A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My fiance and I bought a house in July. Turns out, a woman he knew in high school (also friends with her family) lives 1 mile up the road. He hadn't seen her since high school, but when she found out where he lives, she stops to see him. She has a 16 year old son and remarried two years ago. Sometimes she comes with her son and husband, other times alone. We had them to dinner and she stuck by "Roy's" side, never acknowledging me. I work evening shift and last Saturday night when I got home, he told me she had stopped in. I was fine with it, until I saw wine cooler bottles in the trash. I have confronted him, he has offered no apology or explanation except to say that he was working in the yard and didn't feel good so he came in. After he came in she stopped in with the wine coolers so they sat on the back deck and drank them. He justified this by saying her son was with her. I asked him if he even once thought about what I might think and he began to yell. Things had been fine until last night when I told him that it bothered me again. Once again, he began to yell and told me that he doesn't have to answer to anyone but himself. He even went as far to tell me that if my self esteem was so low and I was so insecure that I could leave. At that point, I went to sleep in the guest bedroom and told him that I may consider that option. What do you think? Does he have something to hide?
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female
reader, Christine82  +, writes (17 May 2010):
A difficult one. I think that there was probably nothing in it whatsoever. Has there ever been anything between the two of them?
If not then why do you think there is now?
Maybe you and your husband need to sit down and calmly tell him how you feel. You may well just be Reading too much into things but then that's something that you really need to deal with because that will only lead to him ending your relationship. Good luck
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 May 2010):
 One word. Nanny-cam. Get one of those units that videotapes the nanny to make sure she isn't abusing the baby. It's horrible and sneaky and a real invasion of privacy. But if you are this worried and freaked out, maybe this will either confirm your fears or prove them unfounded.Be very cognizant that this is not a nice or easily defensible tactic, however. I feel kind of bad for suggesting it, but it seems to me to be the most practical way of finding out if something inappropriate is going on.Of course, if you can't communicate with him in an adult manner, then you might rethink the whole marriage thing. I mean, isn't the whole point of being part of a couple that you ARE actually answerable to another human being? The one you're proposing to spend the rest of your life with?
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A
female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (17 May 2010):
 I think not, Tasteof...*WHY* should she tippy-toe around carefully orchestrating matters so as not to "fuel the fire/forbidden fruit" thing. Is this an ADULT man and future equitable partner or a child with bad habits to break?
1.) So what if you fight fire with gasoline? Making friends with the problem isn't a sensible solution!
2.)If he can buy real estate, he's old enough to be responsible for his own behavior. PERIOD.
3.) If he can't govern himself properly and in a seemly manner when your back's turned, then when, exactly, shall he begin doing so?
4.)If he's already inviting trouble through the door with utter disregard for your feelings, what's to say that this is an isolated incident and not a behavior pattern?
5.) If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck...then it's probably a duck!
Lastly, do yourself the favor of not tolerating this load of bovine waste!
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (15 May 2010):
 Maybe there's something going on, but I'm guessing there's not. What I am suspecting is that maybe he's excited about seeing an ex-girlfriend and reconnecting and maybe he's got a tiny crush or is enjoying the rush of feelings that he hasn't experienced in awhile. Some female attention and some old memories.
While all of this is natural and can be okay from afar (in my book), it is something that he needs to start being aware of and not in denial of. So, tell him that it's not cool if she's coming over when you don't know and you're not home. Regardless of her son being there, it makes you uncomfortable and feels sketchy. I don't think that banning them from seeing each other will help - in fact, that may just fuel the fire. Maybe invite them to a BBQ (the whole family) or some big family event, because if she is truly a friend then it seems okay that they see each other sometimes. I wouldn't recommend making their friendship "forbidden", because forbidden fruit is that much more tempting.
What you two really need to do is talk, you need to be less confrontational and he needs to be waaayyy less defensive. Both of you need to be much more understanding - he probably is acting like this because he feels a little guilty. So try to be warmer and easier to talk to (even if you're - understandably - a little ticked off), and hopefully he can be totally honest. Then, practice your trust of each other. Good luck, sweetness!!
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A
male
reader, True +, writes (15 May 2010):
I doubt he has anything hiding from you and i doubt he would cheat on you, but he shouldnt of yelled and say "I dont have to answer to anyone but himself." was a bad call on his part because as husband and wife do or atleast should answer eachother and you should talk to eachother about such things even if you do trust him, and heres a trick if he starts yelling at you don't yell back just talk calmly and softly this will cause him to tone down a bit.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (14 May 2010):
 Considering that these incidents have been her coming down to your house, he may not. She just may have a thing for him. He may still hold some feelings for her but that doesn't mean he'd ever act on them. Have you ever had any other reason to not trust him? His feelings may just be hurt that you don't trust him.
I'm not saying there is a 100% chance he's not hiding something because he may be, but I just don't think it's definite. Her on the other hand, I wouldn't trust. It's your house and he's your husband... she should respect that.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 May 2010):
 I agree with CaringGuy. However it might be nothing, so I would honestly observe and trust your gut instincts.
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A
female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (14 May 2010):
I'd say there's not enough information here to render verdict on hiding something or not. I know everyone is different on this type of issue. So I'm offering you what I already know is highly subjective advice. Myself, I'm very hardcore on this type of "innocent friend with no agenda" nonsense. I'd be asking why an old high school acquaintance feels the compunction to stop by and see my husband while I'm not there and why she tries to pretend you don't exist if you are. Combined, these are warning indicators. If she SEEMS to be up to no good, then chances are she IS up to no good. You know how men never seem to see or want to see it or actually admit to seeing it til it's too late, I'm sure. I would NOT allow my husband to throw this back in my lap as if it were all my problem with an imaginary issue, it's NOT an obscure nor imagined issue if you're sleeping in the guest room over it OR it's developed into a point of contention wherein ultimatums are being bandied about as serious options. Were I you, I'd entertain letting wine-cooler-girl know just where the proverbial buck does you-know-what in the proverbial woods. Like: Hey toots, *MY* house, *MY* husband there are some rules to be observed here and they go like this..... If she's not woman enough to respect your territory and he's not man enough to respect you properly, then I think you have your answer. Or soon will have. Good luck with this.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (14 May 2010):
Oh yes. His whole attitude towards it suggests that he has something to hide I'm afraid. He outbursts and his very weak excuse reek of guilt. But you have no real proof, so before you confront him again, do a bit more digging.
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