A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I don't know how to put this. Some background: I left my bf on my parents advise because he's not a good guy. I realised that I'm in a bad relationship and broke up. Now, my parents talk about arranged marriage on and off. I'm okay with meeting guys my parents like to choose the right one. One thing has been disturbing me lately. My mother..I might be over reacting.. My mother is a little materialistic and I see her admiring matches from families that are very rich. While talking the talk to ME she talks about character personality etc. but she gets so impressed by families that are rich. She even admitted to me once that her expectation when she got married to my dad was to get a husband who will keep her life secure financially. She also tells about having a son in law who will look after. She acts spiritual(religious) on one hand and is always into jewelry and stuff. When I spoke about my career she keeps saying I will earn a lot and buy her diamonds..she says it jokingly but also means it. She also plays victim a lot of times and says she doesn't want to live long because she's old (which is not true). There are many things she's done and said in my childhood. Basically she never loved me but was possessive about me at the same time. Especially she hated me because she hates my dad (they don't have a good marriage). She saw me as a glue that kept them together..She told me when I was 8 or 9 that her husband loves her because of me or something of tht sort. Since then, I've felt like she sees me as a medium to feel loved by her abusive husband. Sometimes I felt like she faked love to me in front of him. She always declined coming to PTA meetings because I make her feel ashamed. Once threatened in words to kill me when I was 8 yo. I took it quite seriously back then n got scared. Now she tells it was only an anger talk and how can a mother kill daughter..how did i believe it? But isn't it obvious a child of that age will take it seriously. i obviously did not know at that age that a mother is biologically connected etc. to think she wouldn't do it. She somehow started loving me when I started getting detatched from her in my teens. She started becoming possessive then. Until then, she only kept putting me down, calling me a useless like my father etc. Anyways, keeping all that aside and coming back to the marriage issue, I have a feeling my mother secretly is selfish in life and probably even jealous. Maybe she wants to see me be a failure, she is jealous of my youth, she doesn't want a man to love me but wants to get me married to a rich guy who will prove beneficial to her. Do mothers really want to see their children happy? or they look at them as a by product of their marital life and an agent of future security??? This is important to me because I will not trust her opinions and go with mine only when i am looking at marriage. I get a vibe she is least bothered about ME or how a guy will love/treat me in future.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (2 November 2016):
 Your mother is a sad, unhappy person who's had an unfulfilled life and she's projecting her anger, depression, frustrations, unfulfilled dreams and aspirations, sorrow and misery on to you. She equates marital happiness with money and she thinks that if you marry a rich man then you won't be lacking anything in life. This is what she wanted for herself and didn't get and now she wants it for you.
It's really terrible that she's behaved badly with you and that has scarred you in ways she hasn't even realized. You were her punching bag, the one she could say whatever she wanted to, without any resistance. She obviously couldn't express herself or her anger in front of your father or her parents or in-laws so you were the next best target. I bet you never retaliated like many kids would have and that gave her an even greater sense of power over you.
I don't think she's jealous of you OP. I think she's just deeply frustrated and unhappy with her own life and projects that on to you but that doesn't mean she wants you to be unhappy. She weaned you away from a bad relationship. She would never have done that if she wanted you to suffer. I also don't think she would want anything from you or your husband. Maybe a small gift here and there would make her happy but I doubt if she'd expect more. She wants you to marry into a rich family because she doesn't want you to suffer like she did. She sees money as a panacea.
I know it's easier said than done but don't let her get to you. Now as far as your own marriage is concerned, I firmly believe that you and only you should choose who you want to marry. It's your life, your choices, your happiness, and ultimately your should be responsible for the path that you choose. I hope you're working/studying away from home and your paths don't cross with your parents everyday. If you're not, then this is the first step towards your independence.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (2 November 2016):
 I think, first and foremost, you need to be guided by what YOU think about any future partners. While you can be guided by your parents (particularly your mother), you are the one who will have to build a long relationship with the man in question (and his family) so you are the one who needs to decide whether he is the right one for you.Don't dismiss the importance of financial security. Many relationships struggle/break down due to financial worries. While it should not be the top of the "tick list" for a future husband, how he will provide for you and any children you have needs to be considered.I think most mothers would want to see their daughters in a secure happy marriage. Your mother may also have selfish reasons for wanting you to marry someone well-off but, ultimately, it will be your choice on who you marry (at least, I hope so).
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