A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hi....i would like to thank everyone in advance for replies. My ex whom i adore still rings me most days.....pops in to see me.....helps me with jobs.....we have tea together and his body language suggests he has strong feelings for me. He says he doesnt know what he wants, he appears to be depressed after an acute illness, this really seems to have changed him. We both have this week as a holiday but because we had split up i arranged to go to Dubai to see my family out there. He is going to his mothers house to do jobs...he seemed gutted that i booked this break.everytime he leaves he puts his arms round me and kisses me on the lips, do you think this break apart might actually bring us back together? We do have a big age difference but we get on really well. I dont want to lose him and cant get a definite answer as to why we split.
View related questions:
depressed, split up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2016): As I said, there may be temporary impotence caused by his illness, but he came clean about that. He isn't sure how long it will last; and it's hard to explain to someone you care for who wants to to make love to them, when you can't.
The reason for the split is he is recuperating and he isn't himself. You are correct to get on with your life. If he can't man-up and be totally candid about what's going on; you need not put your life on hold trying to read his mind, or figure him out.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi thank you all. I am away at the moment and not been in contact except for when he phoned me when i was at the airport. We agred beforehand it is too expensive to text whilst i am away.
he did seem gutted when i said our friendship would be purely platonic if hecouldnt commit to me.
I guess i just have to move on, i didnt see the end coming, i still havnt had a reason for the split apart from he doesnt want committment.
We had been going to go away for the weekend when we split.....he says he didnt want to share a bed with me due to his lack of libido from his illness....strange excuse i feel.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (19 April 2016):
 Okay so it sounds like you are both still very close and you both enjoy each others company. But what was it that broke you both up to begin with? Was it you or him? Am guessing it was him that ended the relationship.
It is true that people can get depressed after being ill, but that doesn't give him an excuse to break up with you yet still behave like you are together. Is he getting help for his depression? If it has changed him as a person well then I would be encouraging him to see someone so that he can get the help that he needs.
I am glad that you have arranged a trip away to see your family, I think the best thing that you can do is turn your phone off while there and spend some time thinking about what you want. This really is not a great situation to be in with an ex. It is simple either he wants you or not, he needs to decide that. But if you are still their then he doesn't need to label it yet as he is getting the best of both worlds, being single yet having you there as a crutch. You need to take a break and work out is this really what you want.
You say he seemed gutted you are going away and his body language suggests that he wants you, but does he actually tell you how he feels? Does he tell you he loves you? Why you are not together, the only way to fix a relationship is communication and to be honest with each other, distance won't work in your case. You need to discuss what you both want and where you stand.
If it was me I would not let him hug or kiss me, I would make yourself off limits and then maybe he will make more of an effort to get the relationship back on track. Next time he goes to kiss you, ask him why he does that when you are no longer together? It sounds like communication between you both has completely broken down. Maybe he is trying to keep you sweet so that you will have sex with him. Either way you both need to talk talk and TALK.
The age gap shouldn't matter as long as you are both adults and both want the same thing. You say you don't want to lose him, but honey you already have, he is no longer with you, and that to me suggests that you are the ex that is clinging on to hope and he is using this and using your company for his own benefits. He needs to decide what he wants and if he does not want to get back with you, then you need to break all contact to allow yourself time to heal. He won't even tell you why the relationship has ended this shows he has no interest in trying to make it work.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2016): Breaks in relationships often lead to breakups. If you don't maintain a flow of communication, that often leads to emotional shutdown. Only too often people rather avoid issues, than to face them head-on. It's to avoid drama and confrontation.
You have to make an agreement; if it's just a pause to cool tempers; or to handle some personal affairs, there had better be an understanding that it is only temporary. Sometimes you need a little isolation to deal with grief. It's not a good idea after a disagreement, or a heated argument. You have to make a peace treaty and check on each other, if it's just a cooling off period. In most instances, it's just a prelude to the breakup.
As a couple you have to reach a compromise and solve issues; or it's just a sneaky way to get out of a relationship. One person thinking you'll get back together at some point, while the other is contemplating a clean-break and plotting a clever exit-plan.
Acute illnesses sometimes causes brief periods of impotence. This is a very delicate issue men do not like to discuss with their partners. I just think you need to know if this is temporary or permanent. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst case scenario.
...............................
A
female
reader, TasteofIndia  +, writes (18 April 2016):
 Did he break up with you, and leave you without knowing the exact reason why?
As wrathykins says, you need to just be straight out with it. Are you together or not? If he says yes, great. If he says maybe, consider that a no. And if he says no, then you need to cut him out completely. If things remain like this, he could start to enjoy such a cushy position, while technically being single - so he gets to have his cake and eat it too, meanwhile you stay available to him for when he's ready to settle with you.
No, that's no kind of life for you to live. He can either have you completely or not at all. You should not be available as his backup plan, emotionally or romantically.
You know what they say - if you love it, set it free. Go to Dubai. Be with your family. Don't call him or text him or send him postcards. Use this holiday as time to reconnect with yourself, grieve for the ended relationship and as a jump off point for moving on.
Best of luck, sweets!
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (18 April 2016):
 Usually I don't believe in taking "breaks" in a relationship. To me that means people aren't willing or able to WORK through the tougher part and split up instead over and over.. And really... That just doesn't work long term.
In your case you two broke up. Was the reason for the break up an issue that can be fixed? Has it been resolved at all?
I think EVERY women (and man) should pay attention if someone they are "fooling" around with or dating... says the " I'm NOT ready to date". Because in your case he SAYS one thing (I'm not ready) yet he does things that MAKES you think he he at least interested. Very mixed signals. Or done on purpose.
Maybe he is just smooching up to you in hopes for some FWB/casual sex type relationship?
Go an enjoy visiting family.
And when you get back talk to him or decide to KEEP it platonic.
...............................
A
female
reader, wrathykins +, writes (18 April 2016):
 If you're not together, then there's obviously a reason for it.My ex broke up with me and we went on for a few months as normal, to try and work things out but in the end we just called it quits. This time away from each other will definatley make or break you. It's hard to break some habits, especially things you are used to doing with a person, say hugging and kissing. You need to sit him down at some point and give it to him straight. Are we together or not? I've been in that position and it's the scariest thing ever, knowing that you might have to go through alot of pain, but trust me, it's worth it in the end. It's not good for you or him, to not really know what's going on. Maybe have that conversation when you get back from Dubai.
...............................
|
