A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend Lisa and I have been going together for almost ten months and our relationship seems to be sailing along quite smoothly. We're very compatible. We always have a lot of fun together and she never nags me. She's beautiful, classy and charming. (All my buddies rate her a solid "10.")All right, I know what you're thinking, "So what's the problem?" I didn't really notice this when we were first dating, but now it's becoming an issue for me. I'll explain.We like going to nice restaurants and seeing a lot of plays and concerts, as I always get front row seats for us whenever possible. I've also just recently treated her to a ten-day vacation in Paris where we stayed at one of the nicest hotels in the city. (She speaks fluent French, but had never been to France. So you can imagine how thrilled she was.)I was happy to pay for the entire trip to France. I enjoy being in the role of provider and it feels good to take my sweetheart anywhere I want, without any consideration of how much it might cost.The thing is Lisa has never offered to pay for anything, not once. Not a dinner, not a movie ticket, not even an ice cream cone. And I'm noticing that I'm starting to feel resentful about it. I don't need her to spring for some big gift or anything like that, but some small gesture of generosity on her part every so often when we go out would mean a lot to me.She thanks me for the things that I do for her — maybe one out of four times — but that's as far as it goes. I guess if she cooked for me or gave me a massage once in a while, it would be different, but she doesn't cook and she's just never offered to rub my back.I'm considering the idea of asking her why she never offers to pay for anything, but I wanted to check with you first. Do you think that she never offers to pay for anything because it's just proper female behavior for her? She is pretty traditional and conservative in a lot of ways. Or, do you think she's just selfish and is using me in some way; not being a "giver," as you would say.The confusing thing is that she's very affectionate otherwise. And should I try to discuss the situation with her?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 April 2016):
 I tend to see it like Honeypie. My guess is that she is a "solid 10 " who feels she is already paying you back for your kind gestures.... by letting you play out of your league and and sporting off such a cool trophy girlfriend.
She is a solid 10 lookswise, for the envy and admiration of all your friends, and, as you say, she also has class ,charm,elegance - and probably culture,since she is plurilingual. Plus, she is good natured and shows an affectionate demeanour.
I think she feels THIS is already payback enough for all the material attentions you may have for her.
I am assuming , a bit impolitely ;) but not unreasonably, that you may not be a solid 10 yourself, at least not in ref. to beauty, sex appeal, charm, poise etc., and/ or that you get closer to a 10 only by taking into account your financially secure position and your generosity.
She may feel that it's a fair trade, and that each of you is contributing to the relationship with the best you've got to give - so no needs for extra contributions, or special thank yous.
This , mind you, is not equivalent to accusing your Gf of having a mercenary spirit , or of only making nice to you in exchange for trips and dinners.
I am saying, that, whether we admit it or not, the dating market IS a market. People is appraised and evaluated according to certain parameters and qualities which make them more or less dateable and desirable to the opposite sex, and most people , consciously or not, will give a certain value ( or market price ) both to themselves and their dating options.
By a certain set of values , which you and your friends subscribe to, she is a perfect 10. Quite possibly, by HER standards, you are not a perfect 10 and what bridges the gap are your financial possibilities and your generosity.
Spending lavishly on her brings you two to more or less to the same level in terms of social and sexual desirability, and probably she feels that not too many veremonies are owed for a behaviour that , in a way, you MUST engagé into if you want to date a woman in her league.
A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (24 April 2016):
 Hi,
with all due respect, looks and charm alone, will get you nowhere long term, UNLESS, she is the real deal and she does have the best of intentions at heart.
From all you've stated and from all I've read, it appears that your gf has made a serious habit of taking and not giving.
A good, healthy and happy relationship, is all about give and take, having a good balance and making each other feel special, but above all, not taking each other forgranted.
(regardless of how much money you both have, or don't have)
Remember, money cannot buy love.
I would encourage you to take a few steps back and stop (for just a while)yourself from spoiling her too much, no matter how much you may want to.
This way, you can get to see what her true colours and intentions are and you'll get the real opportunity to see if she takes a step in the right direction, because she truly loves you for you and not for what you continuously provide her with.
If you step back and you notice that your gf doesn't take a step forward, nor make any concerted effort to pitch in financially too, then you pretty much know that something deeper is going on.
You speak of your gf as your "prized possession", for all your mates to see and point score.
Whilst it's wonderful that your gf is beautiful, charming, etc;, all this and nothing else, is not going to save your relationship, if there is something serious that's underlying, beneath her obvious behaviour.
She isn't traditional at all, because a traditional girl, would do many different things within your relationship.
It appears that she uses her physical appearance to get what she wants and whilst initially, everything appeared perfect, as your time together moved on, you started to notice little things that do actually bother you to some degree.
Unfortunately, if not sorted out asap, these little issues, will only amount into bigger issues with time.
Better to sort this out asap and know exactly where you stand, so as not to waste more of your precious time, if she does turn out, to not be the right girl for you.
All the best!
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (24 April 2016):
She sees you as a beta provider. Proceed accordingly.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (24 April 2016):
 Actually, I see this as a couple of different ways. I read your post twice and was about to write something in line with her looks making it easier for her to get favors from men, but as I was about to type it, I decided to read between the lines.
On the surface you sounded conflicted, as you love to be the provider and were happy to pay for a European vacation. So in a sense, you set the environment of you providing in your relationship.
What I hear you wanting isn't for her to open her wallet, it's APPRECIATION in more than one area. You even said that it didn't have to be her offering to pay. You'd love gestures like her cooking a meal for you, or giving you a backrub, or thanking you more than once every 4 times.
I AGREE!
I think you've gone a little beyond now, and my advice to remedy the situation is to back off a bit, and go just a little bit distant. She's starting to take you for granted now without realizing it. Just ease back on seeing her, talking to her, let her worry a bit about how you feel about her. Not too much, or it could backfire.
Don't be so quick to pull out your wallet. AND - don't be so quick to "show her off" as a trophy for your friends. Put her on a pedestal, and it'll cost you!
Then what you do is PRAISE or otherwise positively affirm her for showing you affection in kind. You'll be amazed at the turnaround in your relationship in terms of reciprocation on her end.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (24 April 2016):
 A woman's love can be priceless to a man. I believe you have no problems paying if only you can be sure that she loves you for you, and not your money. That she won't divorce you and take you to the cleaners one day. Just being affectionate and looking charming and beautiful is not enough to tell you if that's love. I don't think cooking and massaging your back can be exchanged for love though, but I guess she has to show something. If you don't feel her love then it's not there. Love is a strong, obvious feeling that you can't miss. If you have to question it, you have reasons to doubt her.
You should try organizing activities that don't involve spending money, and see if she still enjoys quality time with you. You can try volunteering, or other ways to serve your city. Gold diggers would scoff at things like these because they look down on people who are underpriviledged and are in a lower social economic group. They have a strong sense of entitlement and have little sympathy. If you confront her now, she can always deny it and it can backfire. Such as accusing you of "buying her affections," and that you only love her for her looks.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2016): I'm a solid 10 too! lol and my fiancé is like you. We are LDR now, for 2 years and he will be hear soon to stay, and every time we go to another country too see each other he pays for everything and books very nice hotels. I just get my flight ticket. but I have offered every time to pay even I booked the hotel once and paid for meals there and he let me do it which I was happy that he finally realized that I like to treat him too. BUT he put the money for everything that I spend there plus the hotel that I booked in my purse when we were departing in the airport and I didn't notice it until I got home. I argued with him that why he doesn't let me pay for anything and he always says that's the way it should be! So I stopped offering to pay because I hear the same response but I always buy him nice and expensive gifts and when he will be here in couple of months to stay ofcours I will cook for him and do everything for him. Your girlfriend thinks she deserves to be treated like that. If you were uncomfortable with this arrangement you should set the rules from the beginning. Just test her, ask her to treat you once and see what she does for you. She might be so cheap, she might be spoiled you should know better by now. If she doesn't get the hint then talk to her. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A +, writes (24 April 2016):
 If you ask her, “why she never offers to pay for anything” be prepared to see your bubble burst! This may well be the end of your relationship with this type of girl. No doubt she’ll give you excuses and charm you.
The picture or issue that has been painted here looks more like a solid 10 moocher – a TAKER!? Yet she does pay you back by being very affectionate… I guess that’s one way of paying her way? An asset used to confuse.
Nevertheless she is not traditional because traditional women do cook, clean, rub backs and offer to pay for an ice-cream cone! And regardless of her standards, finances or income, manners cost nothing!
If it’s in your nature as a gentleman to pay, want a pretty girlfriend beside and want your sweetheart to have a great time, that’s ok. It sounds like you’re very smitten. However those alarm bells are now alerting you to being taken for your money – generosity and for granted!? Finally the blinkers have been removed; you’re seeing her less attractive side - her character.
Even a most generous person has limits, less they are foolish. But a taker is another creature all together. They are selfish… using their sweet assets (class and charm) to which create diversion and or confusion.
We may well fall for a charming personality, but it’s the character we live with. Ask yourself, is she a worthy investment in the long run?
Take Care – CAA
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (23 April 2016):
 "Do you think that she never offers to pay for anything because it's just proper female behavior for her? "
I do NOT think it's "proper female behavior" at all to not offer to pitch in at all. Let's get that notion out of the way.
Now I DO think a woman like your GF, whom you call a 10 might think that she is "deserving" to have everything paid for her and handed to her, more than a woman who is a 4-7.... Because a woman like your GF DOES have more dating options. She might NEVER have paid for ANYTHING on any date EVER, because she has been good at selecting men who treats a woman how SHE likes to be treated.
She might FEEL that you have CHOSEN to spoil her and pay because it makes YOU (as a man) feel like you are a gentleman, and thus she is "letting" you.
What you could do was ask her to arrange a date for you two. See what she says. Does she do it and pay for things or does she ask for your ATM card? Or does she arrange something that doesn't cost much (monetary wise, which again is fine a date doesn't have to be extravagant). Or what?
Does she have an income that makes her financially equal to you? If she is not, make that is why she doesn't even bring up paying anything.
Overall though, my guess is, that she is of the notion that she
"deserves" to be spoiled. That HER share in the relationship is that YOU get to have her as a GF and on your arm. THAT is her contribution and apparently she thinks it's quite quid pro quo. But that is ONLY a guess. I don't know her.
The ONLY way to figure this out is to talk to her. We can all make presumptions but we don't know her.
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A
female
reader, GeeGee255 +, writes (23 April 2016):
 Wow this is a tuff one. But I'm thinking that since you first asked her to go out with you that you probably paid for everything and never once asked her to split the bill. So weather that's what she tradionally expected from males in the past or not it's what she expects from you now. She maybe even think that the way you prefer it. Some men get insulted if the woman they are seeing exclusively not just had a few dates with reach for their wallets. So now you have a choice to make, either let it go and say nothing and continue to pay for everything or roll the dice on possibly ending the relationship by trying to satisfy your curiosity and figure out if she truly loves you or the things you can buy her. But trust me she's going to figure it out and she probably isn't going to like it. At the very least she's going to know that you doubted her motives and is going to be hurt.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (23 April 2016):
 Did you happen to meet her on a dating site for women seeking sugar daddies? I'm kidding, but that's what this dynamic reads like. It definitely sounds like you've found one of her more serious flaws.
Why do I say that? Well, if she can afford to help pay even every once in a while, it surprises me greatly that she NEVER offers to do so. Most people view a relationship as a partnership, which means both give AND take, not constant, universal taking. I'd personally feel very uncomfortable with being completely beholden to someone, knowing that I contributed nothing other than my presence. Ever. I'm fairly certain most people would feel similarly. If Lisa is in your age range it's hard to excuse her behavior on the grounds that she must have been raised to believe the man pays for absolutely everything - that hasn't been the unilateral social norm for some time.
If, on the other hand, she genuinely can't *afford* to help financially with any of these wonderful experiences that you've treated her to, not even an ice cream cone, and that is the reason behind her complete lack of reciprocity, then I'd expect she would try to "repay" you in gratitude at the very least. But it doesn't sound like she does that either! A 25% "thank you" average for the types of expensive outings you're footing the bill for is pretty abysmal if you ask me.
Whether she's actively using you or just not wired to consider feelings other than her own...that's a tough question to answer without knowing her. What do you know about her own financial situation? Could she afford the type of lifestyle she's effectively taking for granted from you on her own? If the answer is no, be wary.
As for the situation, bring it up to her if you like. If she wants to hang on to the cushy lifestyle you're providing, she'll almost certainly try to change her ways. But unfortunately now that you've seen this pattern you will realize that any time she thanks you appropriately or offers to pay for something in the future, it's because you had to have a conversation with her about it. Not because she's an innately grateful or giving person. Up to you to decide whether her beauty and social charm make up for that in the long term.
Good luck and best wishes!
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