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Does my boyfriend have commitment issues? He won't change his address

Tagged as: Dating, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 March 2017) 9 Answers - (Newest, 5 April 2017)
A female United States age 26-29, *etsylove writes:

My boyfriend and I have been living together for almost a year, but he hasn't changed his address with the post office.

He is still picking up mail at his parents house. We moved in together June 2016. Last weekend I mentioned it and he said, "that way when you kick me to the curb I won't have to worry about it."

I didn't care before because I thought he just hadn't gotten around to it. Now that I know he apparently doesn't trust me either I'm a little sad and definitely have less faith in our relationship than I did before.

Side note: this man is my dream guy. He has the most positive attitude and is loving and attentive. We clicked immediately and I haven't had that with anyone else before. I have a 4-year old daughter who lives with us so moving in with him was major for me and now it doesn't even feel like he wants to make a tiny little commitment.

Am I overreacting?

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (5 April 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntI don't see it as a big deal. Its his mail going to his parents, no big deal.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (30 March 2017):

I think it's what comes in the mail that he may not want you to see. Just kidding!

To be honest, I think it's more due to procrastination and laziness. He knows how simple it is. At the beginning, it may have been true he was waiting to see if you'd kick him out once you lived together awhile.

Don't overthink this issue, simply ask him to do it and leave it alone. I think there are more serious issues to deal with in a new relationship. Is his name on the lease?

If it isn't, it's only optional to get his mail there.

I've known cases where people maintain an old mailing address to keep the cost of their car insurance and property taxes cheaper. Does he pay his bills on time? He may be avoiding creditors. Just have one last discussion about it, and tell him it makes you feel very uneasy.

If he still won't change it. Feel more uneasy!

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (30 March 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntSounds more like insecurity (or even cynicism) than a fear of commitment. Does he perhaps have a history of being dumped by his partners? Or has he perhaps never had a serious relationship before and can't believe things are going so well?

My only other thought is that he is getting mail he does not want you to know about. Is he perhaps being chased for any debt?

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (30 March 2017):

YouWish agony auntOH!! BE CAREFUL with this one.

You live in the US, so there's absolutely no hassle with address changes. It's free, and when done online, the mail starts at the new location within 1 day.

There's only one reason why he's hiding his mail from you, and it has nothing to do with commitment. If he had ACTUAL commitment issues, then he wouldn't have moved in with you.

Way back pre-internet, kids used to go to the mail to hide their report cards if their grades were bad. Adults hide hidden credit card bills, legal documents, stuff that might show that he used to have a different name, bank statements, maybe hidden money he has, a hidden medical condition, a hidden marriage or divorce, you name it!

He's hiding his mail because he's hiding what's IN his mail, and I'm guessing that he's worried that one day you're going to discover he's up to his eyeballs in debt or that he's a sex offender and kick him to the curb.

This isn't romantic, but it's time to do a serious background check on Romeo. Consider what comes to you via snail mail other than utilities, and consider that what he knows, his mother also knows. Why is he still living with his parents, provided that he's around your age, out of college and hopefully in a career by now.

Also, if his secret is that he is a sex offender and you have a young daughter, DO THE BACKGROUND CHECK, because that is the #1 way that molesters get their children - by starting a relationship with their mother.

This is not a commitment issue, or he would not be living with you, period.. This is something else entirely.

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A female reader, fishdish United States +, writes (30 March 2017):

fishdish agony auntIt sounds like he might feel insecure like you're too good for him.is there reason he might feel like this? Something with the father of your child? I think I'd ask him to explain more and assure him that you're in it for the long haul.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2017):

I would say it is more a fear and insecurity issue rather than committment. Although there might be a little of everything mixed together. It is always hard for the person coming into YOUR house, it doesnt really feel like home for quite a while...not your fault just how it is when you are the outsider coming in to a pre-established place, likely with pre established rules and ways of doing things. Be patient and reassure him that he belongs. Show him it is as much his place as yours.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (30 March 2017):

Honeypie agony auntHave there been arguments lately? Or does he reason to feel this way?

I'd say it's not really about commitment - he LIVES with you and (I presume) help with bills, the child and chores.

Either he was SORT of joking or he was serious about feeling like this is NOT really HIS home, but HIM living with you. Maybe because he moved from his parents straight in with you. And maybe because he isn't 100% sure this will last.

I would NOT sell the house (if you own it) and buy one with him. Because? You two are not married and sharing a house can become OVERLY complicated in case of a split up.

Personal? I don't really SEE the big issue of WHERE his mail goes. UNLESS some of your shared bills are in HIS name. If he is a bit insecure about it lasting or not - then LET him go pick up his mail at his parent's house.

I think YOU are actually making a bigger deal out of this than need be. I don't think he does it because he isn't committed or doesn't love the two of you, but picking up his mail (and maintaining THAT as his address) work for him.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2017):

Does he drive? Does he have a drivers license? Does he pay any utility bills? Is his name on any utility bill, the mortgage, the rent, anything that shows he lives at that address?

His very odd and rather unfeeling remark, that when you kick him to the curb he won't have to worry about it, suggests that he has some issues. What did he say when you asked him about it?

If you haven't talked about this with him, why not? You say he's a good man so why couldn't you discuss this with him as he is so loving and attentive?

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A male reader, Denizen United Kingdom +, writes (29 March 2017):

Denizen agony auntIf it's a matter of trust you will have to be patient. I take it the house is in your name? Kicking him out is a real option? Is that correct?

You could decide to own the house jointly - put both your names on the lease and both pay the mortgage, rent or whatever. If you already own the house outright then buy a new home together. That would prove his commitment.

If you already pay all the bills together then his response about kicking him out is spurious and you should press for a serious reply.

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