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Do you think that getting a hand job during a massage is really cheating?

Tagged as: Cheating, Marriage problems, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (20 October 2010) 17 Answers - (Newest, 22 October 2010)
A male United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I am a little bored and was intrigued by all the ads for Asian massage places and something called "table shower". My question to you all is do you think that getting a hand job during a massage is really cheating? It seems to me that it is not Materially different then the masseuse touching g the rest of your body. You don't enter her, or touch her, no kissing, no oral sex...just more rubbing with the hands.

I am a very religious person, as is my wife. Being Christian is at the center of our lives. i am thinking of asking her for permission to do this, but wanted to get the female reaction here first. On the other hand, maybe I should just Do it and not tell her? I would not mind if she has a female Asian do this to her. I would let her do it, or at least not get mad at her for just asking. Dang!

What do you all think?

View related questions: christian, hand-job, kissing, oral sex

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A female reader, Natalie:) United Kingdom +, writes (22 October 2010):

Natalie:) agony auntHow would you feel if your wife went to get a massage and got fingered? I think you'd be pretty upset.

Same thing.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2010):

I tend to agree with the majority. It isn't really acceptable and I'm sure your wife would be upset and/or angry if you asked her permission or suggested that she might like to try it. I know I would be upset and wonder why my husband needed to make an arrangement with a masseuse rather than with me.

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A female reader, dmartin89 United Kingdom +, writes (21 October 2010):

dmartin89 agony auntWhat makes you think that your wife wants some other person touching her that isn't her husband?

Its like saying "Why wont you let me sleep with other women? I will let you sleep with other guys!"

Its NOT THE POINT.

You have someone touching you intimately that isnt your wife, yes its cheating. Its not something that you have told her right? So you know you are doing the wrong thing.

I dont know a lot of good things about religion, but this certainly doesn't sound like Christianly behaviour to me.

How would you feel if a MALE Asian was in the next cubicle inserting his penis into your wife? I cant imagine you like the sound of that.

Go ask you wife if she is ok with this and let us know what she says.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2010):

Did you say you are a very religious person - obviously ONLY to the point it suits you. And sexual contact, whether by a masseuse or not, where you become sexually stimulated to the point of orgasm through PHYSICAL touch is adultery.

It is irrelevant whether your wife knows, and you being a ' Christian' I'm surprised that you don't refer to ' Thou shalt not commit adultery ' it is the act itself whilst it in the sanctity of marriage that completely goes against Christian belief or it's teachings.

Not too dissimilar to a previous United States president who denies having sexual relations outside his marriage, as he's been given oral sex..And about as ludicrous as you saying I would not mind if she has a female Asian do this to her" I NOTE you choose the GENDER of the provider of sexual release for your wife, you don't mention you wouldn't mind IF it was a HE, so does this mean you would object if MALE. but not FEMALE? And from this perspective, if it's OK ONLY for same sex relief by hand, I presume you're thinking of having a MALE masseuse!

Rhetorical!!

Jilly

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (21 October 2010):

eyeswideopen agony auntOkay, well I for one want you to ask her if you can go get wanked and then come right back here and tell us what she said.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2010):

Well, it wouldn't be cheating if you told your wife, but it would most definitely be cheating if you did it without her knowing. It is sexual contact. To me, that is adultery. It is NOT like rubbing your neck. Consider if another woman would be jerking you off...is that cheating? How is that physically different if a masseuse does it? The penis consists of tissues, not muscles, so as a masseuse, there is no "professional" reason to massage the penis unless it is for sexual pleasure...equals sex...equals adultery.

And what's with this "I would not mind if she has a female Asian do this to her" stuff. Wouldn't the equivalent be to let a masseur finger her to orgasm?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2010):

So ud be fine with her goign to get a massage and get fingered by a male masseuse huh?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2010):

There is nothing nicer than a massage with a happy ending. It is stress relief - not cheating. Dont be so rediculous. If I am stressed at work and give myself a handjob - it is just like rubbing your neck - just a break in the day. It is like hiring someone to do the cleaning. Its just business.

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A female reader, Honeygirl South Africa +, writes (21 October 2010):

Honeygirl agony auntSorry but yes, this is classed as cheating, well.. certainly in my book it is.

Rather role-play with your wife if this is your fantasy.

Dont do something silly that will ruin your wife's trust in you.

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A female reader, smiliek Australia +, writes (21 October 2010):

smiliek agony auntits cheating. Anything sexual at all with someone other then your wife is cheating. Would you be fine if she had another man touching her down there? Unless you're both into swinging (which i doubt being christians..) then its not something you should do. You'll lose your marriage. Its not 'less of a betrayal' its just as bad. Your wife will be just as hurt as if you 'just kissed someone' or if you had sex with someone else. I'd go with the roleplay idea

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2010):

Ah, the 'Happy Ending'.

But yeah, you really should not have allowed it. You should not be touching or allowing anyone to touch you sexually if you are in a relationship.

Thats the point of being in a relationship... you no longer need anyone else to do that stuff.

Flynn 24

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2010):

As the others have said, yes, it's cheating. You haven't said anything about your sex life with your wife. Are you considering this because there's something lacking? Personally I've considered the same thing (sans the Asian twist) simply because I've had periods of months without any sex in my marriage. Haven't done it, but considered it. It's not consistent with the marriage vows. You know it, I know it. But if you're going to cheat, a hj is less of a betrayal than intercourse.

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A male reader, Cerberus_Raphael United Kingdom +, writes (21 October 2010):

Cerberus_Raphael agony auntWhen a man looks upon a woman with lust in his heart, he has already committed adultery. Did Jesus himself not say something along those lines? So why would you ask another woman to appease your lusts and question whether or not it is a form of cheating?

I hope that helps.

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A female reader, tennisstar88 United States +, writes (21 October 2010):

tennisstar88 agony auntBut you would be asking the masseuse to give you a hand job which IS sexual favor, in case you didn't know. It's funny that you would let a female Asian give your wife a finger (in a woman's case) but not a male masseuse? It wouldn't very Christianly of you to do it and not tell her, that would be lying. Lying is a sin..Sorry, it's cheating. You're going outside of your marriage and asking a masseuse to perform a sexual act on you, but you try to convince yourself it's part of a massage. I'm sure if you asked one of the massage therapists they would get offended and ask you to leave. Or they would do it for a high price. (a secret transaction) Then you're tipping onto the line of prostitution...

How about this..

It's evident this is a sexual fantasy of yours to get a massage and whatever else from an Asian chick. So tell your wife about this fantasy and ask her if she would act it out with you. A little role play..She can flat iron her hair, and wear a Chinese robe, maybe throw chopsticks in her hair from last night's take out, or if she's blonde buy a black wig...knead your body like a masseuse, give you a hand job and you can even have sex with her on the massage table. Kinda hot. I'm liking it.

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A male reader, slimfish New Zealand +, writes (21 October 2010):

slimfish agony auntyep, its cheating....and you know it.

sorry but what did you expect?.

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A female reader, xanthic United States +, writes (21 October 2010):

xanthic agony auntOf course you wouldn't mind her being touched by another woman, it's just another part of YOUR fantasy. You can make all the excuses you want, but a regular massage and one with a happy ending are still completely different. They normally have no sexual context and are meant to be beneficial to one's health, yet the one you're interested in is based around a sexual act. Think of it this way: is this something you would really want your wife to know about? Would she approve, or would she be hurt? No matter how you look at it, it's cheating.

Above all else, never do something you know would upset your partner and then plan to ask for forgiveness later. It's deceitful and disrespectful, and clearly you already know it's wrong.

The bottom line is this: your wife is going to be hurt because as your wife, she should be the only person you share any sexual acts with. It may not seem like a big deal to you, but it is to her. Why not ask her to give you a massage instead?

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (21 October 2010):

Tisha-1 agony auntDo you really think that your religion would give a nod and a wink to a hand job as being okay and not a problem with a marriage?

What if a really handsome and hot massage therapist gave your wife a really happy ending? His flat abs and gorgeous eyes and bulging erection aren't touched by her at all, just his strong, muscular hands touch her.

Does that sound like it's not cheating?

Maybe you could go to a gay massage parlor and let a guy give you that hand job. That you would't technically be with another woman. Maybe a guy who looks a lot like you, in which case it's almost just masturbation, only it's his hands on you. That would probably be a whole lot better than a petite Asian woman, in your wife's eyes.

Oh, who am I kidding. The entire thing is a fantasy.

Of course it's cheating.

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