A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Another one of the thousands of sex questions on this site, but I really have no one else to talk to about this sensitive subject.I have a boyfriend who I've been with for 8 years... but we're really just best friends now. About 4 years ago, the sexual stuff died out, then the romance, closeness etc... now we just spend all our time together enjoying the wonderful friendship we have.. but have never really broken up - I know.. wierd and confusing. We are really each other's soulmates.Anyways, I can't help but feel the sexual stuff died out, because I always found sex to be so painful. I'm 25 and when I lost my virginity at 19 with him (the only man I've ever been with).. it really didn't go according to my expectations. I found it painful, uncomfortable, I felt self conscious the entire time, and was worried sick about becoming pregnant.I'm one of those people very sensitive to medication, and never managed to find a pill that didn't give me horrible side effects.. so I gave up on that idea and only use condoms.. which kinda prevents you from completely relaxing of course.. because there's always the chance of it breaking.We never actually had a place to ourselves... never moving in together. Actually, we were living with our own parents the entire time.. and it made it difficult. I remember distinctly, there were times when his folks would actually just COME into his room when we were attempting to 'do it'.. let me tell you, I have never moved so fast hehe! Having no privacy and being surrounded by parental units created a feeling of unease.. I was always worried about whether we'd get caught.. I think this kind of led to the feeling that whenever I went to have sex, I felt like I was doing something wrong. (My boyfriend NEVER took up the opportunity to move in with me.. it just never happened.. as much as I tried to raise it with him)..Anyways, he's the only guy I've been with.. but I've never enjoyed sex with him. I can't shake the fear that I'll dry out and something will go wrong, the condom will break and I'll fall pregnant, which scares me because I never felt ready for a baby back then.. and still don't now!Sex to me always felt so mechanical. I even tried feeding him inside me MYSELF, so I wouldn't tighten up and dry out.. in the hopes that if I was in control of the situation, that it would be successful.. but it never really worked. I eventually dry out and feel like someone's scraping sandpaper up inside me. It hurts, it feels like it pushes up inside my bladder.. I can't seem to enjoy it in ANY position and most of the time it ends in tears. My boyfriend is a lovely, sweet and caring person.. so it is not that he's ever made me self conscious about myself. Now he just really don't care about anything like that.. and sort of closed off to any of it.. hence the reason we're friends without being anything else.I've spent years feeling like half a woman over this issue.. because sex is such a huge part of everyone's lives! I don't miss it though - because how could you, when you've never enjoyed it? But I often feel frustrated that I can't just be normal like all the other women out there. I feel defective.. and when I think back over the past few years.. I do think this has had a significant impact on my self esteem.I've been checked out by my Gyno and he wanted to widen up my tunnel, as he said it was extremely tight. But then when I was having a routine check of my ovaries recently, which involved me having to stick a big camera inside myself, it went off without a hitch.. I had no pain and no problems.. so now he doesn't feel anything's required.Is there ANY OTHER WOMEN out there who have been through this? I'm assuming it's psychological.. but I have never been raped or molested in the past.. I have a clean slate as far as that goes.Would love to hear your thoughts. Thanks.
View related questions:
best friend, condom, lost my virginity, my ex, self esteem, soulmate Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Annalisa  +, writes (3 October 2008):
 Hi! Your problem is defenately psychological, because you will dry out and freeze, if you're constantly panicking about getting pregnant and hurting.
Even I have experienced this, with a recent partner. I say 'even me' because I had never before had such problems, quite the opposite, but stress and inexperience on his part made sex simply unsatisfying and I just couldn't relax, because I knew I would never fully enjoy it!
Anyway, first of all, you need to sort out some good contraception. I suggest you look up the Billings Method, which is a natural and accurate way of recognising whether you're ovulating and likely to get pregnant at a given time. It needs a little working out, but you can both learn to recognise the changes in your discharge and eventually you just get used to it.
Second, get somewhere private or lock the door! Sex is a God-given exchange of love between man and woman, so you shouldn't feel guilty, dirty or stressed.
Now, let him start by getting to know your body, help him out by masturbating and getting to know what feels good for you. Don't be afraid to show him what to do, he'll enjoy the show!
Let him explore you with his mouth and fingers and just relax because it will only hurt if you worry. When you're fully relaxed and really wet and orgasming, welcome him inside you and enjoy.
It will help to know that you're not ovulating, that he's willing and ready to pull out when he's coming (it's just back-up, remember, don't rely on him pulling out if you could be ovulating!) or simply ready with a condom.
Remember, sex is not all about intercourse, you can enjoy it endlessly by giving each other oral, sharing massages, playing sexy games, lap-dancing, using food with foreplay, etc. You don't have to take it any farther until you're ready, but you can at least share such intimate moments, to get to know each other intimately and not feel frustrated.
If you worry about condoms, I suggest you always check the expiry date and discard old ones, apply it yourself, carefully, during foreplay, so you can take your time and not spoil the mood; also, if you worry about drying up against the rubber, use a good lubricant.
God bless you and good luck!
A
female
reader, Faybelline +, writes (3 October 2008):
 I can find it difficult and quite painful when using condoms too; it gets all dry and then I'm too focused on that and can't enjoy it.
A little lube, like 'supermum' suggests, usually helps a lot for me; you should try it.
Obviously you've not had great experiences with sex and that's stopping you from enjoying it too; maybe you could try a new setting, like go to a hotel for a couple of nights, just so it's a bit more relaxed and doesn't feel so routine.
Good luck :)
...............................
A
female
reader, supermum +, writes (3 October 2008):
 You could always try lube... the problem with the parents situation is that you never let yourself relax... you couldnt...thats why the camera thing was fine... i bet you were more relaxed.If you live on your own, invite him round, otherwise, choose a time when your parents are out, invite him round and have an evenin relaxing... have a nice meal, a glass of wine (or similar) or two and let your self relax. Get some sexy underwear so that you can feel confident and super sexy, which will help aswell, and loosen up a bit. Dont feel any pressure, maybe just kiss and cuddle at first... and make sure you explore his body aswell as him exploring your. Take your time, you should spend about 45 mins on foreplay in my book anyway! Then, you feel your self. If you are wet, there shouldnt be a problem, and if your not, put some lube on... you could maybe try a tingle one to give you some new sensations (although the Durex tingle lube can burn a little bit, but in a good way). If it doesnt work out, dont worry, just enjoy the closeness that you had lost. All the best babe, email me to let me know if i can help more, and if there is an improvement.xxx
...............................
|
