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Does anyone act this way after a break up?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Social Media<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (22 May 2017) 3 Answers - (Newest, 23 May 2017)
A female United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Does anyone have this pattern of having on to an ex until someone else comes along- I have never "truly" gotten over someone until I got someone else. Example - my ex and this wasn't a long relationship left me- he did it in a disrespectful way and looking at it a year later through therapy this man was just a self center cold hearted man- there was nothing I could have done to prevent his actions BUT I still get chills looking at his social media- I'm embrassed of this- it's not like I am hoping to get back with him but I see him with a new woman posting these lovely dovey pics and I don't know why it bothers me- in my head I go over what does she have that I don't? Is he treating her better - even though my therapist says a.cheetah never changes it's spots I still wonder- does anyone else do this? I am trying for the first time to resolve these issues with myself before I meet anyone but it's hard - I can finally be logical and understand that even though I was so nice to this man he has no regards for kind acts and was only out for himself but I still wonder!

Does anyone have any tactics - I have stopped social media - I checked on him four moths ago but sometimes I still wonder- am I this pathetic to let this linger - usually people understand that when someone does something bad and treats relationships like they are nothing but disposable they run from this person - why can't I just get over it??

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (23 May 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI think, up on till a point, that it's "normal" behavior to question WHY someone treated you like crap.

I think it's universal (as in both men and women think this way) that after a relationship ends we rehash certain events, think back, wanting to do over some of our OWN actions in HOPES that it would either a. change the outcome (break up) or b. change the other person.

It's not that you don't "get" he was a bad match or person - it's that you don't get it WASN'T your "fault" he was one.

Instead of thinking WHAT did I do "wrong"? you need to start thinking WHAT can I learn from that mess? HOW can I avoid being in THAT kind of situation again?

Looking him up online, it's not healthy but not uncommon either. Just remember the LONGER you do this, the longer he lives RENT FREE in your head. THE longer you hold yourself back from LEARNING that lesson and moving on.

Accept that YOU made a mistake in dating him, and that hopefully what you will take away from that relationship is that you WILL NOT date a guy like that again.

And don't RELY on a guy to "cure" you of your last relationship, BE OVER a guy 100% before dating a new one. Don't drag around all that baggage.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway +, writes (23 May 2017):

chigirl agony aunt"usually people understand that when someone does something bad and treats relationships like they are nothing but disposable they run from this person"

No, you're wrong about this. You would think this way, that if people get treated poorly, they will leave. If someone you just met, on date number one, decided to be a dickhead towards you and put you down or even give you a smack across the face, you would never see this person again. You would probably even report this person to the police. But what happens is that you develop feelings for the person. And the abuser/negligent person starts off by being a charmer, and then the poor treatment evolves slowly. Little by little. And so little at a time that you start to question whether you are imagining it or not, and maybe it was your own fault, and maybe he was right in treating you this way, and maybe you exaggerated etc etc etc.

Normal people in unhealthy relationships do not run. Sadly, the normal reaction is to stay and try to fix things. Normal and gentle and caring people expect that others around them are equally normal, caring and gentle. So they start to search for reasons for why the one they love treats them poorly. They start to excuse their partners behavior. They start to blame themselves.

You are behaving exactly like any normal person would, when having been in such a bad relationship and being neglected and treated like they are disposable. The longer you stayed with him, the less you had left of self respect and your sense of what is normal has been shifted. Right now you are trying your best to figure out how to cope on your own, and how to define yourself based on YOUR terms, and not his. How to value yourself, how to love yourself independent of a man. How to not need his, or anyone else's, approval. How to accept that you are good enough as you are.

It's not easy to go through this. And don't start thinking that everyone else seems to move on just fine. Everyone else didn't go through what you went through. Some relationships you can move on from without much difficulty. The good relationships that ended on friendly terms, for instance, where you just agreed that you weren't a good match after all. But relationships that involved any form of abuse, being psychological abuse or physical abuse, takes a lot longer to heal from.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2017):

Don't beat yourself up out of warp sense of curiosity, lots of people do it . I don't have social media so therefore couldn't .but I know of my gf having done this when they break up . However; you are now finding it damaging, it affects how you value yourself, your gauging yourself against a pic of another smiling female .. let's think this through. At the beginning you probably were that smiling female; as he hadn't shown his true colours to you at the start . Plus let's be honest, social media want to just present a certain face to the world ; that of happiness and I'm better than you kinda thing .. this this I stress to you... isn't true .. she is not better than you. ( though could be a lovely girl ) you saw him for his true colours, selfish, cold, and the relationship didn't work out .

Now I think you need to complete erase this man.. delete social media if you have too .. or set a list up on side computer what your allowed to do . Put on it no checking his page . Read it every time before putting on computer . If you do check don't beat yourself just come right off . That's your punishment . No computer for the day . Something like that . Get an elastic band and every time and place on your wrist every time you think of this guy .. give it a ping .. it's called negative control therapy ..

Get out with friends and family and plus start flirting .. flirting doesn't have to be over the top . It can be with anyone and it's good for them and for you . I flirt with my bro in law friends they are all gay but hey they love it I let them know there looking good ; and they do the same it's appreciating the outer coating: . You can do this with starangers, as long as it not ott or anything smile be chatty flirt a little on passing . Honestly it will put a smile on their faces as well as your own .

You need to leave this negative thoughts behind .

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