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Does "not ready now" mean "not ready ever"???

Tagged as: Breaking up, Faded love, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (22 November 2010) 1 Answers - (Newest, 22 November 2010)
A female United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I am so crazy about my boyfriend. He listens to me, does nice things to make my life easier or more pleasant, and does little things to make me feel special. We've been together for a couple years now. The first year or so we didn't see eachother often as we both travel for work, but now we're both living more permanently in the same city, and a few months ago he brought up living together. At the time he was very lovey-dovey, telling me things like he wants to spend his life with me and that I make him happy. Then, only a month or so later, a lot of the lovey-dovey stuff suddenly vanished. He stopped wanting to spend all of his time with me, but still seemed thrilled to see me when we were together. He still randomly came by my house and cut the grass and when I asked if something was wrong, he said nothing's changed. I'll admit it, I got scared. How do you go from crazy about me always wanting to be together talking about moving in to what feels like casually dating? Then I did the worst thing a girl can do. I went into turbo-needy mode. I became extremely emotional and easily got hurt or started crying because I saw signs of his decline of adoration everywhere.

So now a month later, I've been a basketcase (and not a fun one) for a month. He says maybe we don't need to move in together.

Guys - help me out. I've done so much for this guy, so much with him, and he's been amazing to me. I think that when the excitement of actually getting to spend time together wore off and he was going into "regular relationship" mode, I was still wanting the exciting future talk stuff. And when I got hurt and acted like a needy whiny girl, he was like woah, this isn't who I signed up for let's chill a bit. Our last conversation ended with him saying he does want everything I want, he just thinks we need to get on more solid ground before we start really looking at sharing a home together.

Is my assessment right? Is this state of uncertainty permanent? Have I ruined my chances with the man I love? How can I keep from being hurt that he's backpedaling? If I quit being all butt-hurt all the time and can get back to having fun and enjoying eachother mode, will he want to start moving forward again? Me and this guy, we've been through a lot together. Until recently we never fought and always had fun together. Still we've never said hateful things or threatened to end things. I feel like there's hope, but how can I make it happen? How can I be happy when he says he wants to wait for everything I already feel like I've been waiting for?

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A male reader, Odds United States +, writes (22 November 2010):

Odds agony auntYou did the right thing by stopping to think about this. I'll answer your questions one at a time.

"Is my assessment right?"

Going into turbo-needy mode (good name for it, I'm stealing that) was bad, but does not doom your relationship yet. "Not ready now" does not necessarily mean "not ready ever."

"Is this state of uncertainty permanent?"

No, it'll change, one way or another.

"Have I ruined my chances with the man I love?"

You'd be surprised what you can get away with if you fix it fast enough. If you continue to really examine your actions and try to fix things, you've got a very good chance of working this out.

"How can I keep from being hurt that he's backpedaling?"

Accept that some emotional pain may be the price you pay for reacting the way you did. You very likely will be hurt until things get better, but they can get better. If you focus on not getting hurt, rather than on acheiving your goal, you worsen yours odds considerably.

"If I quit being all butt-hurt all the time and can get back to having fun and enjoying eachother mode, will he want to start moving forward again?"

Bingo. Don't talk about the relationship, have a relationship. Think back to when you were first dating, what did you do that attracted him? Figure that out and do it. And yes, he may want to start moving forward again, but you will need to be patient, that may take a little while.

"I feel like there's hope, but how can I make it happen?"

By not pushing him. The relationship is not a race to the finish, it's a process to be savored, like a good meal. Talking about the future is fun, but rushing it kills the romance. Enjoy the process.

"How can I be happy when he says he wants to wait for everything I already feel like I've been waiting for?"

This is the female equivalent of when a guy absolutely cannot wait to get into his girlfriend's panties. When you dated guys in the past who clearly just wanted to get to that point and skip all the boring romance crap at the beginning, how did you feel? Those guys also thought that they'd been waiting forever, since they counted the time before they even met you. I'm guessing they sabotaged their chances most of the time?

That's what you're doing. Slow down, take a deep breath, and enjoy the process. And don't suggest moving in together again - maybe he'll suggest it, maybe he won't, but just let that one go or it will remind him of when you went neurotic.

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