A
male
age
41-50,
*oldenOne
writes: The girl I have been dating have been having a rough time for the last few months. I admit I have done somethings that are not the best to have to report. Our problem seems to be that we have different expectations for each other. When we met I explained I was truly looking to settle down and I am not into drama. We took off running. Spent a lot of time together for the first six months. During this time I took her to Niagara Falls and we stayed a week. I had grown accustomed to having her around every weekend. Things began to change over the course of next few months she began not to come over...roughly a period of two months...i did not see her at all. We talked texted. But that was not enough for me. So,I asked her what was going on she stated she was not seeing anyone but had a lot on her plate and she did not have any time for herself. During this time away I met another woman. No sexual interest at all...and I made it clear that we could hang out but I had a girl. We chatted via email and since she lives faily close I would go over her house and hang and she did the same with me. My GF, was too busy I felt neglected and things happen between this new friend of mines. When I finally had a chance to speak with my GF she came over and we made up and it seemed as if she understood that I felt neglected and not valued. I will say that I am a good guy very romantic and like to do things for my partner and with my partner and when she was unavailable there was huge void in my life. I tried to fill the voids most days by hanging with friends and family...but seeing other couples holding hands and doing things...well that bothered me. I told my GF why I felt the way I did...I felt we were both a gift to each other and love was a gift and that I valued her a great deal. Thing continue and they seemed good for abt a month after the above mentioned issue. We have tried to stay together but her schedule makes it really difficult. I am engaged in other activities and likes to do thing by myself...but at times I feel she is the wrong person for me. When we are together we are good if not great...but when when we away we have problems. I have somewhat of an insecure nature. This leads to many of our issues. She says to love blindly..but I can not choose to be blind and stupid so I question her motives and actions. Recently, she took on a part time job to make extra money...so again I was put on the backburner. I would say that I have been pushed to the side more than 2 dozen times in the 2+yrs we have been together. Although when things come up and she has to break plans with me she will communicate with me all through the day. I have told her that she should she should make time for her relationship..since she has so much on her plate rather than try to find time and at times she will have to tell others "NO!", like she seems comfortable in telling me. Things came to a boil this past Weekend...she was working(a second job, which I knew nothing about) she said she would be working til midnite, we communicated til 3 am via text. I was upset cause again so much change to what she had mentioned to me. I had then moved to make plans for Sunday, when I called her Sunday to finalize her plans she was doing some other odd job but told me she would try to let me know later when she was to be free. So to make it simple she was not available all day. I hit the roof..telling her that I would not just be sitting around all the time waiting on her...she need to figure out what she wants. I told her I felt she was probably seeing someone else by her actions. I called her abit upset we argued, she hung up I called back,She would not answer the phone after about 2 calls, so I left about 10 voicemail message until she finally had her voicemail removed by her service provider. I did not use profanity...but I did explain that I felt bad that I had to communicate to her voicemail cause she is too busy and not resepctful of my time and efforts. I also told her I would like for her to test the water cause I feel she is not happy and therefore I am suffering. The following day we texted each other...I told her if she wants to see other people don't try to hold me... if that is the case I am gone. I deserve better a partner who is more avaiable. She then replied via text msg " Ok, I am seeing someone". Now, all this time while we had problems and avoidance..she always told me...she needs time for her and that she needed to find herself. She, and I still saw each other perhaps 1 time per week. We did couple/friend things (go to plays, play billards ets;). Even til the week prior we were still intimate. She has been saying for months let's be friends and work on our friendship. Cause she felt we moved to fast. We talk text all the time. During this time she state many times she is not seeing anyone...we had been through so much and that a "Man" was the last thing on her mind. Now, Monday of last week after the heated weekend she said "She is seeeing someone" whom she just met Wednesday of last week and they had two dates. He seems to understand her and he impressed her by giving her 3 dozen roses for their first date. My issue is based on her schedule if these are the facts doesn't make sense cause she was working all that time. I also saw her on Thursday. So is she playing mind games or is she now comfortable with this guy enough to tell me so that I can move on. After our last communication I told her I wished her well and I don't share. There is nothing to hold on to. I changed my mobile # and have not had any communication with her.
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male
reader, GoldenOne +, writes (23 June 2009):
GoldenOne is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks for the tip I have looked up co-depency and I may have some of the characteristics. Especially the lashing out parts. Also I have a problem when I am not a priority or first. I will look more into this.
I will say that I am very open-minded and will always look for solutions...thanks again for pointing the way.
I will say I changed my # because I wanted no contact for atleast 30 days. I truly believe and felt that I needed to get my emotions together. I truly believed this is why I behaved so irractically.
It has been 20 days thus far and I am doing well. I have started a gym membership and I am doing other things like spending more time with friends and family. A few have told me that I was a bit needy. Sometimes you have to make a person miss you and not realize that you are always there waiting. I don't know if I want her back. I am one to always go with the unknown and untravelled paths.
Lastly, I have done many things and said many hurtful things when I lashed out...I just wish her happiness. Could I give it to her yes...but not now...i need more time for me. I have about 7 months of bad emotions to deal with.
I guess the reason I acted in the manner I did because I am firm believer in working things out and not sweeping things under the rug, so to speak and there was just no time. So, basically I let the situation get the best of me.
Thanks once again for the information.
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