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During sex he got too rough and wouldn't stop! I love him but this has me hurt and confused..what should I do?

Tagged as: Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 January 2007) 20 Answers - (Newest, 19 April 2012)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

well last night i went to the pub, with my boyfriend and our 2 mates. we were all having a good laugh and drinking. and me and paul* were pretty horny, so when we got home we had sex. bout an hour after we did it again. and for some reason it kinda hurt. and he kept going faster and faster and i asked him to stop and we wouldnt and i was being quite loud, so he put his hand over my mouth and i accidently bit down on his finger really hard, he got angry and fingerd me really really hard, and bit my boob, and then pushed me off the bed, i ran off to the toilet crying, and i was bleeding a bit. he came after me and sat down and was apologsin and i told him how much it hurt, and that i felt really uncomftable because he was talking about what he had done with one of his exs and i just felt like i was being used. and he stomped off after i told him this and went to bed

i came back into bed, and i laid down and he put his arms around me and squeezed me tight and said he was really really sorry and i didnt want him to touch me. now i feel sore and confused. i still love him with all my heart but i just dont understand why he got like this, he had a few drinks, but he has done in the past too, this was the first time his ever done this. :(

View related questions: his ex, horny

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A female reader, klingon United States +, writes (19 April 2012):

so sorry for what your boyfriend did to you. dont think there is much help for someone with Animal behavior. know that you are better than that. things got really inhuman when he slapped you and used his fingers to assault you. I am certain he used his strong arm which probably came with more force than his penis. Hugging you right now.

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A female reader, missm83 United States +, writes (23 January 2011):

missm83 agony auntthe fact that he didnt stop when you asked him is what gets me worried.... me and my boyfriend have rough sex...in the begining he was gentle, but i was the one that always said harder, or bite me nipples, slap my ass..even my face..i got so comfortable wirth him i even told him to "choke' me a little... he does the same thing..he puts his hand over my mouth when i scream but he knows that i like it...and one time it did hurt little to much and i said it hurts out loud..he stoped and wanted to make sure i was ok...to me it seemed like your bf didnt know or couldnt stop himself and that's a badddd thing. did you talk about it after words like the next day? if you cant feel safe wile making love to your bf i think you need to end it..if he dosnt stop during sex what if he hits you just out of nowhere?? Ether he needs to get help or walk away ..

Goodluck! let us know how you doing..

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A female reader, Julscc09 United Kingdom +, writes (7 April 2010):

I'm sorry for what happened to you and even if they already (thank goodness)spit up, it still does matter.

It matters to call things what they are, in case a confused teenager happens to stumble upon this page.

That was not rough sex, it was sexual assault, pure and simple. She clearly said no, withdrew consent to the act and he forcefully abused her body. The OP has the right to press charges (even now) and she has the right not to.

Rape is not always the dark stranger in the alley, it comes in many forms and you can have whatever feeling you want about it.

But one thing has to be said, screamed out loud and reminded to everyone: sexually forcing yourself on another human being, after s/he said no it's a crime. It doesn't make you a "jerky boyfriend", it makes you a rapist.

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A male reader, little_buddha United States +, writes (4 August 2009):

It sounds like he was,( and perhaps you for a time?) getting carried away with having fun sex and tried something new. It went badly and he felt awful. I don't think it is rape, as it is so easy to analyze it after the fact. I think it was wait it was. You both responded after the fact appropriately. Forgive him, which will allow him to grow treat you with respect, and discuss what you learned from it. Maybe you both could turn this into something good by discussing it, trying to figure out what you both liked, when it went wrong and how you can build on the good so it doesn't go bad again.

The worse options are;

1) end a good relationship for a miscommunication in the bedroom (if these never happened we would all have easy, healthy sex lives as soon as we his puberty, right?)

2) hold it over his head allowing him to never trust you or himself again, which is the same result as above

3) make him afraid to try anything new in bed, you both need a healthy sex life where you can be comfortable to try new things and keep it interesting.

4) bring it to a level of being violent.

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A female reader, Fiona xxx United Kingdom +, writes (17 May 2008):

Fiona xxx agony auntHey,

Huggs hun!

I can see how this happened, and sex can be more vigorous after a drink or two. Vigorous, or something spontaneous is ok, if you want that too.

There is one thing feeling submissive, and the other if you feel it doesn't feel right.

Consensual sex should not make you blead!

A woman has the right to say "No" at any point before and even during sex. Perhaps it is easy to forget that when you have known eachother ages, and you associate a "No" with a first time. Perhaps that is what he thought and thought you didn't mind? Or where's the harm in doing something that turnes me on, is probably what he thought. Chances are he was acting in the moment and not thinking.

I am trying to see this situation from both sides. If something like that happened to me, I would think no big deal if I was just a bit sore, but you were bleading, so that seems crappy to me.

I cannot help but think that this is the beginning of the end of your relationship.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2007):

ok, im down with rough sex and everything, but this is just wrong. if your guy respected u, he immediately backs off if u say stop or if he sees ur in pain or uncomfortable. this guy has anger management issues becuase he lost his temper when u told him to stop. frustration is not an excuse and a "sorry baby" doesnt cut it. if i were you, id up n leave, this guy is bad news and Baby Girl is right, giving him chances is setting yourself up for dissapointment.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2007):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

doesnt matter anymore we split up

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2007):

According to her, he only did it once, and he's been drunk more than just that one time. To declare a person as a bad man and an abuser because of what he did that one time isn't quite accurate. She has choices to leave undoubtly, but everyone here is attacking him based on this one instance that he did something to hurt her. I mean, I understand he has done something bad, as mentioned in my previous post, but to declare a person 'evil' just because he did something questionable in one instance is a bit far fetched, at least through my eyes.

In my very limited lifetime, I have had the chance to meet and talk with quite a lot of people in person, through the net, and through letters. Now, I don't know anything about this guy or this girl who posted this issue. However, I can tell you that NOT ALL guys or ALL women who act on such non-consential sexual events are bad people. In fact, I have met a 'few' people whom did it once and found it emotionally disturbed to have cause that sort of pain, worked out their problems through OPEN COMMUNICATION as I always suggest, and things settled and got resolved through effort and time.

Now I also understand that NOT ALL people are genuine and NOT ALL people put in the effort, nor do people always communicate openly about their desires, emotions, etc. Like I said, we don't know who this man is. We ASSUME that he is a bad person based on these things. Until he is proven through a story arc that he is indeed an evil man disguised as a sincere lover, I continue my stance in this matter.

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A female reader, AskEve United Kingdom +, writes (1 February 2007):

AskEve agony auntI agree with what you're saying here martini but these fetishes (if played out) are usually consential, THAT'S the difference here, and there are "safe words" to use if things get out of hand. She didn't get the chance to decide! Even after her biting him "he fingered me very hard and bit my boob". Come on... the guy was bang out of order!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2007):

Hold on a sec everyone. I understand that this one instance of her boyfriend being rough in sex has caused some harm, and of course he deserves a good knee in the groin for doing that, BUT, what makes this guy really a bad person in the first place?

First of all, how long have they been together? Is this the ONLY time he has done this? He probably has sexual fetishes that are connected with stuff like this. It isn't abnormal and there are events and conventions for things of this nature - eg: whipping, handcuffing, biting, etc. Maybe when he was drunk, a part of his secret fetish came out.

So what then? Will he do this again? Has he ever been drunk before? When he was, was he rough on you when you two had sex? We can't assume that EVERY single man OR woman is an abuser if they do things that are out of the 'norm' in one instance.

So far, the way I see it is that everyone has only looked at this from one side.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2007):

Hi,

Can you read the signs for abusive behaviour under January 31st question "My boyfriend is trying to change who I am and control what I do". This sounds like an abusive behavior pattern - I 'd get myself far away from this guy.

Take care - X

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A female reader, Aunty Lin Malawi +, writes (31 January 2007):

The guy is an asshole, no matter how much FUN he was havin, if u were sayin no he shud hav listened.

Best thing to do is dump him, get rid of him coz no matter wat he says it'll happen again and this time he might not be able to stop!!

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A female reader, AskEve United Kingdom +, writes (30 January 2007):

AskEve agony auntHe was obviously enjoying it and was totally aroused, when you told him to stop he refused, for his own selfish gratification! There was NO WAY he was stopping until he'd had his way with you. You say he's never been as bad as this before with you but has he been rough with you before? It's a total "power" thing with him, he had you right where he wanted and was way too far gone (aroused) to stop when you told him too. WRONG WRONG WRONG!!!!! He should be putting YOU first when he makes love to you and not his selfish self!

Of course the arm went round you afterwards and all the apologies started spewing from his mouth. Let him know "if he EVER does this again with you then it's over." In a way he raped you, do you know that? You started off with him then told him to stop, he refused and took you forcefully and you could have him charged for that! Let him know he was on very rocky ground and if it ever happens again there will be no third chance!

I don't think drink had anything to do with this happening though, he wanted to cum and was damn making sure he did! My advice would be to kick him to the kerb so that he never has the chance to do that again to you but of course it's easier said than done when you love him like you say you do. Be very careful and don't let your heart rule your head. The next time (if there is one) you might not be so lucky.

Eve

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A female reader, TasteofIndia United States + , writes (29 January 2007):

TasteofIndia agony auntThere is NO excuse for what that douche bag did. I don't care if he was drunk. I don't care if he was horny! Screw him. If it's hurting you, and guy should have the decency to stop and take care of you, not treat you like an object for their weird kinks and fetishes.

Ugh. What a friggin' creep.

Time to leave him, sweetness. Time to leave him.

xxIndia

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2007):

hunnie this is what you call rape.... if you say stop and he doesnt then youre not consenting to sex...and by the sounds of it he knew he was wrong otherwise he wouldnt of had to apologise..

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A female reader, candicemarie88 United Kingdom +, writes (28 January 2007):

you told him sex was hurting and asked him to stop and he didn't!? i'm sorry but he has no respect at all for you, don't let a guy do this to you, he is using you, so get rid of him and find a nice guy who can make you feel special.. he is just too rough with you hun.

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A male reader, ady Syrian Arab Republic +, writes (28 January 2007):

ady agony aunthi what happend to you ,you were going with too much fun why you change every thing in this way .

i think both are made a mistake you and him; any way try to start again and forget this night and if this repeat again then there will be other Discussion.

hoping to get happy days;

best regard;

ady

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A female reader, Nikita United Kingdom +, writes (28 January 2007):

Nikita agony auntThere's no excuse for roughness during sex unless its mutual. Drink or no drink, he hurt you and he wouldnt stop and this is something that I think he gets off on. he should have stopped when you told him to but he didnt and I think you have to think about whether you want to be with someone who can hurt you like this yet profess to love you. There's no guarantee that he wont do this again. If you want to be with this guy that much then I would talk to him if i were you and tell him exactly how you feel and how much he hurt you but personally, I would end it. Good luck and take care okay x

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2007):

That would be the first and last time someone treated me that way in bed, if he is a mean drunk you don't want to have anything to do with him, you are very young and you don't need some guy using you like this, he does not love you, trust me.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2007):

Well i think that is completely out of order and you must know as well as everyone does that THE FIRST TIME IS NEVER THE LAST and if a boyfriend shows signs of being capable of something like that then get out of the relationship now. You might love him and he probably genuinely loves you too but that is not good enough, you need to get out now in all seriousness because it wont be the last time.

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