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Does he actually love me or what? And why does he stay?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 November 2009) 3 Answers - (Newest, 9 November 2009)
A female age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I don't get my boyfriend. We have been together for 3 years. I love him deeply, even though we have issues. Mostly because he dislikes my past and because I lied about it in the beginning of the relationship, but immediately afterwards (like two minutes after the lie) I came clean. He became obsessed with my past (which is exactly why I lied, to avoid that drama). Sometimes I feel like he thinks I still cherish past lovers, even though I never mention them or think about them. I don't even talk to them. But sometimes he pushes the subject and he makes me feel like that, like he thinks he's inferior to them or something, although he always acts overconfident and tells me he can't believe I got with such awful jerks. That I have no standards, etc. Basically he takes it out on me by making me feel bad about my past. I don't know if it's because he's jealous, hurt, disgusted... he just tells me it makes him angry that I betrayed his trust and that I was kind of a whore before. He always thinks I might cheat, or that I'm flirting with other guys, although this is unfounded. It's like he thinks that just because I meet a new guy I'll want to screw him.

Anyway, over the years this has got much better for some periods (in which he's loving, affectionate, and seems very happy and talks about marriage), sometimes there are lows, but lately it's just unbearable.

He criticizes me for EVERYTHING lately. I honestly think he overreacts sometimes. For instance, yesterday I posted something on this guy's facebook (we both know him). And he got upset and told me that my posts weren't funny, and that if I was going to post boring stuff, then I should refrain from posting. Yesterday everything was fine, until I mentioned how I hate that facebook always has suggestions to add profiles of porn stars or busty girls that are almost naked (I feel self conscious of my small boobs and he knows). He got upset, even though I wasn't attacking him, and told me I was stupid for complaining over something that wouldn't change. Also, he wanted me to create a logo for our band, I made one, and he didn't like it and told me I could get nothing right and that he would do it. Also, when I play guitar if I play one chord wrong, he tells me I suck, etc. When I tell him that I feel really hurt by how he treats me, he always relates it to the past and tells me that what do I expect if I have made so many mistakes? That his patience doesn't last forever. That these are the consequences of screwing up over and over during these last three years. He makes me feel inferior, like I'm not good enough. It's so different from the loving, caring, sweet guy he was in the beginning, he treated me like a princess and he was the complete opposite. I want that back!

On Saturday he was so affectionate, so loving, he told me he loved me and that he wanted to marry me, that he didn't meant all that had happened the days prior and that he was sorry. Yet yesterday one little comment about facebook girls and he flipped, and it seems like he forgot everything he'd told me the night before and suddenly he says he feels like he hates me sometimes, that I'm unpleasant, boring, etc. Then at night I told him that if he really felt that way, then he better end the relationship right away. That if he didn't, then he better tell me what he wants because I'm no mind reader and if he wants the relationship to work then he needs to help me too.

He said that I pressure him too much and that all he wants is peace and tranquil. I pressure him too much?! Over what? Anyway, he said if I let him be and all then it'd get better, but I'm not a nagging bitch or anything! If anything I'm always trying to please him, it's just that it never seems to be enough.

I'm at a loss here. Does he actually love me or what? And why does he stay? I mean I gave him the opportunity to break up with me, so it's not like he's trying to let me down gradually. Is there a solution to this? I truly love him, and even though it hurts me deeply that he treats me this way, I wish he'd change. I wish he'd turn back to being the loving guy he was in the beginning. I'm driving myself crazy, because I don't know if this is my fault or his. I mean I know I've made mistakes, but am I really in the wrong? I fear so. I fear that he'd be happier with any other woman, that he'd put up with their mistakes and be more forgiving. I feel that somehow it's me that's terribly flawed for him, and not that he has unrealistic expectations. Like I'm the one with the problem, because I lied and shouldn't have lied and because I've become too insecure, so that makes me an awful girlfriend and person. Does that make sense? What can I do?

View related questions: boobs, facebook, flirt, insecure, jealous, period, porn

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A female reader, sighingsoftly United States +, writes (9 November 2009):

Are you sure you truly love him? or you are used to being around him? just confortable? What if someone that treated u like a princess came around.

Imo you should straight tell him that you dont like that and tha ti hurts you. If he is not willing to change that...well are you willing to spend your life being trated like that? ;)

Doesnt matter what you did on the past if he is with you that means he accpets you HOW you are with your past and EVERYTHING. If he cant deal with it its his loss and if he is not willing to change you should really consider trying to move on he seems to be really taking your for granted.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2009):

This totally makes sense, it sounds to me like he is jelous of your past, the fact that you lied is obviously not a good thing but at least you came clean about it. Ive been with my boyfriend two years and i know that people get to comfortable with their partners and end up taking them for granted, this then makes the relationship boring, and more like a planned life. You want to surprise him, make him a homecooked meal, romantic candles, then an intense session of sex, remember to whisper to him that you love him, he will remember how good being with you is. Scream his name during sex to reassure him you are thinking of him and nobody else. Hes obviously insecure about your relationship and by the sounds of it he doesnt want to loose you, he wants to make sure that you and him are the only people in your relationship, go out spontaneously, makes sure you talk to him about how you feel. Reassure him you love him. I hope this helps and good luck, you need to fight for your relationship, you dont want to throw away 3 years over this. xx

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2009):

Everyone has a past, and quite frankly no one should be putting you down for it or making you feel like it's your fault for having one. You've been honest about it and it sounds like you've done a lot to make him feel safe and secure. He does not have any right to be putting you down like that or criticizing your every action or making you feel like you're the one to blame here. You aren't! Quite frankly, this is his problem and chances are it runs a lot deeper than being insecure about whatever is in your past.

My ex and I had this exact same relationship. I hid things about my past from him, then felt bad and told him, and he reacted the same way. I let him act that way towards me for about a year and a half longer until I finally decided that enough was enough. He became controlling and manipulative, I felt like he was a parent, not a boyfriend. Breaking up with him took a lot of courage, and yes sometimes I think "what if," but he's always there to try and put me down again, reminding me why I'm not with him.

Bottom line is, you aren't an awful girlfriend, and you are definitely not a bad person at all! Ask yourself if you really want someone making you feel this way for the rest of your life.

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