A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Person A: my husband. married for less than 3yrs, together for longer than 10. my bestfriend. opposite personality. my enabler in co-dependent relationship. always felt that something was missing.Person B: co-worker who I had an instant connection with (never had that with my husband), intellectually, hobbies, spiritually etc. met him when I was planning to divorce my husband. he advised me not to and to work on my marriage instead. i like him a lot (and he said liked me too) but I ended it before it got worse and because I wanted to really figure out my marriage. for a brief period, he made me feel like im on top of the world just by being with him. (lasted 3mos, very early stages of an emotional affair). Currently, I'm separated for a month now. All I know is that A is someone I care about but don't love as much as he loves me. B is someone I wish I could be with but I don't know if I'll have a future with. I miss B and would like to talk to him again but I know I shouldn't so part of me wants to talk to A to ease the pain of loneliness but I know that is wrong because I have not decided to go back to him and don't want to mislead him until I am sure of my feelings. Is it possible that I miss B because it is fresh and that feeling will just die (even if it's been 8mos. since we said goodbye)? Or could it be that I really just have stronger feelings for him than I ever did with my husband?I've decided that I will not leave my husband just to be with this guy bec. that is wrong BUT I do want to know if I ever really loved my husband to begin with. I can't seem to identify my feelings if it is love or friendship. Does missing someone else other than your partner mean you love that person more? (Hope I make sense. Sorry. If you have tips on how to know if you love that person, please share. My problem is i've only been with this guy for so long and didn't know I could meet someone like B until he came along.)
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFunny that you suggested weekly dates because that is exactly what we have started to do. Since I've separated with him, I only meet him weekly. My observations, the longer we are alone together, the more we fight. So we are trying to see each other but in a shorter timeframe, hopefully we can focus more on the positives than the negatives. I will keep you all posted how this turns out. Thank you for your advice.
A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (21 April 2015):
 There's no easy way to answer your question of "How will I know if I love him?"
It's good that he's agreed to attend counselling with you.
If you don't already do it, have a "date" night each week where you go out together doing something you both enjoy. It will give you a chance to have fun together, reconnect, talk about things again and hopefully start building a closeness that's been missing for so long.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (20 April 2015):
 I don't think you have WASTED your time with your husband, IT has just been a LONG lesson.
Look at what you have learned about you! Look at how you have WORKED on you.
Yes, marrying him was not the right thing FOR you, and maybe not for him either. And maybe you have learned that doing things to PLEASE others is NOT always in YOUR best interest. Doesn't mean you WASTED that time.
Maybe counseling will help you two as a couple, maybe it will help you two move on together or by yourselves. Either way, HE has recognized that HE needs to step up, even though he isn't really listening to you - he has in the past just dismissed it as "nagging" which I call BS on - WANTING to spend more time together is NOT nagging, it's EXPRESSING a need. And I hope the counselor can get through to your husband that he is NOT meeting your needs AT all. If he/she can't, then AT LEAST you two tried.
How will you know if you love him? If you can SEE yourself growing old with him. At least that is how it feels to me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your advice. Honeypie, my husband knew how I had doubts before marrying him, he begged me not to leave him and so I went through with it hoping that I'd make him happy even when I was going through some stage of depression in my life then. Throughout the marriage, I was vocal about how unhappy I was and wanted us to spend more time together but he ignored me because he was tired of my "nagging", for bringing up my unhappiness in the marriage over and over again. Finally, I decided to focus on myself because. Maybe I am the reason for being unhappy. Not him. During that process I realized a lot of things. I've been seeing a counselor, attending group sessions, praying about it, and doing activities I myself enjoy (things I wanted to do with my husband but he didn't want to) and I've been happier. Part of me doesn't want to lose my husband because he is my best friend but I think our incompatibility (which I was aware of before) is finally taking a toll on me because I'm tired of pulling him to where I want to go whereas he is very content with what he has. I am not. The only thing that is keeping me from divorcing him is finding out if I can still love him and picture being happy in a marriage knowing it's not what I wish it to be. My feelings for B is clouding my heart even if there's no real future there, I know. But I'm also realizing I'd rather be alone than be miserable in a marriage.My husband finally agreed to a marriage counseling so we'll see. My encounters with him is very emotional - sometimes ok but mostly ends with an argument. I'm just sad to have made this problematic relationship last this long and wasted his time. He could've been with someone who could treated and loved him better. I tried to love my partner all these years but I don't think it was enough and if I can anymore. You were right, I was cold to have married him knowing I'm not sure if I was ready or if I really loved him. But then, maybe, just maybe, I'm confused right now with my feelings for my husband. How will I know if I love him? If this is true love?
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (20 April 2015):
Your feelings are stronger partly because it's the excitement and fantasy of someone new who seems so perfect.
You need to put this person out of the picture if you're to have any hope of sorting out your marriage. Go to marriage counselling if you need to. Do whatever it takes to try to make it work.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (20 April 2015):
I don't think it means you LOVE them more. You love the IDEA of B more than A.
You were already disillusioned and unhappy with A when you met B, B seemed liked a breath of fresh air. It is EASY enough to fall for someone NEW when what you have is stale and making us unhappy.
B was supportive, but had his own ulterior motives, at least he TRIED to not create MORE negativity in your life than you already had.
A was no longer supportive, at least not in the way you might have NEEDED him to be. And maybe, he didn't KNOW because YOU didn't tell him, instead you reached out to someone new.
Some people start up a new "relationship" before they are done with the old, because it is EASIER then trying to fix what's broken. The analogy is, the handle break of your favorite mug, you set that aside BUY a new mug and you start to wonder why you were so attached to the old mug. Other people gets out the glue and fixes the mug, it even turns out better for some reason.
Focus on you and getting the divorce done.
Did you love your husband? I should hope so, otherwise marrying him is pretty cold. But you might have married him for the "wrong" reason, you might have "settled" for your husband. 10 years together? I think there MUST have been some love in there. What you might have been lacking was real compatibility.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2015): Sorry I can't help you but I'm very I terested to see the answers as I am in a similar situation. I have been in love with another man for 18mth. I ended it with him because he is overseas and I'm trying to give it another with my marriage .
Now the other man hates me and I'm totally miserable
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