A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:HiI feel completely lost and don't know what to do. I've been with my boyfriend for a year. We have been living together and I recently found out that I'm pregnant (I am 8 weeks gone) and have decided to keep the baby. Me and my boyfriend don't get on anymore. We fight and argue on a daily basis. He has been physically violent with me on one occasion. He is on a reeeeally long waiting list for anger management and counselling which is taking months. I'm sick of waiting for him to be seen by someone. His GP prescribed him with antidepressant but I haven't noticed any changes in his mood yet. He already has 2 children to two previous relationships and is having trouble with them at the moment, meaning they are his main priority, meaning I am getting neglected. He seems to think my morning sickness is completely put on and I'm just being soft. I've tried to explain to him that I feel really really ill and it's all day, not just in the mornings and have asked him to help out a bit more around the house (which he huffs and puffs at). The thing that's making me want to stay with him is how positive he can be, saying he's looking forward to being a dad again, he can't wait to have a family with me and start a new chapter in his life... Then the next minute he goes back to the abuse. He doesn't appreciate me and the things I do. He used to make me feel special and now he makes me feel worthless. I feel like he is only nice to me when he wants sex. He will come over to me and give me a hug and in my mind I'm thinking "finally! A bit of affection!" Then he starts touching me inappropriately which makes me feel quite uncomfortable. I'm really upset because this pregnancy is supposed to be a happy time but instead I feel like I'm getting no support from him. He says I'm selfish because I ask for some support and affection. He calls me a "spoilt little girl" (I'm 23 he's 29) with a string of other names... He also got his ex (the mother of his youngest child) involved and I'm getting a load of abuse from her now too. All I want is to be happy, be looked after and have a kind and supportive boyfriend. Instead I'm finding myself crying on a daily basis. I don't know what to do :(
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2016): Dump this guy and fast. He has 2 kids with 2 baby mamas already who he isnt with, and now you are pregnant. Why did his previous relationships break up? I imagine because of his behaviour. Tell him to grow up, get a job and stop expecting the taxpayer to fund the consequences of his immature behaviour. I believe contraception is free in the UK. You need to see a pregnancy counsellor for advice going forward with the pregnancy. You dont deserve his abuse. Good luck
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2016): This guy is trouble, he will now have 3 kids by 3 women and not be with any of them. Tell him to get a job and use condoms in future. Now for you, are you sure you want this pregnancy to continue? I ask because this guy will cause you a lot of trouble whether you are together or not. He doesnt respect you, what business has his ex got insulting you? The abuse WILL get worse. Trust me, you need to leave now. It will be 100 times harder to leave with a baby. While you are online go get the help you need from organisations in your area. Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2016): You should find another place to live while you undergo your pregnancy. You are in a potentially dangerous environment, and your physical-safety is at risk. You do not think rationally; because you're trying to give him positive traits he does not possess. Violence and abuse over-shadow any good traits you may delude yourself to believe he has.
Like most abused and battered women, you try to find some molecule of goodness in a monster. A man who would raise his hand or voice to a women out of violence and abuse is a monster. No getting around it. I am very protective of children, women, and elderly people. I get riled when I read stories of abuse; considering all the love I've had around me growing-up as a child. Not until I actually witnessed it in the lives of other people did it even dawn on me that this isn't just something you see on a drama series on television. It's too real. I hate it, and will not stand for it in my presence; or allow it to occur in the lives of anyone I am aware of, or care for.
You have to remove yourself and find a safe-place. Be it with a relative or a friend willing to take you in. Then you have to seek a legal order of protection. Don't even think of kicking him out, that isn't going to happen. In fact, it's better for you to leave. It would be the first step in freeing yourself from the bondage of abuse. He is only a father biologically. He is not what father's are made of. So that crap about being happy to be a father is bullsh*t. If he is abusive to the mother, he will be abusive to the child. I strongly advise you to seek therapy for post-traumatic stress. You are a strong candidate for postpartum depression, or a miscarriage. I don't mean to frighten you. Yet, it is important to mention all probabilities and worst case scenarios; if you have been a victim of domestic violence. You want a healthy pregnancy, but you're not in an environment that will allow it.
The only remedy, is to get out. That isn't what you wanted to hear; but it is a fact until you come to terms with it.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (9 July 2016):
 You're in a very vulnerable position with a guy who has a poor track record of lack of commitment and "high" baby rates.
Don't wait for his therapy; it will take months for it to improve. He can still be a dad, but he is not safe for you to be around, so please leave him and move in with family or on your own.
You don't necessarily have to leave him for good, but you need to move out and take things slower, waiting for a severe improvement before you think about living with him again.
Now you need to focus on rallying your family around you, living separately to him and taking care of yourself. Do not stay with him, OP; it's not healthy or safe.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2016):
As a prospective mother your first priority is your child, and every child has the right to be born into a loving, stable, safe home.
Do you really want him/her to grow up in the same household with an abusive, controlling father?
And if not, do you have the financial and emotional stability to raise a child completely on your own? Even under the best circumstances (happily married, emotionally stable, and financially secure parents as well as a planned pregnancy) taking care of a baby is challenging, demanding, thankless, constant drudgery and hard work. You seem to be on the naive and unrealistic side and I wonder if you really understand the immense responsibility you are taking on under less-than-optimal conditions.
"The thing that's making me want to stay with him is how positive he can be, saying he's looking forward to being a dad again, he can't wait to have a family with me and start a new chapter in his life... "
He's telling you what you want to hear in order to keep you close and under his control. Don't you think he fed the same lines to his two previous baby mamas?
Sorry to be so harsh, but you've exercised extremely poor judgement in shacking up and becoming pregnant by this loser. You need to start making smarter life decisions. I would never advise anyone to abort a pregnancy but I do strongly suggest that you seriously consider the possibility of allowing your child to be adopted by two mature adults who are ready and prepared to assume the awesome responsibility of parenthood to give your child the best possible start in life.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  + ♥, writes (9 July 2016):
 What if he hits you when you are pregnant? What if he hits the child?? I lived with an abusive man..it starts slowly and escalates. The day I came home from work and was walking up the street and heard him screaming at our 18 month old baby was the day I left. He had already hit me..and I knew he'd hit her.
You know what you need to do sweetie. You're just afraid, I totally get it. I walked away from a 2 year marriage when I was just 21 with an 18 month old because I was afraid of what would happen if I stayed. I advise you to do the same. Walk away before something really bad happens.
Please turn to your family if at all possible, but get out!
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (9 July 2016):
You should look after yourself, not be looked after by a boyfriend, though I don't think you meant completely?
You need to leave. He can still be a dad, but having two children by two women should have shown you that you needed to be more careful to avoid a pregnancy so soon. Now that you're in this situation, you need to leave him and rally support from family and friends. If you're going to keep this baby, an abusive dad living at home is not okay. Until he gets the help he needs and his anger management improves, you can't be around that and neither can your baby.
You moved in too soon, got pregnant too soon and now you need to make the hard decision to do what's best for you and your unborn child.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 July 2016):
 No, you know what to do. Maybe you don't like the idea of doing it , but I bet you know what you've got to do . You need to leave him.
"He has been physically violent with me on one occasion" .
That was one time too many.
Did it happen when you were pregnant ?
In this case you have no excuse whatsoever for dillydalling.
If you want to risk your health and safety by putting up with a violent man, I suppose you have the right to do it, as utterly foolish as it is.
But you do not have the right to endanger the life of another human being. Although unborn. You decided to carry on the pregnancy and keep this baby ? Then, keep it but keep it SAFE.
Even if he does not hit you ever again ( which you cannot take for granted ) he is being verbally abusive, and causing you stress and upset, which is negative for the baby. You should have the calmest, quietest pregnancy that's possible and you are not doing that because you choose to stay with someone that involves you in fights and arguments every day.
Btw : he keeps dangling under your nose the lure of the happy family that you are going to have - but he went through this twice, right ? He has two kids already , so maybe the other two times too the idea was to be a family, and start a new chapter... only, it did not really
" take" , did it ? I mean, with his track record you cannot take his desire for a new child as an iron clad guarantee of stability and committment (....then again, why should you want to committ to abuse and arguments and fights every day ? )
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (9 July 2016):
 Short and simple, leave this man. He's abused you once and you never know if it's likely to happen again and sounds like he's the spoilt little kid with name calling and getting his ex involved.
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