A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm a girl.I've known this guy for 9 months and we were always good friends.We talked about almost everything - music,piano,our own crushes....etc. I always saw him as my really good friend cos he was such a caring,respectful(he always says sorry to everyone),generous,friendly,patient and happy person.I always saw him as my soulmate or close friend(strict platonic) but nothing more than that,I promise!He used to tell me he saw me as his close friend.However,2 days ago,he talked to me on facebook online chating.We had the most awkward conversation ever.Firstly,he asked me why I tagged him into a picture(a pic of a piano,rose and a sad lady) on facebook.I told him I forgot why I tagged him cos the picture is 4 months ago.Then he asked me why I only tagged him but not anyone else.I told him I really forgot who I had tagged in and I just tagged him randomly without thinking that much! I also told him the picture was very beautiful and I'm sure he would love it.Then,he said,"yes,it's beautiful!but it really means something" I asked him,"what do you mean?" He said,"the picture looks quite romantic.You tagged me in this pic.Everyone thinks you like me"I was shocked by what he said.I told him I didn't like him in that way.Instead,I liked him as a good friend.I also said,"omg,everything is so simple.It was just a picture.You've read into it too much!"Then he said,"we are good friends, but the boundary which separates friendship and something more can be as thin as a hairline.You can just tell me you like me.its not a big deal.Guys are not like girls!"I told him I didn't like him in that way.I like him only as a good friend and nothing more than that.I said to him,"we always tell each other about our own crushes". He said,"it could be a diversion.It means...to make me think you're interested in someone else when it was me all along,or maybe you like them too because one guy is not enough for you" Oh my god!I got very annoyed as he still kept thinking that I liked him after I told him I didn't.I've already made it very clear I didn't like him in that way but he still kept saying,"You should just tell me you like me.It's not a big deal" I said,"i always think our friendship is PLATONIC" Then,he said,"which means 'intimate and affectionate'.I think guys and girls can be more than friends" I told him I didn't like him romantically.He said,"you should see everything in life as an experience,as an oppurtunity to practice for perfection.You don't have to do things romantically to have more than a platonic friendship,like everything is for practice.I see everything for practice when it comes to the real thing, with the one you really love.You should see it that way.What do you think friends with benefits are all about?"Oh my god!I was very shocked and got highly offended by what he said!Of course I rejected his offer straight away!but he still went on,"its all for practice, fun, skipping steps on romance.it makes things easier for when you confront the person you really like" I kept rejecting him and told him I'm not into friends with benefits at all! He asked,"have you even tried?" What should I say?!!Then I told him he could just find a prostitute and bang her as hard as he wants.After our conversation on facebook,he sent me a text at 2am asking me,"so I just find a prostitute and bang her as hard as I want and you're gonna record me yeh?" omg!what should I say? I was very disappointed because I used to think he was such a nice and respectful person but now,he just turns into a complete arsehole!Now I feel as if I were suffering from "psychological imbalance". I have no idea what I should do when I next bump into him at the university.I think I'll defo keep distance from him! but should I delete him on facebook or stop being his friend?Any advice?Thank you! :)
View related questions:
crush, facebook, friend with benefits, prostitute, soulmate, text, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Candid Cally  +, writes (29 August 2012):
I told you I was comcerned for your safety because I got a bad vibe from everything you said. You can lol all you want at the thought of this man harming you...but statistics do not lie. 2/3 of all reported rapes happened were committed by someone who knew the victim more than half of these were committed by a friend or acquaintance.
Because he thought you desired him as more than a friend, because you rebuffed his advances, because he has been crude towards you and canNOT seem to take 'no' for an answer, and because his behavior seems to be escalating...you need to be extremely cautious.
Because you seem to be naive (you seem to have a childlike innocence-this isn't a bad thing, but is not common in a woman who is 22-25) and because you miss his friendship i think you may want to assess your past actions towards him. The truth is, you can tell someone something over and over again, but it is your ACTIONS (your body language, how you look at him/her and how you interract with him/her) that cue someone in to how you feel about him/her. If what you say is completely opposite to how you act with a person, they will assume your actions are displaying how you feel...even if you say the opposite thing during conversation.
This guy thought you were interested in more than friendship because he analysed the way you behaved while around him and while sharing time together. I believe your innocent naïvety resulted in you sending him mixed signals.
Only time will tell whether you two can resume being friends or if things are irrepairably changed between you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni know it was a bit harsh for me to delete him on fb..but I had to do so cos i felt uncomfortable when he liked my comments or left comments after mine on our mutual friend's post.Also,I was fed up with him telling me "it's your loss and your problem that you don't like me in that way!"
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo maverick494:Thank you for your advice and taking time to read my comments and helping me out :)Sorry for being so emotional...But I'm scared now cos I thought he would stop bringing up the whole issue again as I had already made everything crystal clear to him that I DIDN'T like him in that way. To my surprise,he still didn't believe in what I told him on fb chating!After our previous fb conversation,he called one of our mutual friends yesterday telling her he still thought I liked him and thought I just didn't admit it!He said he was sad after our fb conversation the other day! My friend told me he sounded emotional on the phone.He still couldn't get over it!2 days ago he brought up the whole issue again on fb chating.I was even more fed up by what he told me.tbh,I've never ever seen any guys who are as desperate and needy as him.I told him again I didn't like him in that way.Finally he believed me and he apologized to me for what he had done the other day.Okay,then I accepted his apology.Then he said,"I'm tired of these issues I've been having, I'm sick to death of it...I just can't live another 2 years at university not having someone to share with and do everything with.You understand my frustration right?okay, but I miss all the fun we have and the times we make each other high and laugh...we should meet tomorrow I think.I want to show you my piano playing". Then I said, "i'm sorry.Recently i've been really busy with my dissertation which is due in 2 weeks.Then I'll go traveling.I'll see you in October.Drag your friend along" He still didn't give me a break. He said,"I don't think you fully accept my apology...otherwise you would suggest meeting even this month.You would make time for it, your not working 24/7"I said,"please believe me,i'm very busy.i told you i would see you in October". He kept asking,"are you really that busy that you don't even have time to come to campus for a couple of hours?you could even work on it here in the library" I asked him to respect me cos I was really busy.I also told him what he had done the other day freaked me out!He said,"don't be freaked out,I wasn't myself.I was forcing a character that is not in my own nature.it's simple as that.it means nothing!it's your loss and your problem that you don't like me in that way when like you said at your birthday to your friends: of all the guys you know, I care for you the most...." I told him,"you're going extreme now.Please don't tell me you like me" He said,"no,I don't.Please don't worry" He pissed me off after this conversation.I deleted him on facebook afterwards.He found out and sent me a message,""whats the problem?? I don't understand! You accept my apology!why do you delete me as a friend??!"OMG!What should I do now?Should I just avoid him when I bump into him next time? We've got loads of mutual friends.
...............................
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (26 August 2012):
Well, he's obviously a pervert. But stop fussing over this so much, OP. He couldn't talk you into his bed (with the way he went about it I doubt anyone would fall for that) and that's that. You are overreacting yes, but in the sense that you are allowing him to make such an impact on you.
I mean, read your latest follow-up. It's full of emotion. Emotion can be good, but there is such a thing as 'too much'. If you become an emotional roller coaster you won't be in charge of your own life. It clouds your judgment, which shows in how you surprised you are by this dude's behavior.
Train yourself to stay calm. You will have a better shot at being able to see the signs next time, know what's coming and then you'll deal with the situation effectively without letting it invade your mind like it is now. OP, this is just a trickle and you're treating it as a tsunami.
Yes you're a human being. We all are. We have feelings too. But because you're so caught up in your own you seem to forget about that. You need to teach yourself to get some mental barriers, so you don't get clubbed by shit like this.
Also, try to remember that even if the advice given is not what you want to hear, it is sincere all the same. The people here who replied to your question are not out to get you. They want to help you. That's why we spend time on here.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's definitely fine that you don't take my side,but please stop patronizing me! Clearly you don't understand how I feel and my situation.omg!I didn't over-exaggerate my situation.You just missed the point!Anyway,let me make it clear.I always saw him as my good friend and he used to tell me he felt the same.I never flirt with him or anything.After being good friends for 9 months,he suddenly told me he wanted to have sex with me.When I turned him down,he still kept pushing me and convincing me to be his FWB.I have every right to be shocked,disappointed,scared,fed up with,disgusted or even offended!These are called 'reflex' or human nature.What do you mean by "I SHOULDN'T be scared"? Hello?I couldn't help being scared cos I'm a human.I'm not made of steel!All humans have emotions.There's nothing wrong with it and it has nothing to do with the level of maturity.Moreover,it was very rude or disrespectful for him to keep pushing me after I kept telling him 'no'.This is very unattractive and is a complete turn-off for me (or a lot of girls) cos he came off as being very desperate,needy and annoying.I DO think he should learn how to show respect to girls.Well,I can tell you strongly disagree with what I say here cos you don't think he was being disrespectful to me(as you said).Okay,everyone thinks differently.Do you think it's very normal for guys to keep pushing girls into sex after the girls say 'no'? Well,I'm not sure about your situation.I only know what I want.I never allow any guys to use me for sex or to treat me like a doormat cos I want self-respect and dignity.I'm not easy.If guys attempt to do these(try to push me into sex or anything)to me,I always stop them and tell them they are very disrespectful.Then,they back off :)We both are girls but you don't understand how I feel in this situation.Anyway,we think very differently.I agree to disagree.
...............................
A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (24 August 2012):
 No, that is not what I was saying. Please do not twist the words of a post around to fit your needs.
He's a guy, he's your friend, and he wants you. There is nothing twisted or sick about it. Perhaps he was disrespectful at the most, but I don't even see that. He asked you, you declined. Drop it and move on.
The fact you are overexaggerating this situation shows your immaturity when it comes to dealing with men (no offense). If you can't deal with a "soul-mate" coming onto you, you are going to have a very difficult time on the dating scene.
I wish you the best.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBondGirl72:
Okay,this guy is not "sick".He's just a xxxxing desperate freak!I think he was very disrespectful and disgusting!He just wants to use me for sex!
"It doesn't make him "sick" that he wants to have a sexual relationship with you, it makes him a guy." ----What?!Do you mean he IS a guy because he wants to have sex with me? He's NOT a guy if he doesn't.Then do I have to avoid all of my guy friends?!And do I have to make an assumption that all of my guy friends want to have sex with me instead of having platonic friendship?
No!I don't think I'll talk to him again (at least at this moment).
...............................
A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (24 August 2012):
Your friend isn't "sick", he wants more from you. It doesn't make him "sick" that he wants to have a sexual relationship with you, it makes him a guy. You shouldn't be scared, you should simply tell him that you take sex seriously and you are not willing to "practice" with him. He should look elsewhere. Then, do not communicate with him anytime he mentions sex. In fact, you could tell him that anytime he mentions it, you will not be talking to him.
As far as the term "soul mate", I agree that a soul mate infers a very intimate connection with someone. It could be someone with whom you are "just friends" but not usually in the world of mature love. I think you used the term prematurely as you are finding out that he may not be your "soul mate" after all.
If you bump into him, you tell him it is nice to see him and keep walking. But always be clear about your intentions.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionmystiquek:
Thank you very much for your comment and your support :)
Yes,you're right.That's what I meant by "soulmate".
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCandid Cally:
No,I never told anyone he was my soulmate.To me,"soulmate" means best friend or close friend who I can talk about anything....nothing sexual or romantic.I always told everyone that he was my good friend.
Anyway,thank you very much for your advice :)
Yes,this guy is sick!!I'll defo stay away from him and stop talking to him!Originally I wanted to delete him on my facebook but finally I didn't cos I don't want to make a scene.Also,we've got loads of mutual friends.
"I am concerned about your safety."---this sounds like he's a rapist LOL
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (24 August 2012):
 Hi. I disagree with Candid Cally. I understand what you meant about him being a soul mate. I soul mate does NOT have to someone that you have a sexual relationship with. A soul mate is someone that you connect deeply with it. It can be a person of the same sex, a sister, a friend, ect. This guy is the one who misunderstood what you were saying. I agree with your disappointment and opinion of him. He honestly sounds like he's just after sex and since you don't feel that way, its best to distance yourself from him. Its up to you if you want to delete him from face book or stop being his friend. I certainly would make it clear that you do NOT have any intention of being anything other a friend...and NOT a friend with benefits! Its sad to know that someone you truly cared about is pretty much a jerk.
...............................
A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (24 August 2012):
If you have ever told this man or anyone else that you see him as your "soul mate" everyone is going to think that you like him as more than friends. A soul mate is a once in a lifetime partner, they are the person you feel most compatible with on every level of your relationship including sexual intimacy. If you have referred to this man as your soulmate, you gave him the wrong idea about your friendship. He definitely thought you saw it as muh much more.
If you have referred to him as your soulmate, you need to explain to him that you didn't understand what it meant. That you thought of your relationship as nothing more than innocent friendship. Then, you need to tell him that what he said to you deeply offended you. He made it obvious that he did not believe you when you told him the truth. He instead, made the assumption that you desired him sexually, and he would help you out while he "practiced" how to have a romantic relationship.
This guy is sick. You need to stay away from him. He wants a friends with benefits situation with you, but when it mattered most, he showed you he only wants the benefits and cares nothing about the friendship you so greatly valued.
Please try your best not to find yourself in any situations alone with him. I am concerned about your safety.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your advice Bondgirl72 :)
Well,as I said in the original post,this guy friend wants to be "friends with benefit" instead of romance.I think he doesn't have any strong feelings for me.All he wants is just 'sex'.I don't think he wants to start a relationship with me :)
...............................
A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (24 August 2012):
Hopefully the person who recently asked if men and women can be friends will read this post. While some say they can, most cannot because stronger feelings normally develop when two people talk a lot or spend a lot of time together.
Your guy likes you for more than a friend and it will be hard, if not downright impossible, for him to be "just friends" with you. Once one person falls for the other one, it is very difficult to go back to the time when the strong feelings did not exist. Some people can do it, but I have never been able to. I guess it depends upon how badly he wants just your friendship.
If you do not want a relationship with him, chances are good that you are going to have to stop talking with him because he is not likely to just switch off his feelings to be friends.
...............................
|
