A
female
age
51-59,
*onfusionsinksin
writes:Hi thereI have been dating a man who is 42 years old for 10 months. I am 37. The relationship started as mainly sex. Since then it has developed into more. Each time we see each other we have a great time. He is loving, attentive and fun for that date. As soon as the date ends, he reverts into a distant man (ignores me, rude, etc). I have tried to talk to him about it but he merely gets mad. Honestly, he as soon as we have a conversation about emotion, he switches not necessarily the topic, but takes it out of context. I have thought about leaving before and he pulls me back each time. I want to elevate our relationship but he just keeps backing off. A few months ago he told me to give him time because he needs to sort stuff out. He said he needs to figure out why he is the way he is and why he cant commit. This has recently turned into a "break". I tried to ask him if he needs the break because he cares about me and is afraid or if he just doesnt see a future with me. Him being the emotion conversation avoider...I cant get an answer. He gets defensive and deflects the question each time.I am just confused as to whats going on. Is he acting normal??? Is he commitment phobic...do I just have patience? Do I leave? I dont know what to do.Any insight or advice would be great!Lori Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2009): I'm surprised no one else has commented on this:
He is loving, attentive and fun for that date. As soon as the date ends, he reverts into a distant man (ignores me, rude, etc).
Are you saying this in a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde kind of way?
I find it disturbing. Is he trying to control you too?
Are you giving him the idea that you may leave him at the end of a meeting?
If he's rude now what about later?
A
female
reader, LoveGoddess  +, writes (16 September 2009):
I recently had this dilemma. A good friend gave me some good advice and I will share it with you. If you are really into this guy, you need to pull back. The more insistent that you are about sharing feelings, talking, etc., the more he will pull back. When I say you should pull back, I mean that you should not be so available to him. Don't answer all of his calls immediately, don't be available every time he calls. Make plans with your friends, maintain your friendships and have fun. The moment that you are not as available, he will come around.
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A
female
reader, confusionsinksin +, writes (16 September 2009):
confusionsinksin is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Manya...I checked out that book online and read an excerpt. I am definitely going to try and find it in a bookstore. It looks like it is hard to find but looks like it is well worth the search.L
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2009): I speak from a 60-year old point of view--just so you will know.
You are pushing him too hard. Women always want to talk about feelings and emotions. Men like to talk about business, football games, etc. They just aren't made like we are. Of course, there are exceptions.
Back off and give him space, or you will lose him. He keeps pulling you back is probably because he is just comfortable with you. If he is ever ready to commit, believe me, you will be the first to know.
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A
female
reader, Manya +, writes (16 September 2009):
I am familiar with this type. Have you ever heard of the book, "Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others?" I wish I could remember the author, will write again when I think of it. It talks a lot about men and women around the ages you are, and what it takes to get the relationship to go forward, and when the
man may be the kind who just cannot.
In your case, I think you should evaluate how YOU feel about this man. What does he do to "pull you back" each time? Do you really love him deep down?
The book says that most relationships 40ish age go forward into marriage via the WOMAN'S initiative, her making it seem that she definitely wants to be married TO HIM. Perhaps you are hesitant and he is reacting to that by being indecisive himself. Just an idea.
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