unless he is under professional treatment; you really don't know how much is attributed to mental-illness, and how much is an act to manipulate you. You've blindly served and have taken care of two lazy bums without even considering the fact you are being used.
They will survive without you. Everyone has tools of survival, or we will develop them on the spot as necessity dictates. They may have to struggle, but from struggle comes wisdom; and lessons to teach us how to live and survive.
They haven't been left with the challenge; because you enable the worst in both of them. Your loving-care lost its value long ago. Mainly because you took on more than you were really responsible for.
You have crossed over the line into being foolish. If you give until you seriously hurt yourself, your quality of life starts to fall apart and deteriorate; then you are not being loving. You're playing God. You can't fix everything, you can't change the world for other people, and you have to allow your son to grow-up. You shouldn't even have your ex in your house unemployed and doing nothing. He's a free-loader. Excuse me, but your son goes to the gym to look fit and maintain? That takes training, commitment, discipline, and hard work. Well, so does a job!
You've appointed yourself as his life-long guardian and caretaker. No one can fulfill such a position. It's impossible.
You should expect something good in return from those you love and care for. "You don't know what you've got until it's gone;" as the song goes. They should appreciate you by rewarding you with love and affection; and they should support and care for you as well. It's all one-sided, and you're allowing your son's mental-health to rule your life. That is not expected of a mother. That's why there are doctors, employment, and other services to help people to survive. You cannot do it alone! Repeat...you cannot do it alone!
You will always be his mother, you do not have to be his financial-support for the rest of his life. He is not your curse, you made it so. You are a loving care-giver, who has lost her soul to two soul-sucking leeches. They are draining your spirit, and you're collapsing from the pressure. That is not what a good mother and woman deserves.
Time for sweet loving mama to pack her things, buy a one-way ticket, blow a few kisses, walk out that door; and live-out your life in comfort. Park your heart and mind in the stress-free zone. Give your love where it is appreciated.
My dear woman, as I said, your job is done! Now it is time to take care of YOU!
You have inspired me, reminded me what a good mother is; and how some people can give and sacrifice so much, in the name of love. However; I now give you my blessing to live out life in peace, harmony, and sanity. Move out! Sell the house, and put the money in an account, or your retirement fund.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (5 June 2016):
 If my son was like this at 24 (he's 10 now), I would lay down the boundaries and tell him that he has a few options. I don't know how much disability pays but in Canada it would be like 400$ a month. He has to stop using that for alcohol. That 400$ has to go towards rent and food. Option 2 is he has to work. If he chooses to spend his wages on alcohol then at least that's less of a burden on you. He has his freedom to spend his hard earned money however he wants. Option 3 is when he wouldn't listen then you would have no choice but to live away from him, and let your ex husband deal with him. That could force your ex husband to get a job since apparently he has no issues stopping him. I think there is a difference between laziness and mental illness. The government only recognizes a physical inability as a reason not to work. They assume if someone's on medication, that makes them normal again. Reality doesn't work like that. There's no medication that motivates someone to work, ever. They don't consider laziness or anxiety a hindrance to work. I myself believe that not willing to work is more of a mental illness than laziness. The only way that your son can continue this lifestyle and not burden someone is for him to find a rich, lonely woman to take care of him. If he's very handsome that would help. Since you are stretching yourself so thin you can't support this lifestyle. The stress would get to you so much that one day you can't take care of him anymore.
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female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (5 June 2016):
 Wow. This is a very tough situation. First off, I commend you for being such a hard-working mother and caring for your son. At 24 years old though, he needs to make more effort to be self-reliant. Is he on medication? Speaking with a psychiatrist? This can help so much! A cousin of mine takes a shot every two months I think to help with his mental disorder since he kept forgetting to take them and would suffer depression, delusions and severe anxieties. It took some time to adjust since it didn't feel "natural" to him at first and the dosage had to be adjusted but finally, it got better. At 26, he is now in an engineering program and making good grades. It wasn't easy (and still isn't sometimes) but the progress is worth it.
Your son needs to develop some independence. God forbid but what happens when you and your husband are no longer there? How will he get by? He does need a job! If he enjoys fitness so much, why can't he start there? Become a fitness attendant? That job is minor and involves setting up the gym. Then, he could progress to other things little by little. He cannot be babied forever. You love him and want the best for him but even though "a mother's job is never over" it can't be at the cost of your own health and sanity because you are obviously suffering.
Have you spoken to your ex in-depth about this? You are no longer married, true but you have to be a team in order to get your son where he needs to be. Let him know that this situation is taken a huge toll on you. Ask him what he thinks will happen to your son if both of you were gone tomorrow. Who will baby and enable him then?
You've been strong for them all this time, and it's perfectly natural to think about yourself as well-Who else is? There are programs and support groups that can help. If your son has a psychiatrist, try asking him/her for advice on how to steer your son towards self-reliance. This cannot continue. It's not healthy for you or your family. If no effort is made on their part, then you might just have to walk away. Working three jobs and supporting a grown adult will only drain you and deprive you of a healthy life.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (5 June 2016):
 Does your some receive any medical help? Alcohol is rarely a good idea for someone dealing with mental issues.
Does he have a case-worker? Is he receiving any kind of benefits?
If you think he is capable of a part-time job - what would that be? And if he has a case-worker maybe that will be the next step to sort out.
Or have you considered a group home for your son? With other youths who has similar problems and a part-time/full time staff?
Having to keep 3 jobs to keep a house and a young man seems like you REALLY give it all you got. But maybe you need to down size the house? And seek some help for him.
And I think you need to have a serious talk with your husband as well. He needs to pitch in more and give YOU some breaks.
My advice though is start with your son's doctor, see what is available and go from there.
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