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Does this look like a deeper relationship?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Friends with Benefits, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (19 May 2017) 6 Answers - (Newest, 22 May 2017)
A female United States age 22-25, *ovelesslady writes:

I've had a FWB about 6 months now. We casually meet every other week, do our thing, split ways and just chat via messages the rest of the time.

Lately, when I go to his house, he wants me to spend all night, go out to the movies, go eat, he kisses me in the morning now, and makes jokes about us being together, like. "We should be more. Ha! Ha! but I know your pimping self don't want that".

He hasn't come straight out and says he likes me, but physically and in my head I feel something there. TMI but at first the sex was just casually dirty, kinky sex. Now I've noticed when we have sex he goes way slower; kisses me, rubs my hair, does weird things like lick my toes.... Heck he even goes down on me when it's that "time". Like he can't get enough of whatever is on me lol.

This last time we had sex I was like yeah you're doing all the work tonight. He responded with, "You deserve it".

Are some FWB just very passionate, or does this maybe sound like more? Thanks in advance! I really just don't want to make a fool of myself looking too deeply into it.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (22 May 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntYeah I think he has done everything but actually come straight out and say it. I hope it goes well for you.

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A female reader, lovelesslady United States +, writes (20 May 2017):

lovelesslady is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you guys! actually, HES the one always inviting me to the movies and stuff!!! Lately he's been cuddling me, giving me kisses in the morning before I leave..he asks me to come over all the time..I usually leave early in the morning, and this last time I left a few days ago, he said next time I come over we're catching breakfast.. he made a comment the other day on my Facebook when I posted "why don't people just tell you how they feel?".. he said because they're scared the person may reject them, they're scared and don't wanna lose their friendship.. so..I'm really hoping for the best!!

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A female reader, lovelesslady United States +, writes (20 May 2017):

lovelesslady is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you guys! actually, HES the one always inviting me to the movies and stuff!!! Lately he's been cuddling me, giving me kisses in the morning before I leave..he asks me to come over all the time..I usually leave early in the morning, and this last time I left a few days ago, he said next time I come over we're catching breakfast.. he made a comment the other day on my Facebook when I posted "why don't people just tell you how they feel?".. he said because they're scared the person may reject them, they're scared and don't wanna lose their friendship.. so..I'm really hoping for the best!!

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (19 May 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntIt does sound to me like he is looking for more from what you have wrote. He is testing the waters by bringing it up casually and as a joke but he is looking to see your reaction. He is probably afraid like you off getting rejected. Go for it and tell him you want more!!

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (19 May 2017):

CindyCares agony aunt Yes and not.

There are bad news and there are good news :) ( this, assuming, which maybe is not the case, that you WANT this relationship to become deeper)

The bad news is that a person's sexual behaviour in a casual relationship is never a good, reliable predictor of his true feelings and emotions. It has not got much to do with them.. Of course some FWBS are very passionate !! And sensual, and romantic too. In fact, MOST merely physical relationships are based on ( duh ) having an intense , exciting PHYSICAL connection. That's what they are born for, having great ( non- mechanical, non- routine, non- humdrum sex ). Since there's not much else to connect about...

If two people are in a relationship, and connect well at all levels, so also mentally, emotionally, spiritually- psst the honeymoon stage they will still stay , they will still care, they will still value each other - even if and when sex ,in time , becomes , I don't mean "boring " , but less amazing, less " wow ", less new. But in a shaky or superficial relationship, based on instant gratification of physical impulses,- there better be A LOT of gratification, otherwise what's the point.

Another thing to consider is that when you meet someone once or twice a month, making it a special event, with all the trimmings,--- music, candlelight and massages, or sex toys, props , etc. ... whatever floats your boat - IS part of the fun . Imagine living together and having to set the scene , and the mood, every night ... few weeks and either one, or both, would go : " Sigh. Toe licking time again " or " Sigh... damn Jacuzzi again. Ok, let's get it over and done ".

I am sort of kidding, but my point is, that , same as an occasional escape to Paris is super exciting, while having to go to Paris every weekend is not- the same is for FWB- for many people they are a way to spice up occasionally a bland, unexceptional routine. Which does not mean ,though, they ' d want spices every day , day in day out.

The good news is that, the way they treat you out of bed counts more, means more, and reveals more. I find interesting, at least, that he wants ( you both want ) stay in touch between sex dates - that's generally not a given. It is also good that he wants to spend plenty of time with you out of bed- although, so far, more as a nonsexual appetizer to an inevitably sexy entree'?..

It would be / will be very meaningful and telltale if he'll try to ease you into his life by introducing you to his friends, or sharing with you some special hobby or interest of his- or if you got so involved in conversation , or in doing some activity together ( ... cooking or shopping or walking , anything ..) that somehow you sort of forget the purpose you met up for ( i.e. having sex )...

Finally, I think it's also interesting that he said, in a roundabout way, that he'd want more from you. It is possible that he was just joking and sort of " playing home ", but it's also very possible that he was testing the waters because he has no idea of what YOU want from him.

Maybe he was putting out feelers, in the chance that you could answer something like " Well, how do you know that I do not want that ?! "

Hard to say, I'd say it's 50/ 50 . It's true that some ( many ) people are too shy or too proud to speak up and say what they want- yet, at the same time, it is also true that when someone wants something BADLY enough he / she will go about getting it - forget shy or proud.

I'd say though that you could easily see more clearly into this , by being proactive. ( Always assuming you'd like it to be more than casual sex ). You could try the direct approach, and just tell him that you have thought about what he said, and, why not, since you are having a great time together, your pimping self would not mind giving it a try and see what happens. ( I know it may feel awkward , but.. hey, you feel comfortable enough with this guy to have kinky, adventurous sex with him, BUT not comfortable enough to tell him what's on your mind ? that's topsy-turvy, in my view ).

Or, if you feel this is too heavy - handed, try something subtler but simple. I.e. : I guess you wait for him to " book " you for sex every 15 days, right ? Don't. YOU book him, say, after a week, - and not necessarily for sex. Tell him you'd like him to come over and... bake cookies, or mix cocktails, or whatever. Or just tell him that you are going to see such and such show or art gallery etc., and you'd like him to tag along.

That should not be off limits, because if you are FWBs, in theory you are also friends, or at least in friendly terms. If he meant what he said jokingly that day- he'll lap it up, he'll eat from your hands. And in time , you'd transition from FWBs to regular dating sort of naturally.

If instead he drags his feet, backs off, makes excuses, or just comes out and says bluntly that the time he has got for you is limited to your usual encounters- well,you'll know where you stand , at least, and you'll decide what to do taking it from there.

If instead you asked just out of curiosity and you would never consider him as anything more than a casual sex partner, you have two options : 1) you carry on as usual,and act oblivious to any change, knowing that anyway FWBS are a "take no prisoners " kind of thing and if he catches feelings for you- too bad, but so be it

2 ) you tell him that perhaps it's better if you cut down on sleepovers and " social" outings etc., because, although it has been pleasant, you feel that this does not really belong to your initial agreement and feels to you a bit awkward because it crosses your boundaries in terms of intimacy.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (19 May 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI think he has been testing the waters as to how YOU feel about it. I think his "we should be more" is him basically asking you if you want more without asking you straight up because he doesn't want to be rejected or have you end the FWB.

So, here is the question for you. DO YOU want more or not?

If you do, TALK to him (in person) not over text/phone/PM

If you don't you CAN ignore it, just remember that most FWB has an expiration date because ONE of the people IN the FWB will catch feelings or meet someone they DO want to be with.

As far as how FWB are "supposed" to be - there are no real rules here. It depends on the people involved and THEIR boundaries, likes, dislikes and feelings.

IF you worry that bringing it up will make things weird, sure - that IS a possibility. However, IF you feel you want more, maybe he is it - maybe it's a sign that you need to move on to someone who WANTS more than just an occasional casual sex thing.

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