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Does love happen when u stop looking for it?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 July 2017) 7 Answers - (Newest, 9 July 2017)
A female United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Has anyone had bad luck left and right in dating - I feel like I'm at my end of trying that I just don't know if there is such a thing if the universe aligning u with someone - I've tried online- abstinence - a one night stand - a relationship and just about everything in between - now we're at the self reflection stage (2year mark with no sex) and it feels lonely and impossible to find a nice man- anyone have any idea if maybe "what is meant to be will be?"

I've been told (and I'm not trying to be vain) that I am a pretty girl - and I can get dates - but it seems impossible to find a kind hearted man. Deep down I feel like a vunreabke soul and for some reason I attract the oppositte( selfish) and self centered men

Should I breathe and think what's meant for me will be?

View related questions: one night stand

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A female reader, chigirl Norway +, writes (9 July 2017):

chigirl agony auntYes. Breathe and think "what's mean to be will be". Really, life is something that happens to you, not something you choose. Well, for most of us anyway. We can not plan it. We have to just go along and see what's around the next corner.

Perhaps though, you are being a bit pessimistic about the prospects. I don't know how you determine whether a man is a good man or not, but there is such a thing as having too high standards and not seeing people for who they really are because you have already decided you will not like them. Many negative experiences does chip away at ones hopes and ability to blindly trust someone new. But still, trust is NOT something that should be earned, not from the go. Trust is something you must give. The risk is seeing whether your trust is betrayed, or if the one you give trust will take care of your heart and not stomp on it. That's the risk of love. And if you don't put your heart out there, and you don't give away trust from the go, you will not get a chance at finding love either.

To allow yourself to love someone means taking that risk. So when the next chance comes along, unless you see red flags waiving, give trust and see what happens.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2017):

The more you have down 100% what you want it evades you. The more you expect or want this thing in life to happen it seems to attract the opposite. You have to be detached from the outcome and it will find you.

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A male reader, Capri2 Argentina +, writes (9 July 2017):

I constantly see women in your situation. And what I see in those cases (not sure about you) is they keep dating good looking, attractive, outspoken men. Sadly those guys are usually players. Do yourself this question: is the kind of guy I'm looking for the same kind of guy I was looking for when I was nineteen?

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (8 July 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntSweetheart, some of us have to kiss a lot of frogs before we find our prince. Some find their prince early on in life, only to discover he is really still a frog underneath. Some are desperate enough not to want to be alone that they will settle for the first frog that comes along, regardless of how unlike a prince he is.

You now know what you DON'T want in a partner. You are looking for a kind hearted man so give yourself the best chance of finding one by hanging out where such men are most likely to hang out. Have you thought about doing some voluntary work? Where does your passion lie? What about helping out with your local homeless shelter, or animal rescue? You will meet new friends, some of whom will hopefully be men. The best relationships (IMO) start off as friendships. You get to know the person first and decide whether you like them, then you know what you are letting yourself in for.

Good luck. I hope you find what you are looking for.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2017):

When finding love feels like a mission, a manhunt, or an exercise in futility; you're trying too hard. You're acting out of desperation. Haste makes waste!

You're trying to force what happens randomly and inadvertently, to happen according to a set time-table.

The typical "sense of entitlement" approach. "I want it, and I want it now" simply isn't applicable in reality. It's a spoiled-child mindset, and only adds to your frustration.

Sweetheart, if it was only that simple. It's a matter of timing and a series of events that lead to an eventual match. It's a process of selection and elimination; so there will be several misses. Doesn't mean you can't still have fun. Exploring different personality-types and races.

You can continue to make warm and friendly connections; while making yourself visible and available. That's basically all you should do. Continue dating when you can, and just enjoy the company. Stop vying for the alter.

What about my biological clock? Love doesn't care about your clock. You may find a man, marry, get pregnant, hate him, have horrible kids; and love might not show up until you're divorced and in your 60's! Three husbands later!

Love is a spontaneous emotion which cannot be forced. Making friends helps keep you in practice and hones your interactive-skills. Most people lack them, and sadly don't know it. All we know is; we want what we want, when we want it. How long do I have to wait?

As long as it takes. You can't force a tree to instantly bear fruit, you can't force yourself to grow taller, and you can't force love to happen before it is your turn. I don't care what you see happening for others. Your time hasn't come yet. It will, you just don't get to predict it.

You, me, and everybody reading this; will get lonely and go on a hunt and search to find a mate for a permanent-fixture. We want to stop being lonely, have someone to call our boyfriend or girlfriend, and do lovey-dovey things together.

We get date-weary, frustrated, sick, and tired. Sorry, but that's just too bad! Such is life! C'est la vie!

Life is unpredictable and love is evasive. You can find people, but that chemistry will not and cannot be forced. So here comes a word of advice that is shunned throughout the universe.

Be patient.

Like treasure, good people to love are hard to find. You can be as impatient as you want, or just settle for a hot mess; but it comes when it's your time. You see all your friends and acquaintances holding hands, carrying bouquets to the alter, and pushing strollers. Yeah, while they're longing to be free, get some sleep, and wishing they had the house all to themselves like they used to.

Too many folks rush into relationships thinking it will cure loneliness; and will find you can still feel lonely living with someone 24/7. People seem to forget to check their own baggage at the door. They carry doom and mayhem piggyback into their relationships, like suicide-bombers.

Now a dose of reality here. The relationship matures, the honeymoon-phase passes, and the reality of life sets in. You are now in an eternal-partnership and you have to work to keep it going. You'll sleep with the same person from now on. You'll get tired of each other, and get in each others way. Think about the one that got-away. Some will cheat.

Use this time to rest your mind. You can always do with some self-improvement and enlightenment. Travel, and expand your horizons. Focus on living, and other things fall into place.

You are young, you have life, and you have you. Be grateful for the gift of life and make the best of it. Being a wife wasn't all you were born to be. So many women rush into marriage, take on shitty boyfriends, push out babies, and regret it. Looking into mirrors wondering where time went.

The intelligent female anonymous writer below is dead-on. Take a breather. Destiny will eventually bring you to love, because everyone gets their chance. There may be a few things in your destiny requiring attention first; which will lead the way to love; and eventually to marriage and a family.

Fulfill those things you want to do, and should do, before marriage. When time and opportunity will become limited.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2017):

You've taken a two year time out for self-reflection. I say that's long enough. Hopefully you've set some rules for yourself that will help you decide what is good for you in order to do some weeding out of who to date.

There are no guarantees in life so just live it. I don't buy that "love comes to you when you're not looking for it", but I do think if you stop over-analyzing yourself and situation you might attract better men. You'll seem more confident and self-possessed. If you have extra time try volunteering for something that you care about. You may meet someone who is kind and caring.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2017):

Definitely take a breather!

Although looks count in many ways it is often the kind of interactions you initiate or respond to that define the relationship.

Most people have a bit of personal emotional baggage accrued by the time they are in their thirties!

What the baggage is depends largely on the circumstances of their life prior to meeting you.

So if you take time out of relationships you also drop a load of inherited baggage which never hurts on life's long journey!

Oddly enough that is often a quality that draws people to you.

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