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Doesn't anyone date anymore?

Tagged as: Dating, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 June 2013) 17 Answers - (Newest, 12 June 2013)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I just became single again after 3 years relationship. Started going out and meeting lots of guys. We exchange phone numbers, then they call or text. Never with an invitation for a date. It's ussualy a little after we met: did you get home alright? And then texts very late at night with sex talk. I lazily answer, and then they stop.

I went out last week and met someone I really liked. The way he talked and was polite, he had nice smile and how he looked at me, I liked him. Again we exchanged phone numbers. Same scenario : he texted me next morning asking if I got home safe. Then weekend came, nothing. Monday, I receive text from him around midnight. There was a slightly sexual message from him. I asked him why he doesnt sleep, and he said he just got home from a bar party.

And then he said he would love to give me a massage. I answered, so does everyone else and wished him good night.

I don't expect every guy that takes my phone number ask me out, but really for the past 2 months at least 15 guys took it and NONE of them asked me out. Some don't call, but most do and it's always late at night and hints on sex.

I have an impression this is all they do:collect phone numbers from random girls, so when they get drunk text everybody to see if someone agrees to hook up. None dates anymore? Anyone actually say yes to these late drunken texts with sex offers?

Even this guy, he went to a bar party. It would make sense to me if he invited me hoping that after few drinks something would happen. But no, he went with his friends, got buzzed and texts me to see if I can accommodate him.

Also, it's not ony guys that I meet in bars. Some from gym, some are friends of friends.

View related questions: drunk, text

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2013):

So the last guy you liked that you had just met, while he was grabbing your number, you told him that you are available for him and suggested going to the beach. A guy you just met..

It is kinda what I suspected. You are acting too available, too fast. And to guys that often comes off as "easy to bed." That's just how guys are. You have to play more cool. If you meet a guy you like, certainly give him your number but let him make the plans. Don't tell him when you are and are not available. Wait till he calls and then when he asks you out tell him your availability and then make plans. Otherwise, guys see that as you being too available, maybe even desperate, so they don't take you seriously.

Keep him wondering, keep him on his toes and let him chase you. Just because you initially like someone you just met doesn't mean he might not turn out to be an a**hole, as you see. Giving him your number followed by a polite, "I hope to hear from you," is just enough information. Leave out your availability and making beach plans till he actually shows actual interest by calling you at a decent hour to ask you out.

And don't drop everything for him. Fit him in when you can.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2013):

Okay O.P., let's say I am a guy who agrees with you and wants to look for a woman to take things slowly with me.

What can I do? How can I find her?

If I ask women about their sexual morals and habits very early in the dating stage I won't get honest civil answers. I will get drinks thrown in my face. (Or more often just a bunch of lies.)

If I try to take it slow with every woman I date, I will get used. VERY FEW promiscuous women will have the decency to just tell a more old-fashioned guy that they sleep with men quickly and he shouldn't waste his time and money on her because they really aren't each other's types. Instead that woman will enjoy his attention and respect and take whatever he offers. They will soak up and enjoy the time & effort he puts into her for a little while before getting bored and going after the next sleazy guy who makes a pass at her. (If the old fashioned guy is lucky then she will at least break it off with him and not keep dating him anyway for a while longer.)

The most effective strategy for an old-fashioned guy who wants to find an old-fashioned woman is to do the same thing that the sleazier guys do - test the waters a bit and get some sexual innuendo going right away. See how the woman responds. A promiscuous girl will like it, and a more old-fashioned woman will usually not hold it too much against him as long as he backs off once she responds negatively.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2013):

I agree with what's been said already

- you're fresh out of a relationship. Treat yourself to all those things you've wanted to do but hadn't got round to. You've been part of an 'us' for a while, you need to rediscover yourself and your independence. Nothing attracts the serious guys like an independent confident woman.

- Eliminate the guys looking for a hook-up by outlining your intentions the first time they flirt with you. Jokingly say that sorry, you only want guys who are husband material when they ask you for your number. The weaklings will get cold feet and leave you alone. The guys who are ready for something serious will then want to prove that they fit the bill- they will not be easily put off and they'll pursue you anyway.

- If the previous point is too direct for you, when a new guy texts you for a hook up at night just say sorry you're busy. Suggest an daytime activity in public where you'll have talk and have fun. Again, the ones after a hook up won't contact you again.

Good luck - and don't be afraid to be assertive!

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A female reader, narda1 United States +, writes (11 June 2013):

Don't be disappointed! There are a lot of guys that actually respect girls, date and will treat you well. It's good you mention this doesn't only happen with guys you have met in bars.. which in this case, 90% will. Guys you meet in a bar will never get to anything reliable or lasting. However, you mention this also happens with guys outside bars and that only means one thing: you haven't met your prince yet.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2013):

It does seem like the norm these days is sex before relationships- not the other way round, which in my opinion it always should be- My longest relationship, we used to go for long bike rides, bowling, double dates, see our mutual friends- early on and we just got into the sexual stuff when we were both up for it- there was companionship, laughter, affection, we always had a sexual buzz but it was much nicer getting to know then for example, getting an explicit text or picture lol...

Anyway point is just think you should just stay friends with guys for a while; you've just come out of a long relationship, are you not emotionally tired and vulnerable haha? Just chill, let the river of life flow and it'll bring you the right one in time I guess!

I know that's how I feel!

When you're ready to date again, I agree with the last post- I know a few people who are in happy relationships with people they've met online- you can chat, get to know people online- where it's clarified what they're looking for :) x

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2013):

Thank you very much all of you for your answers.

I would like to comment as much as I can.

First, I don't hook up with anyone, absolutely not. I thought it was quite clear from my post. Frankly I find this attitude offensive. May be some women play alone but not me. I am not judging anyone, they can do what they want, it's not for me.

Yes, I did just came out of the relationship, but it was running its course awhile before we actually physically started living separately. It was just a matter of finding living situations, that's all. We are still friends, and we are fond of each other. There are no hurt feelings for both, we wish each other well.

I do want romance, but it's not nesseserally that I am intensely looking for a boyfriend. Actually, I am quite happy being along for a change and do things with my friends, my hobbies, and travelings. I am busy at work, and do lots of other activities. I find myself to be quite confident. I know I am a pretty woman, guys always liked me. It was always like this for me, I meet lots of guys, and those who I liked I give my phone number to.

But before my boyfriend I would go on dates. Now it seems like within few last years this dating scene changed.

I am also pretty sure that I am NOT giving out the vibe of an easy lay. I am a young professional and adapted a long time ago how to talk to men at work in a way so they won't have any ideas, and also men outside of work still remaining friendly.

I do agree with Cerebrus about men just being lazy or super cautious over spending money on women who are just after that. I do hope though that women who are JUST after free dinners and drinks are in minority, at least in my circles I don't interact with this way of thinking at all. The last thing I need is for a guy to spend lots of money on me. Not only I find it inappropriate, but also that would make me suspicious, WHY is he doing it?

As far as asking a guy out: I don't ask them directly, but I give them the option to know about my plans for the weekend. I don't ussualy like to date during weekdays, I simply don't have time. Between work, gym and other classes I take my days are packed. But weekends I always leave for fun things to do. An example with last guy who I really liked. I actually told him, when he was taking my pone number that it would be great if we can go to the beach. I told him I am available for him, and he never called me to spend time with me on a weekend, but on Monday he calls me with massage offer. Sad.

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A female reader, Euphoric29 Germany +, writes (11 June 2013):

Dear OP,

I met some nice and "seriously dating" guys online. Didn't get me into a new relationship so far, but some of the men there still are quite formal and polite. You know, having a drink, then later making appointments for dinner or cinema.. maybe you want to give this a try?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2013):

I can honestly say I went through the same thing when I was single. Funny I used to get asked the same thing about waxing/shaving and used to answer the same "how would you like if someone spoke like that to your Mother/sister".

These guys don't find anything wrong with speaking to us like that because it's done over text and can't see our reaction.

Luckily not all guys are like that and I guess that old saying applies "you have to kiss a lot of frogs to meet your Prince". There are decent guys out there with respect for women.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2013):

Not all guys are like that OP but you'd be surprised how many women respond to that kind of attention. It's how a lot of people flirt these days.

I have lots of female friends and some are still on the scene, they respond to this kind of thing with the same risqué attitude and texts back.

OP what you consider sleazy most women consider "cute". I'll never get how to be honest, I'm with you in the sense of wanting to date, and have gotten close and intimate through dating before I will even consider being sexual in messages.

These days though men are lazy in a lot of ways and I don't blame them either when women still demand to be treated like "princesses" and have the date paid for by the guy. Much easier to just do it all in text or online than be forced into spending your hard earned cash on a woman that may take you for a ride, give you nothing in a return then ditch you after two or three dates. May aswell find out if she's worth the effort before making the effort.

Then again OP it does show you how interested in you they are if they only make an effort while drunk and only sexual. Just be ruthless.

OP it's always a good idea to pay close attention to your type too. Maybe the guys you're attracted to are just this kind of guy. I have one friend she's into the tattooed, gym going meathead type and this is how they do things. but she likes to play their game, at the moment she has 4 guys she's "messaging" all that type of guy and she likes the sexual flirting game so she plays that.

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A female reader, Skeez United Kingdom +, writes (11 June 2013):

Skeez agony auntI to have been in this situation for 2 years after my last 4 year relationship. There doesnt seem to be any kind of courtship from men anymore and I too get the same 'wanna come over?' at midnight from any guy i meet whether its in a bar, a library, a coffee shop or through friends.

So im interested to see what guys do have to say about this because if i ever got asked out on a date i would be super super surprised by delighted

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A female reader, Got Issues United Kingdom +, writes (11 June 2013):

Got Issues agony auntI've found that a lot of guys will take me out on one date but after that they get impatient and it's all about trying to get sex. Even "nice guys", in my experience. It's off-putting and annoying. I would like to get to know a guy gradually, and I would like it if that guy's aim was to get to know me, not to sleep with me.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2013):

Well dating is still very much alive so I disagree with you on that. I've always been asked out by guys. Depending on the guy, some will take you for dinner, some for drinks, some to the movies.

My suspision is that you are doing something and giving off a vibe that immediately is making these guys put you in the "sex only" category. Are you hooking up with them when you meet them?

If you are not hooking up with them the only other thing I can think of is that you may be giving off the vibe that you are feeling vulnerable and insecure (probably because you are fresh out of a relationship). Sometimes when you feel down and insecure, you may not realize the vibe you are giving off , might come off as ditzy and desperate, but guys can sense that and assume you are easy to go to bed with.

You are doing something that is giving these guys the green light to treat you that way. I suggest you take a break from guys and work on getting your confidence back. I think your break up has taken a bigger toll on you than you realize.

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A male reader, Yos Netherlands +, writes (11 June 2013):

Yos agony auntI guess this explains why girls have been so delighted when I asked them on a date. Sounds like guys that do will be very popular. Sad to hear that so many men are being uninterestingly sleazy, but I'm sure it's not all of us.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2013):

Ha ha intrigued3000 - ask your sister or mother. Good one, I like it!

Sorry I can't help here, I'm in a relationship, but might not be for much longer - men, hey! :(

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A female reader, harchie Nigeria +, writes (11 June 2013):

harchie agony auntyou said ypu just came out from a relationship of three years. If i'm to say something here, i'll say that you should give yourself a break from relationships for a while, but if you want to go into a relationship, you should at least be patient. Stop giving your number to every guy dat ask for it. And don't be desperate to go into dating.

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A female reader, shrodingerscat United States +, writes (11 June 2013):

shrodingerscat agony auntHere's the question: Did YOU ask any of THEM?

It's 2013. Time to stop waiting on men to do all the heavy lifting and get on it yourself. I'm a feminist, that means I think all genders are equally responsible for their own shit, I never wait for a man to approach me, and neither should you.

Don't complain about never being asked out if you won't ask anyone out yourself!

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A female reader, Intrigued3000 Canada +, writes (11 June 2013):

Intrigued3000 agony auntWhat a great question. I became single about seven months ago and I'm encountering the same issue. It's what they are calling "The hook up culture". I've had more men ask me if I wax or shave my you know what, than ask me on a date. I roll my eyes and tell them they should ask their mother or sister the same question.

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