A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I try to keep this as short as possible. I am 21 and in my last year of college, hoping to graduate. It's my first year that I have the feeling that I am actually connecting to my classmates. Just a week ago, we went on a school trip for a week for one of our subjects. One of the goals was to get more in touch with culture and architecture of the cities we were visiting. In any case, there is this guy in class whom I find handsome, from the start of my first year. Mind you, I am in a long-term relationship which I am very happy with and I'm not intending to lose it.During our school trip, there were certain moments that me and this guy connected some more. (Before the trip, just the two of us organized a certain project, so it's not like he is a total stranger.) We had conversations about games, movies, music we like, his break-up with his girlfriend that happened a few days prior to the trip. I had a great time and I finally felt like I had a male friend. He even stayed up till 5 o clock in the morning just to talk with me in the lobby of our hotel. We were alone. His intention to stay with me, not mine.In the bar he also took the opportunity to talk with me and be a little flirty. Again, it was very late and we were the only ones left. my friend from class even said the day after: 'Hey, (...) came up to me and asked were you where because he wanted to tease you.'During the whole week we had many moments of social interaction and I'm glad that I could have conversations with another male without having awkwardness. He is a very spontanious and huggy person by nature, so he tends to hug people a lot. He knows I'm not a huggy person myself, but I expressed the feeling that I wouldn't mind a hug from him because I'm comfortable around him now... yet he didn't. Maybe because he knew my uncomfortable reactions from the past, or because he knew that I had been molested in the past. Maybe my comment scared him off... I really like to build a friendship with him, but this is what eventually hurt my feelings. All the girls in our class including me, are taken and have a boyfriend.But, when the class came back home and we said our goodbyes and were ready to depart....he hugged every girl of our class...except me! Why was I the exception while our friendship had such a boost during this week? He talks less to some girls in my class and yet he hugged them too!But why? I felt so hurt. What could have possibly been his thoughts? Did our long talks mean nothing and was it just a way to spend the time? Just because I was there?It may be such a small, meaningless story but if he gives hugs that easily...why not to me? Maybe someone with adult eyes can give me a solid answer have to deal with this petty problem. Thank you
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (2 December 2015):
 And just to add one more thing, what did your boyfriend suggest might be the school friend's problem when you mentioned this to him? Or is this something you haven't discussed with your boyfriend?
If not, why not?
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (2 December 2015):
You have a boyfriend. You've had some problems connecting with your classmates, and the one you wind up feeling something for is handsome. You throw in a very tiny mention that you were molested in the past and that he knows this.
So, from the outside, without knowing you or anything about you beyond these few black and white words on a computer screen, all I know is that you are having trouble connecting with people and that you have suffered trauma in the past, you used the word "molested."
You have put a great deal of weight on his hugging you at the end of the trip. You feel rejected.
I could see why you feel that way.
But from his perspective, what does he know about you? That you are a bit fragile. That you are not a huggy person. That you've been uncomfortable with that in the past and that... this is a big one... that you were molested in the past.
The last thing anyone who cared one iota about you would be to cause you harm or put you in an awkward place.
So I think he erred on the side of caution and decided not to hug you, as you seem emotionally fragile.
I can see why you might feel hurt but perhaps this is an opportunity for you to re-evaluate your presentation to and expectations of people.
I do hope that you were properly supported and counseled following the molestation. If not, it would be a good idea to deal with that now, so that you don't continue to deal with the aftermath of molestation.
Best wishes.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2015): You were taking his friendliness in the wrong way. He knows you have a boyfriend, and you shouldn't feel hurt. Unless you are feeling more than just "friendly."
Don't feel rejected, that isn't the case. He was showing you the proper respect for the fact you are not available, and you do care about your boyfriend. If he knows you like you said, he knows you care for your boyfriend; and maybe he's the decent kind of guy who knows the boundaries without having to be told. You may have mentioned your boyfriend many times over the course of conversation; and that kept him aware the whole time. That's a good thing.
My dear, the hug would have only sent you the wrong message after all the time you spent with him. Unintentionally and subconsciously; you were sending out the wrong signals. You even mentioned he got flirty. You know that isn't appropriate; if you are faithful and committed to someone.
He'll be just as friendly in class, but he will keep the proper distance. You should behave just as well, and not see any romantic-connection in the long talks and good conversation. You said male friend, but he picked up more than that. He's smart and a perceptive person. Just reading your post, so did I.
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