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age
30-35,
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writes: OK so right now i've been dating this lovely guy for around 5 months. And i dont want to lose him, but my issue is he is a very distant person. He is an introvert (and he admits this often) and well...im a very social and openly affectionate person. We are great when we are together, as in he is very cuddly and always wants me in his arms. Plus he has been incredibly supportive with my uni work, by helping me with film editing and building frames for my exhibition (i didnt even ask him to help!) But recently its been a bit of a challenge. I feel i keep getting angry at him for being so distant, for example i was so excited for a job interview, i revised so so much for it beforehand. Yet when i received the devastating news i didnt get the job...he was too busy reading comics to care...ignoring the fact id messaged him saying i was in tears. His reponse to asking why he didnt seem too phased about me being upset was on the basis that he has had a lot of job interviews which he didnt get, so thought nothing of my situation. Similarly whenever we meet up its because I have arranged it...his excuse there 'im not a planner'.I can't tell if im just being overly needy (as from previous relationships i was with suffocating men...and i fear i've adopted their expectations) I do really love and care for this man, i just dont know how to get him to try harder in the relationship. I've spoken to him several times...only to receive pure silence. I guess i just am open about feelings, how can i make this work? I need to stop being anxious also when i dont see him. (I guess that stems from one boy saying he was only with me to make me happy)... Please help, i dont want to lose him, but id like to be...well... feel wanted.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2015): [EDIT] "If we was so terrible, why are you so in-love with him?"
CORRECTION:
"If he is so terrible, why are you so in-love with him?"
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2015): Calm down. It has only been five months. You're adjusting to a new relationship and a different personality-type.
Never presume how another person should react to YOUR mishaps or disappointments.
They can be sympathetic, but they can also show less drama in their response; to demonstrate to you just how it should be handled. As he explained, he has missed getting a job he wanted; it's just how life goes. He knowingly, or unknowingly, set a good example. There will always be other; and even-better opportunities. He simply declined an invitation to your pity-party. He believes in you. He's allowing you to grow stronger by enduring the disappointment like woman, not a child. It was probably not even his intention; but it's still for your own good.
I've read a lot of posts from OP's concerned about the the lack of reaction to their tears and sorrow. Men don't react to all emotional-situations involving lady-tears; so we may not always respond in an empathetic way when you want us to. We are sympathetic, but we are expected to be strong and less emotional. Blame it on the double-standard and our nature. Draw from his strength, and be mature enough to access your own. You're a woman now. You'll face many disappointments before it's all over. Rejection runs high in the industry you've chosen. Prepare for it. You'll often face it all alone. Be tough! He'll need your shoulder to cry-on someday too! Then he'll realize how you feel! What goes around, comes around.
Stop trying to change him. You have no right to. You knew who he was and the type of man he is from the very start.
If he is incompatible to what you need, you'll have to let him go. If your list of complaints continues to grow; he will resolve all your issues with him, by self-elimination. He may dump you!
He didn't commit to you for a make-over. He is assuming you love him for who he is. What you've explained is very minor.
He isn't uncaring, he isn't rude, he isn't cold. If we was so terrible, why are you so in-love with him? You are, because in spite of his imperfections; he has traits that you appreciate. He appreciates you in his own awkward way.
You have to let him know, that you need/deserve his emotional-feedback in order not to feel like you're in a relationship all by yourself. Let him know that his distance is making you feel detached, and your commitment to him seems somewhat meaningless. Tell him directly, and in so many words. He understands through logic.
You think I'm being mean and taking his side, huh? Not really! I do get what you mean. I just had to cover both sides of the issue. He doesn't get to tell his side; so we have to look at this from both angles. Both yours, and his.
Be patient, because he is very young just like you are. He may be a very intellectual-person, and sometimes that makes him less responsive in an emotional-way. We men may use logic (not emotion) to analyze our way through any given situation. He may also be "immature" in many ways; and just not experienced enough in how he should respond to you when you need his emotional-support. So it's going to be a learning process back and forth, for both of you. He will start to realize this as your relationship grows and matures. He will also mature more as a man, and learn to react better to your feelings. You can coach him without too much criticism. You also have to take his overall personality into account. He is who he is.
If he is not what you need, then you have to decide if it is better to find someone else; rather than trying to change him. Changing him, as I said; is not your responsibility, nor do you have the right to. It would be more "logical" to find someone who is already what you want them to be. If he wants to keep you, and deserves you; he will change certain ways because he wants to please you. That's all you can expect from someone.
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