A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've got a pretty typical but still vexing problem... how do you deal with jealousy and boundaries when in a friends-with-benefits situation?I've been hanging out with the same guy, about two and a half months now. When we first started hanging out, he said he "wasn't ready" for a romantic relationship, but wanted to do friends-with-benefits. So since then, we've been hanging out once or twice a week, watching movies, playing video games, cuddling/making out, and having other random adventures.However, it's started to get a little weird. He's always been very communicative... at the minimum I hear from him at least once a day. Every single day, he either texts, calls (30-40 minute calls just to chat), or sends me a link on Facebook. Some days he does all three. He's introduced me to several of his friends, his best friend, and both of his parents (separately, even.) He often wants to hang out for the entire weekend, or wants me to stay the night, "just to cuddle."On the one hand, the attention is really nice, especially as I do like him. But on the other, it all feels very... couple-y. I try really hard to keep my feelings in check, as I know none of this concretely says "relationship," but sometimes the temptation is just too much.Here's the thing that's really been getting me. He has lots of female friends (his best friend is female; she and I get along great.) There's one particular friend who he hangs out once every few weeks. He'll spend hours at her place, just the two of them. Sometimes they hang out so late he crashes on her couch. He even does his laundry over there. He says he's not sleeping with anyone else, and that she and him do the same kind of things I and he do," except me and her have our clothes on." But it makes me super uncomfortable. I know I have no right to be jealous or suspicious, but I am. I try never to show it... I never ask questions about her, or what they do together. He supplies all of this information freely. He'll even call me on the way to her house/on the way home from her house, or text me while he's there," Great episode of TV show, me and her just finished it!" I want to tell him to stop telling me about her, stop telling me when he goes over to her house and how long he stays, and what they do together, and I especially want him to stop calling me before or after he hangs out with her. But I don't know how to tell him that without seeming jealous or "serious"... after all, friends-with-benefits is supposed to be casual and free of feelings. So how do I bring this up without seeming insecure? Do I even have the right to ask that he not do this, since we're not in a relationship?
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male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (2 February 2015):
Nothing good will ever come out of this FWB else it would happened already. I think you hope it will be something more than FWB because you choose to be on his good side by not being upfront about your jealousy. But let's be real, if you were dating him, his actions would not be ok with anyone. And someone who wants to commit will not talk about other girls while dating.
So my point is, even if you find a way to tell him, I don't see what more to expect from this. He basically has no boundaries as you are not setting any. If you are not ok with something, then why are you standing down from it. Someone who has respect for you, would not want a FWB with you in the first place.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (1 February 2015):
 I think you are "hanging" in there in hopes he will be "ready" for a relationship and start dating you. HE isn't. He is QUITE happy with how things are. He get the whole "girl friend experience" with you when HE wants it, the friend experience with the rest of his female friends.
You are basically wasting your time on this guy IF you REALLY are looking for a BF, not a friendly f-buddy.
The only boundaries you can set with a FWB is FOR yourself. If you feel jealous of this girl you DO feel more for him then you are letting on. Which means... you are fooling yourself if you think you are OK with JUST being FWB.
HE is telling you ALL about her, to SHOW you how EASILY it is to replace you, but also that you mean no more to him then SHE does. He might CLAIM they don't have sex (and they may or may not have sex) but you can't really tell him I don't want to hear about her.... unless you want to come across as jealous (because YOU ARE jealous).
Some FWB agree to not sleep with anyone else, but that isn't the norm.
FWB is a GUYS dream. HE can HAVE an ALMOST GF + sex on tap without the commitment and the seriousness of a relationship - why girls agree to this is beyond me. Specially when they DO become emotionally attached. It's a WASTE of time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2015): Get out of the FWB arrangement. You have caught real feelings for the guy; and you're just pretending to go along with the program to keep him around.
You're just a friend. He gets to taste the cookies without buying the bag. He can be with any woman he pleases. So go find yourself another guy. I talk about the things I do with one friend to another. They don't get jealous, unless it was an activity they felt left out of. Not for romantic reasons, but within the guidelines of friendship.
Friends with benefits means you don't commit. You just fool around when the mood hits you, and otherwise hangout like friends normally do. You can date others. Even get a girlfriend or boyfriend, and just fool around with each other from time to time. He knows no boundaries, because you're not in a relationship. He's always on the winning side of things, because he does things according to the FWB agreement. You are faking it.
Get out while your feelings are intact, and get yourself what you really want and need. You wrote a long post full of hidden emotion and infatuation; about this guy; because you've fallen in-love. You make believe he's more than an FWB. He's not reciprocating the same kind of feelings. He doesn't want you as a girlfriend.
If you want to set boundaries, set them for yourself.
There are no boundaries set by FWB's; or it would be a committed-relationship. If you don't know what that means, can't be happy in it; then get out of it.
He is not your boyfriend, but he is definitely a player.
He keeps a harem of females he can just go from one to the next, and keep fresh meat on the table. If you don't like hearing about her, withhold the sexual benefits and just be friends. Then what he does with other "friends" will not matter; because you'll go find a real boyfriend who is willing to commit to you, and not just keep you in his collection.
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