A
female
age
30-35,
*onfused-and-a-bit-scared
writes:Hello all, I was wondering if you'd be able to help me.I am in a bit of a predicament and when I explain things, I'm probably going to get a lot of stick for it and come across as a selfish whore but I do hope someone can answer me. I have been in an on-going relationship for four years with the same man, the man who was my first as I was his. As far as relationships go, we've had a pretty rough go of it and to me, things started to break down around year two following the death of a dear friend of his. Now I don't blame him at all, I did everything I could in the situation and was there for him and we toughed it out and were still together by the end of year two. But I feel he never came to terms with his grief and feel like he changed as a person as a result of this.Things deteriorated further when he went to university and there was a great distance between us (it was about 4.30 hours to get to one another). This put a lot of strain on our relationship, to the point where he sought attention from other girls (never doing anything, simply flirting and being suggestive). I found out about this and freaked, instilling in me a lack of trust and a fear that he'll leave me ever since. We came close to breaking up again but worked through it and for a while we were happy.But again, things got worse and worse into year three; we were both feeling neglected by the other, our sex life was almost forced and there was no intimacy unless I got drunk. It cause a helluva lot of issues and in the end, it drove me to cheat on him in a drunken stupor. I hate myself for what I have done and told him about it. We then spend the next few months, working everything out, coming to terms with things and finally telling each other what we really felt.Now things seem to be going well. We seem to be happier, no arguing, telling each other what we feel, knowing where we stand. But herein comes my problem; all I can seem to think about is 'when is this going to break down? when will I end up feeling like I did before?' I'm coming to the end of my first year in university and I love uni. But again, we have a great distance between us and I can't help but think that it's all just going to happen again.I don't want to get hurt again. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want us to destroy one another. But I love him with every fiber of my being to the point where before everything happened, I could see the two of us getting married and starting a family. But now, now I don't see that happening. I don't want to start a family with him. I don't want to marry him. I want to know what it's like to be me. But I don't know what to say to him to get him to understand that. I don't know if I want to leave him and be single. I am so confused by everything that I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know who I am. This relationship is all I have ever known and I'm at a loss.So here are my questions to you: What do I do? What can I do to be me without hurting him, or me or anyone? Can I really be this selfish? Does this make me a bad person? Thank you for your help and understanding. I really appreciate any advice you can give :)
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (20 May 2014):
 You can either end the relationship and separate amicably or destroy the relationship by having another affair. I am not being judgemental but is that not what happened the last time the relationship hit a tough patch. You obviously want to explore and live the life of a student and feel burdened by the relationship.
I suggest you have a chat with the BF and separate on good terms. Also it would be the right thing to do.
A
female
reader, Atsweet1  +, writes (20 May 2014):
 Leave and be single. Then it wont matter if you being you or you being yourself for him. If you cant be yourself they must be paying alot of money for the change is all I can say. Who they trying to buy or who they trying to fool that there straight or not homosexual is how I see it.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (19 May 2014):
 Hi OP
Im sorry for you bad times at present. It sounds to me like this relationship has basically run its course because the two of you have changed so much, as has your situation, needs and future plans, as you have both matured and adapted to adult life.
In the four years that you have been together a lot of changes have occurred. You got together as teens and are now into adulthood. Also He lost a close friend, difficult enough to deal with at any age, but as a (presumably) teenager its even harder to accept. You have moved away to Uni and the distance has come between you. You have also had issues with cheating, sexual problems, trust, etc.
Basically the two of you seem to have become different people with different needs now but throughout your adult life so far you have always been together.
On one hand you don't want to marry him or have his children and clearly this relationship has had too many problems for real trust to work. On the other hand, you don't know any other way that sharing your adult life with him.
The only way you can discover yourself and break free of this cycle is to move on from him. Too many times young couples stay together for far too long out of misguided loyalty, or because they want to keep the fairy tale alive of being happy with the first person they fell for. Sometimes its out of habit, fear of the unknown or because they wish to avoid hurting someone. These situations never lead to happiness - only pain and hurt.
I don't really understand why you think you might be selfish or a bad person? Ok cheating was not great but you both seem to have largely moved on from that. OP You are under no obligation to spend the rest of your life with your first proper boyfriend. Third time lucky is not something I would advise anyone to be hopeful of, especially when the two of you live far apart. Your lives and situations are likely to change yet again when you graduate and move on from studies to work. Based on previous experience I think you know its likely to start becoming a problem again in the future.
If you KNOW you don't want to spend the rest of your life with him, marry him or start a family with him then better to move on now. As you get a bit older the years fly by. Its easy to fall into ties, responsiblities and so on before realizing its then too late to simply walk away.
Your young, you have yet to discover yourself and gain enough confidence and knowledge of love, relationships and so forth. This relationship sounds pretty dire to be honest but as you have only known this relationship you have nothing to compare it to.
Mark
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2014): Hi,
You are still very young and although you have enjoyed this relationship I feel it has run its course now and you need to get out and find yourself. Set yourself free - it may result in you hurting your partner but sometimes we have to be cruel to be kind. Sometimes we have to put ourselves first no matter what the consequences. Do what YOU feel is right for YOU, no one else. We all have to make choices and decisions that may hurt others but that is life. Stop courting disaster.
Good Luck and be happy.
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