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Do you think I have the right be upset since technically he is still married?

Tagged as: Dating, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (20 March 2017) 23 Answers - (Newest, 31 March 2017)
A female Canada age 22-25, *ewgirlintown writes:

I moved to a new town and got a job as a server at a local restaurant.

One of my co workers is very cute and a lot of the girls like him.

They are always going out as groups and hanging out with each other outside of work.

We became really close and last weekend while out at a bar we kissed, afterwards I found out that he is legally married , he has been separated from his wife for about a month.

I feel like he should have told me or someone at work could have told me. I really like him but I don't want to be involved with a married guy .

Do you think I have the right be upset since technically he is still married?

View related questions: at work, co-worker

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (31 March 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntOff course you have a right to be upset. I think the best thing you can do is just be truthful with him, tell him you are not interested in getting with a married man, even if he is separated, just tell him thanks but no thanks, then carry on with work, it will soon be forgotten about.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (24 March 2017):

CindyCares agony aunt Aunty Bim Bim, the OP DOES say that she is raising the son she had by an EX ( so, single mother ) and that her only family is her brother.

Not that this warrants " slanging matches " of course.

But, without slanging anybody, I think that what some posters said, maybe somewhat harshly - does make sense anyway as a word of caution.

Single, unencumbered girl, can do all she wants and has much more elbow room to screw up royally, and just please herself.

Single girl with kid,.. maybe it's not fair, but life is not fair - is supposed to be much much more prudent and judicious in her selection of mates amd lovers, and in the general conduct of her sex and romance life.

Plus, - single or not, unencumbered or not- the gist if the story is that yes, it's a really bad, bad idea anyway to get involved with a married man (... and separate one month ago still feels very much married to me ). The OP did not know about his status? OK- but now she does. So the only smart and sensible thing would be to let him go- ignore him- avoid him like the plague - tell him loud and clear " no can do ", or anything that comes to mind as long as it is conducive to NOT flirting, NOT kissing , and NOT giving him the time of the day , because it is wasted time.

Is it difficult ? I guess. Can be done ? Absolutely Should be done ? Absolutely. Does she owe to her kid , not just to herself, to never become the plaything, or the fucktoy of a bored , selfish , conceited guy ? Absolutely. Whether it's easy or not .

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (24 March 2017):

Aunty BimBim agony auntThis post seems to have degenerated ....

I've looked through the responses by the original poster ... where does she say she is a single mother with only a brother for family

This is not a forum for slanging matches.

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A female reader, Newgirlintown Canada +, writes (24 March 2017):

Newgirlintown is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Again don't assume just because of two sentences you read on a post. I came her alone, my son is with his father u till the first of April. I needed to come and set up my apartment and arrange childcare for him.

I didn't let a guy send me a couple of text and then fall for him. But what ever, you think you know me but that's fine

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2017):

Do you have the right to be upset??? You have the right to be upset about the price of tea in China if you want...Whether or not you are is up to you...either you are or you arent....sounds like you are, so dont kiss the guy anymore...probably is not going to end up good for you anyway...have a little willpower...

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2017):

"I didn't set out to like him, married or not I didn't have plans on meeting a guy right away. I can't quit my job because of him either, I don't have family that i can just call up and ask for money and the move here cost me enough"

But your child's father moved there as well? So you do have someone you can call up and ask for childcare?

You asked for advice, giving a very shortened account of your situation. I asked for more information.

You met a married guy at work. He gave a very shortened version of his situation. You chose to not ask for more information.

You now present yourself as a helpless pawn in a too-charming man's sexual conquest list.

Decide. If you are a good mother then you can be a good advocate for yourself. If all a guy needs to do to is to send a couple of texts and you lose yourself then ... well?

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A female reader, Newgirlintown Canada +, writes (24 March 2017):

Newgirlintown is verified as being by the original poster of the question

before you judge someone know their story ! You have no idea what I've been through or how hard I worked . I put myself through school, yes I had assistance for a few years so I could afford school but I did it so I could better myself so that I could provide for my son. I pay my bills , I work. My ex pays child support and every single cent goes towards my son and his well being. As for him being home alone he is with his dad . I don't party and leave my son alone

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2017):

Wow! This guy knows exactly what he is doing!

He is using his charm. Wrapping you and the other girls who are GAGA over him around his finger. Ring finger I dare say?

He is married!

End of story.

Separated is married. And if a guy is already on the prowl only a month into a separation, I would say he is not a good guy at all!

He is having his security blanket of being married. And playing the field at the same time. So, he is in fact sampling other women out there while he is still with his wife. He has not let her go. And he probably won't. He just likes the separated status because he thinks it gives him a HALL PASS.

Don't be his play thing. You along with the next girl and the one before you are going to get burned. Because once he is done playing single and available, he is going to go back to his safe and comfortable wife and marriage.

And you will be left devastated.

Don't go there.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2017):

I got pregnant when I was 18, my only family is my brother. I wanted to be able to go to college and couldn't afford to support a baby.

The only way I could get assistance was to file for child support. Thankfully my boyfriend at the time was great and wanted to support his son so we had no issues.

You can't afford a babysitter or drinks let alone losing your job. Put on a thinking cap and stop acting like a clueless teenager. And stop leaving your young child at home alone.

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A female reader, Newgirlintown Canada +, writes (23 March 2017):

Newgirlintown is verified as being by the original poster of the question

No he doesn't need my number for work , I gave it to him before I knew he was married / separated.

We talked at work today and he was being Mr Sweet. He said that there was no way I could ever resist his smile so we wasn't worried about not getting a chance to redo last night . He can be sweet and cocky rolled into one

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (22 March 2017):

Honeypie agony auntSo start with no drinking alcohol around him IF you feel the alcohol lowers your "defenses" and maybe cut down on the going to party with this group. You might also find NOT going out a lot with these people will save you money :)

Does he NEED your phone number for work? If not... maybe block his?

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A female reader, Newgirlintown Canada +, writes (22 March 2017):

Newgirlintown is verified as being by the original poster of the question

No I don't want to be that girl. When we went out I tried advoiding him at first but once we started drinking I let that guard down and totally fell for his lines. I texted him this morning and told him that last night was a mistake and Within seconds he wa sending the sweetest messages saying how perfect I was and how much he enjoyed last night.

I asked him what happened in his marriage and he admitted they both cheated and how he felt like he should have never married her in the first place. I feel like I'm stuck in his web of drama.

And I agree that maybe these people aren't really the people in need in my life. Their main focus is partying and having fun which sounds like fun but I dont know if I can do that with him around

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (22 March 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI had a coworker like that (though he was single) Totally charming, yummy, smart and honestly a bit manipulative. I was single at the time but didn't want to date a coworker and especially one like him (a bit of a player with a string of VERY short term relationships after his divorce and yes he was older than me by 7 years as well).

I pretty much avoided being alone with him, but I ALSO made SURE he KNEW I wasn't interested and we ended up being really good friends.

This coworker of yours seems like he doesn't really take NO for an answer. That No means... keep trying. Maybe YOU need to be a little more firm with him or take a short break from socializing so much with him where there is alcohol etc. going on.

He thinks he has you figure out. If he just keeps trying, keep charming you, you will eventually crack.

It's about willpower, OP. Do you WANT to be a notch in this guy's bedpost? His rebound? His 15 minutes of fun?

Maybe you need to also look to make friends OUTSIDE work to socialize with.

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A female reader, Newgirlintown Canada +, writes (22 March 2017):

Newgirlintown is verified as being by the original poster of the question

My biggest problem is I can easily say no to him on a text or on the phone but as spins as I'm alone in a room all my common sense leaves. Last night we all went out after work and he is a smooth talker, now I feel horrible again

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (22 March 2017):

YouWish agony auntAhh, you're young. This is a lesson then. I'm sorry you had to learn it the hard way that many married men are straight up dogs even with their own co-workers. You'd think they'd know not to S*** where they eat, but some men are just jerks that way.

You don't have to quit. You didn't know he was married, and now you can go forward, chalk it up to a mistake, learn from the life lesson, and do good work.

You'll be known as a fantastic server instead of a girl who kissed a married man. Make your place of business about business, and you'll do fine!

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (21 March 2017):

Honeypie agony auntNo need to quit your job, just LEARN from the experience. I know people "hook up" at work and I have seen first hand how much drama THAT can create (especially when it doesn't work out) which is why I advocate a no dating/hooking up with coworker strategy.

We all make mistakes in life, so take it as a comfort that you didn't invest MORE of yourself and your emotions in anything with this guy.

And good for you for telling him off.

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A female reader, Newgirlintown Canada +, writes (21 March 2017):

Newgirlintown is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I haven't really said anything to him. The day I found out he was married I lost my shit at him. I don't need or want to be known as the new girl that is messing with a married guy. So I told him what I thought. Last night when he came by I didn't really say much , I listen to his side of the story and just tried to keep my thoughts straight.

From the feeling I get from work it's pretty common for coworkers to "hookup" or so it seems anyways. So I'm not sure if he just thought it was no big deal. I didn't set out to like him, married or not I didn't have plans on meeting a guy right away. I can't quit my job because of him either, I don't have family that i can just call up and ask for money and the move here cost me enough

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (21 March 2017):

Honeypie agony auntHave you told him that you aren't interested anymore? If so, I'd do that. I'd lay down very firm boundaries here and stick to them.

And then I would just be civil/polite at work but not engage in any flirting or banter with him.

As for him ASSuming that you knew because it was gossip - what a bogus cop-out, he should JUST have been honest and made SURE you knew what you were getting into.

It doesn't matter how long the "separation" have been in the works. HE was up until a MONTH ago STILL trying to make it work, which means he is STILL invested in the marriage emotionally - regardless of how the wife feels. Maybe there has been a pattern of him hitting on cute young girls at the workplace and she simply had enough?? It's unlikely he would tell you THAT if it were true...

My guess is he was hoping for an ego boost from you - whether just kissing or maybe more. So he was USING your interest in him to make himself feel better about a failed marriage. Not really fair to you.

I HAVE never understood why people who are still LEGALLY married think it's OK to start dating. Why they can't seem to wait for the ink to dry. And I really don't understand people who DATE "separated" people (knowingly of course, not meaning you - you didn't know). Someone who IS NOT fully divorced isn't SINGLE and NEEDS to get all their baggage and crap in order before jumping into another relationship. IMHO. I might just be old-fashioned.

I also agree with YouWihsh - It's another good rule to NOT "eat where you crap" (as in don't date where you work). It can complicate an otherwise good job and work environment and create awkward situations such as the one you found yourself in.

All you can do is learn from this. And at least it was "just" a kiss.

Chin up.

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A female reader, Newgirlintown Canada +, writes (21 March 2017):

Newgirlintown is verified as being by the original poster of the question

@youwish, I didn't ask if he was married because I assumed married people didn't flirt with the girls at work or go out every other night and act single.

@honeypie thank you , I would never go after a guy that I knew was married.

He texted me last night and asked if he could comment he said he felt horrible for not telling me , he assumed I already knew since his separation had been the gossip of the restaurant lately . He explained that it has been in the works for over 6 months and that he just moved out because he tried to make it work and she had no interest in working with him. According to him he put an effort where she wouldn't. I kinda believe him but st the same time I call bull shit, he did get skittle emotional and cried at one point but part of me still doesn't know what to think or believe anymore.

As for picking a guy just because he is cute I didn't say that was the only reason I just said that he was cute, he is always hilariously funny and very easy to talk to.

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A female reader, Campari Milano United Kingdom +, writes (21 March 2017):

It was a KISS!

Yes, he should have been honest about his situation, and you are in danger of being the rebound girl.

I would say, continue to see him if you can just have fun. Otherwise, expect a broken heart. This will not end well for you unless you can maintain emotional distance! Be honest with yourself. I know it's hard.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (21 March 2017):

YouWish agony auntI'd be upset, but not at a co-worker. HE should have said something before his lips were on yours, and YOU should have asked him "are you single" before your lips were on his. He's a married man. Being separated for a month is still married, only he has deal-breaking baggage on him.

And consider what he's doing! A separation is for a married couple to live apart and work out whether they will divorce or spend the time to reconcile. That's why legal separation exists and people don't just rush to divorce immediately.

Separation isn't so that some guy can go buzz around with the female co-workers to go lock lips on them before the sheets on the marital bed have even cooled off! You don't even know if he has kids or not. Also, this is a CO-WORKER! Work is NOT for kissing co-workers! It's for professional business relationships and furthering careers. It's not your co-workers to play matchmaker or reality TV show to facilitate your love life. The responsibility rests with YOU for making sure you're kissing a single guy BEFORE you kiss him.

You're in your 20's now. I'm guessing you're fresh out of college, right?? It's time to look at relationships with new eyes, and not the physical sexual discovery of high school/college age. You need higher standards and an eye on where you want to be in 10 years.

If this guy is MARRIED, does he also have children? That's baggage. He works with you?? That's baggage. He's out smooching while he's married? DOUBLE BAGGAGE.

The fact that he's cute should be irrelevant. That's how high schoolers choose their partners, and most high schoolers I know even have better standards than "is he cute"!

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (21 March 2017):

Aunty BimBim agony auntSeparated from his wife for a month and already getting close and smooching up with the new girl. I think that is a very good indication of what he thinks of marriage.

Yes, you have the right to be upset and I think you should let him know how you feel about his lying by omission.

Don't get involved with him, down that path lies heartbreak!

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (20 March 2017):

Honeypie agony auntYes, I think he SHOULD have told you (and NO I don't think the other co-workers should - they might have presumed you knew already and it's NOT their business to tell every girl who finds him "cute" that he is married).

Now you know. Be glad he didn't tell you post-coital. (as in AFTER you had sex).

So armed with the knowledge you can STICK to just being co-workers and hanging out without any more physical intimacy.

I think the rule of NOT wanting to date MARRIED men is a SMART standard to have, keep that up.

And don't BEAT yourself up over this either. Just remember if such a BIG details as being married has "slipped" his mind what ELSE isn't he going to tell you?...

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