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Each time I nearly had sex I pulled back .... now we have split up!

Tagged as: Big Questions, Breaking up, Dating, Sex, The ex-factor, Troubled relationships, Virginity<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 August 2017) 7 Answers - (Newest, 13 August 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 22-25, anonymous writes:

Hi,

Me and my now ex boyfriend broke up and it was a very hard decision for us to make because we love each other very much...We met about four months ago at work and we've been together for a month and a half before our break up. Everything was going great, we have so much in common and even though it might seem fast we've developed an amazing connection and very strong feelings for one another. The reason for our break up was my inability to have sex with him...We've been very physical from the very beginning but it was rather one sided throughout. He is four years older and has a lot of experience with relationships and sex. I'm still a virgin and I found it very hard to be able to just jump straight into it. I've been seriously hurt in the past by someone who I loved very much but he made me very conscious effort to make me feel guilty about me still being a virgin and not being able to fulfil his idea of having sex with me that he was expecting.

My ex boyfriend never made me feel guilty about my situation telling me on numerous occasions that he respects me and loves me not matter what yet he still decided to end things. He said that he doesn't want to pressure me into anything I don't want to do and he doesn't want to hurt me by asking me when I'll be ready. He also said that we can't continue having this relationship right now because he wants us to make love because we love each other he just didn't feel like I felt the same because when things went too far and we almost have sex I shut down and leave him hanging. I feel absolutely horrible that he thinks that because there is nothing I want more than to be with him and have a healthy sexual relationship with him. I'm very attracted to him and he to me...He does however feel that he can't control himself around me and that he just wants all of me and wants me to be passionate with him because he is with me. I admit to be a little bit selfish in that when he used to do things to me I was fine with it but I was giving nothing in return and not engaging in the situation...I don't know what's wrong with me I feel hopeless.

He said that it's better to take a step back and reevaluate our situation and not wait until it might be too late if we stayed together like that. I want to get whatever help I could receive because I want to get back together with him. He assured me that we will still see each other and talk regularly and that he wants us to eventually get back together...What do you think about this and what can I do? Help x

View related questions: at work, broke up, get back together, split up, still a virgin

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (13 August 2017):

YouWish agony auntHe was pressuring you for sex alright, both in talking about it and then in trying to get hot and heavy to get you to "lose control". He decided you weren't worth his time, and the truth is, he wasn't worth your virginity in the first place.

One thing you need to do is start ASKING yourself some questions about what your sexuality or virginity means to you. Are you, like my husband, wanting to wait until marriage?? If that is the case, then you need to be upfront about it, like first or second date upfront. I had to wait because my husband wanted to. That was not easy, but it wasn't vague!

Another thing -- if it's not that you're saving yourself until marriage, then under what conditions are you wishing to lose your virginity at?? Is it when you feel in love with a guy? Is it the 6th month? Is it like in 40-year old virgin where it was 20 dates? You need to decide this.

Another thing - you said this: "I feel absolutely horrible that he thinks that because there is nothing I want more than to be with him and have a healthy sexual relationship with him."

That's not true, is it?? That's a mixed message, and your boyfriend also left because you were frustrating him. If you aren't ready to have sex with someone, then DON"T GET PHYSICAL with him! Don't go lying down, making out, finding some dark place, roaming hands, flying clothes, none of that!

And -- you also said: "I admit to be a little bit selfish in that when he used to do things to me I was fine with it but I was giving nothing in return and not engaging in the situation...I don't know what's wrong with me I feel hopeless."

Why were you giving nothing or engaging if you weren't deeply attracted to him and wanting to be with him sexually? It's fear that's got you, and you need to DEAL with that fear before it sabotages ALL of your relationships.

I'm not saying that because you wouldn't have sex after being with someone for a month and a half. That's understandable given that you're a virgin, and this guy was pressuring you! It wasn't like you were together for a year while you ran hot and cold on him.

But you're in your mid-20's, and it's not just this guy. FEAR has kept you a virgin, which isn't fair to you or anyone. If it's the fear of physical pain, you can have a doctor painlessly take care of your hymen (if you didn't already have it gone in your childhood from something as innocuous as horseback riding), so you don't have to worry about it! If you are worried that you'll give it to the wrong person, THERE IS NO WRONG PERSON. You decide under which parameters you want to lose it (i.e. at marriage, or at the 6-month, or after a formal declaration of love and exclusivity, etc).

Never give mixed signals. Be upfront with your sexual values. And don't ever let physicality be one-sided, because that's not love, even if intercourse isn't happening.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (12 August 2017):

chigirl agony auntBleh, you know what? This guy, he isn't all that. I know, I know. You are in love! Of course you kiss the ground he walks on and think he's the sun and the moon and all the stars. That's not true, though. That's just the chemicals in your brain tricking you into thinking he's mr. amazing. But lets look at the facts here. You were together for just a month and a half, and he broke up with you because you didn't have sex with him yet. I say YET, because you didn't tell him you are waiting until marriage. You just weren't ready. And that's fair! You barely know the guy! And yet he's supposedly so in love, he can't wait a few months?

Then really, he wasn't in love with you at all. He was just eager to get into your pants. Trust me on this one. He was not in love with you!!! Look, if you were dating a virgin and you really loved him, would you have pressured him for sex and then DUMPED him if he didn't have sex with you in just a month and a half?

I'm also a sexually experience woman, and I dated a virgin man once. I was head over heels in love with him, and I would have waited oh however long for him. If he told me I'd have to wait YEARS from him, I would. Because I loved him, I adored him, I kissed the ground the walked on. I wanted nothing else but his happiness and for him to be relaxed, comfortable, and for us to have sex whenever he felt ready and not sooner. Waiting for him WAS NOT DIFFICULT at all.

He was a virgin until he was 26 years old BY CHOICE, mind you. Not for a lack of opportunity. But he had a hard time getting close to someone and feeling at ease with them, especially sexually, so he'd been avoiding relationships up until then. Even with all the women who basically threw themselves at him, so trust me, he had opportunities to have sex and it wasn't like he was desperate to have sex. Even when we just started dating a girl at a party dragged him into the bathroom and took her bra off in front of him, before he had time to get out, haha. Just saying. He was very handsome.

Anyway, I would have waited however long it took, no problem. So I'm telling you, this guy here, GOOD RIDDANCE.

Don't take him back. I think he broke up with you because he wanted sex, and then someone else came along that he could have sex with so he's already seeing them and just keeping it hidden from you in case you change your mind about him, so he can go back and get a notch on his bedpost.

No, do not go back. He had his chance with you, and he blew it. Good riddance. Dry your tears and walk away, you dodged a bullet.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (11 August 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI absolutely agree with Auntie Cindy,

He is filling you with BS. He wants a relationship that includes sex, nothing strange in that. But he didn't break up because he cares OH so extra deeply for you. He ended it because you are just not ready for the same PHYSICAL level of intimacy that he wants. And that is OK, he should just have been honest about it not laid it on so thickly that you think he did you a great honor.

By telling you "we can date later" he means when you are ready to drop your knickers until then, HE will go play the field with other women. The whole I did it so I won't pressure you... but when you are ready we can start back up it IS a form of pressure. To make you regret not going all the way and to do it (even without being ready) just so you can keep him.

While it IS good that he ended it. A guy who can't wait for a girl to be ready shouldn't be dating her.

Sex is important for most people in relationships but respect and trust are MORE important.

You didn't lose out on some magical "knight", OP

I also would just AVOID being in places and situations where you get to AMLOST intercourse with a partner IF you are not ready for it. don't PUT yourself in a position where you are NOT fully in control. And it makes it easier on your partner too to not be frustrated with you. (not saying it's YOUR fault he got blue balls - that is on him) but YOU need to stick to date in public and dates that don't involve being in a bedroom or on a couch.

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A male reader, Riot2017 Mexico + , writes (11 August 2017):

Many relationships break up when one partner is not ready to have sex.

On my relationship with my GF, I waited more than a year to have sex with her, but that didn't stopped us from making out passionately.

It's important for him to have sex with you now, and it's important for you to keep your virginity for now, so I think you should move on for now until you are fully ready.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (11 August 2017):

CindyCares agony aunt Don't sweat it. Do go and seek professional help if you think that you may have mental or physical blocks which make sex scary / dirty / unappealing for you in general, but not just to sort yourself out in order to make yourself apt to service this bozo.

Look, you can gild it and romanticize it as you wish, but the long and the short of it is that you did not put out and he vanished. He wanted to get laid and when he saw he was not getting any by the 6th week- he was gone.

6 weeks ? I think even the most callous player would have the patience to wait more than that for a virgin to feel a bit more confident and comfortable- and for a guy who had been really in love that would not even had been an issue, he would have stuck around as long as necessary.

Now I am not demonizing the guy, I can see where he is coming from. He is not even wrong, per se. Normally a relationship is both physical and emotional, they are just like front and back of the same sheet of paper , and I am not surprised that anybody, and particularly a young person, may prefer to get both.

But I have an issue with him bullshitting you with all the lovey dovey stuff and the connection and the deep feelings ...he makes it sound as if he dumped you because he loves you too much ! Bleah. I am gagging. The opposite is true, that if he had had a smidgeon of emotional attachment , he would had found in himself the strength to keep his hormons in check and the patience for taking you " there " slowly, gently, tenderly, step by step, according to YOUR time.

You too, though, ... are nearly as bad as him :) One and a half month of dating and you love him very much and you have developed all these amazing deep feelings .... No you don't. Your feelings may be strong, but they aren't deep , and they are not based on anything real, true and tried, since basically you barely know the guy. They are based on your romantic , infatuated perception of him- who alreday revealed himself for much less of the knight in shining arnoir that you made him out to be.

Be a virgin as long as you want , there's no rush for thus type of things,- but in the meantime- mature a bit. Get wise and get real. Take things slow, let feelings time to "take" and grow roots, and learn to trust actions, nor words . Talk is cheap and Iloveyous are a dime a dozen. True love sticks around. Virgin or not.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (11 August 2017):

N91 agony auntI agree with what's been said.

You and this guy aren't in love after 45 days, that's ridiculous to even say. If he finishes with you because you won't have sex with him then surely that raises a red flag that's all he's after?

'Maybe we can get together in future' Bascislly translates to: 'Come back when you're ready to have sex'.

You wouldn't feel this way about someone that you truly wanted to have sex with, believe me. Your body is doing you a massive favour in telling you this guy is not the one.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (11 August 2017):

What can you do? You can put this guy in the trash can where he belongs and thank your gut instinct that it protected you from having sex with him. If he dumped you after just 6 weeks because you were not ready to have sex with him, then sweetheart, he is so not worth your tears.

If you got into a relationship with him and, say, in the future had children, would he dump you if you got post natal depression and didn't want sex for a while? Would he dump you if you didn't fancy sex while you were pregnant? If he can't wait 6 weeks, then you really are better off without him.

I believe women and men differ fundamentally in how they view sex. Women need to feel loved to want sex, whereas men need sex to feel loved. When you find someone who makes you feel truly loved, your body will probably respond to them. Don't beat yourself up over this guy.

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