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Do you think he'll ever be open to friendship with me? Two weeks after dumping me he was back on dating sites.

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, Faded love, Friends, Long distance, The ex-factor, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 May 2017) 7 Answers - (Newest, 11 May 2017)
A female United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

Hello, I am hoping for some advice and help to make sense of a situation I am in.

Was together with a man for 9 months. He lived about 90 minutes away, and for various work and child matters we saw each other from Friday through till Sunday ever other weekend and then once during the other week. We had loads of text contact and talking on the phone every day too.

We matched in so many areas and connected so well in these.

We fell in love and supported each other, always knowing the other was there. We did however have one reaccuring theme. I am way more affectionate than him and we talked about this on several occasions.

In the end he finished us because of this, saying I made him feel awful and what he gave wasn't enough, and that he didn't want to feel like it anymore and wants me to find someone who meets all my needs.

We decided to remain friends. So every few days one of us would chuck a text to the other, all very caring and appropriate.

I then found out that 2 weeks after he dumped me, he's back on a dating site. I was so upset, and text him to say so, I couldn't believe he could imagine dating other women so soon.

I ended up saying we need time without contact to heal as im not in the same place as him.

He text back that he agrees and wished me well.

I sent him another text later and then the next day, but I can see he wipes them off without reading them.

They only said I don't want there to be hard feelings.

Do you think he will ever be open to a friendship?

It's so unlike him to be so horrid and ignore me like this, I think that's the thing that hurts the most- our promises that we would always be kind and be there for the other person even in our split.

Surely he hasn't detached himself already if he's dating someone else now?

View related questions: fell in love, text

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (11 May 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntHonestly you need to let go off him. You are both not compatible, he ended things because the relationship was not working for you both, now he has ended contact with you because you asked him for some space to heal. So he is now ignoring your messages because he is giving you time to heal and get over him. He may very well have moved on already but if he has that is his choice and he is doing nothing wrong. Why would you want a friendship with him now? I mean are you prepared to be a friend to him even if he is with another women? Ex's don't become friends because usually it stirs up old feelings. I think you need to let him go.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (10 May 2017):

CindyCares agony aunt I agree with N91 : why horrid ?

YOU told him that you needed to go no contact in order to heal, because you are not at the same place he is . He said : agreed. End of story.

Say what you mean, and mean what you say.

If right after your goodbye speech, you changed your mind - that's unfortunate but , unluckily, he is not bound to change his mind too only because you did. You are not a couple anymore, so necessarily he will try and do whatever works best for HIM, not whatever works best for you or, for you and him as a couple.

As for your wanting to reassure him that there are no hard feelings- I doubt he needs this reassurance, and I doubt he feels there could be any hard feelings to begin with ! There has been no cheating, nor physical / verbal abuse, nor financial exploitation, etc. etc.; nothing that could warrant hard feelings. He just discovered that you two want different things from a relationship, in a way that jeaopardized your relationship's current harmony and future success , and once realized this basic incompatibility, he decided to end the relationship- allowing himself and you too to find a more suitable match.

Finally, I don't find surprising that after 2 weeks he is ready to move on, and on a dating site again. Remember, he is the dumper, not the dumpee; which means that probably he was ready to move on the very moment he decided to dump you :

1) you were having recurring, unresolved arguments about something that he is unwilling or unable ( or both ) to change. There was no point in keeping arguing. He must have gotten quite tired of it- if he had not, he would not have broken up.

2 ) this , if he is in good faith and you can trust what he says ( not that I have any reason to doubt it ). Otherwise, it is possible that he had already lost interest and checked out emotionallly/ sexually , and he just took your difference in showing affection as his handy excuse to take his leave.

Either way, he broke up- and from that moment he is SUPPOSED to move on, ( and you are too ! ) and if going back to the dating site, to check out what's on offer if not yet to embark in another relationship, helps him to move on faster , then why should he stop himself.

Now you want to know if , after not working as a couple, you can work as platonic friends. And the answer is : maybe. In future. Probably not, but... never say never. But as of now, understandably his priority is not cultivating a friendship with you - you got together because he wanted a girlfriend, not a friend. And you should not even try , or hint ,or put out feelers, as long as you are still hung up on him and have romantic feelings for him. Because right now, what kind of unbalanced , bizarre friendship would be this , where one still carries a torch for the other ? It would not be a friendship, it would be an excuse fr you to cling, and see if you can make him change his mind. ( He knows that too , I guess, and that's why he is not keen of staying in touch ).

Do some healing, do some moving on yourself- and THEN maybe when you will be completely over him, you two could be just good friends ( by which time though, I predict you could not care less about counting him among your friends or not... )

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A male reader, Fatherly Advice United States + , writes (10 May 2017):

Fatherly Advice agony auntWell we do the best we can with the information we get. Of course you know more about the whole story that any of us could. I's sorry that my advice was on the stingish side, but I am very glad that you came back to correct me.

I'd like to stay on the record as advising against post breakup "friendships". The continued contact here was at an inappropriate level of intimacy for the status of the relationship.

Now if he is the needy clingy one he is doing a fine job of cutting the leash. ignoring your messages unopened seems to suggest that he is ready to let go now. Of course he may have found a replacement, but . . . . . online dating is a pretty dead game for guys. I think the odds are against his success in that realm.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2017):

Wow fatherly advice! I am the original OP here and feel I really need to make a couple of points in my defence. I was on my own and not lonely before my ex came along, and I would also like to point out that my ex initiated most of our communication since the break up in the second week, not me, and indeed I had wondered myself the very point you have made about me in relation to my ex actually... was he finding being on his own too difficult cold turkey and since finding out he was on a dating website would his contact drop off once he attached to someone else.

You make good points about the physical time together and his need for that time to be able to naturally be more affectionate. I think I'll stir clear of relationships for some time.

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A male reader, Fatherly Advice United States + , writes (9 May 2017):

Fatherly Advice agony auntMy take on this is a bit different. What I see here is clingy neediness and Acute fear of loneliness.

I may be as cruel and "horrid" as The ex boyfriend. But in order to see success in future relationships OP needs to see this clearly.

The relationship was long distance, with lots of audio communication. What this translates to in guy terms is a relationship where the woman gets all of the intimate conversation she desires and the man gets almost none of the physical intimacy he craves. it's a Raw Deal for him. But it's worse than even that. She isn't satisfied with his level of affection. Usually that translates as not demonstrative enough. To the point of Nagging about it. But without the regular physical contact he has no chance to build the feelings he needs to have before he can demonstrate affection to her satisfaction.

What is described here is an unsatisfactory relationship for both parties. But OP is clinging to the contact. Even though he Clearly stated by his words and actions that he is not interested in continuing. OP is essentially Using him for intimate conversation that is inappropriate due to the Friend status of the relationship. In short her clinging insistence on this continued level of inappropriate intimacy has driven him to unfriendliness. And No no one volunteers to entertain a stalker. He won't be back.

His dating after 2 weeks is only slightly iffy. His recommended period of detachment from a 9 month relationship is 27 Days. But it was really only a half relationship. and He was detaching before he ended it.

Sure there may have been another person involved but it really doesn't matter at this point. The evidence of his waiting 2 weeks to go on a dating site and especially that he is on a Dating site, supports the idea that there was no other woman for him to turn to.

Here is my Advice to OP. Work on yourself. Learn to be self sufficient emotionally. Lose your fear of being alone. Do that and Heal before you start any relationship.

For your piece of mind He detached more quickly than you because he was never as attached as you were. Your nagging hurt him and kept him from getting attached.

Remember this was not a good relationship. Your needs were not filled. Your needs appear to be unfillable. Personal strength first then another man. Never fly to the next man quickly. Your Ex (if he is smart, and I'm not sure he is) is dating around trying to be more careful in his choice next time. His needs are different from yours. What is the right advice for you would not be right for him.

While you are waiting to heal read his needs, her needs. There are things in there that you need to know.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (9 May 2017):

Honeypie agony auntWhat do you hope to gain by trying to have a "friendship"?

My guess is you hope that if you stay friends he will realize his "mistake" in ending it or that you have this guy to stick around and still talk to you. Neither is a good reason to being "friends" - YOU still have feelings for him, he has moved on already. And keeping someone around like that will only make it harder for YOU to move on and move forward.

The guy DUMPED you in a pretty cruel manner - making the reason it ended ALL your fault.

If he is ON the dating site 2 weeks after the break up it is mostly OVER the relationship. Sorry. He didn't end it because He didn't feel he was good enough for you - he ended it because he wanted something else/someone else.

You are OLD enough to know that words are cheap. When you say "we promised we would be there for each other yada yada" HE did mean it WHEN he said it, but now that the relationship is over... so are the promise made.

LET it GO, OP.

Accept that it didn't work between you two. You saw some red flags, talked about them (you hoped he'd change, he hoped you would accept him for who he is) - you JUST weren't as good of a match as YOU both had hoped.

Thing is OP, if you WANT things in your relationships like more affection or PDA - then you NEED to date someone who IS like that - not EXPECT a guy to suddenly BECOME that for you. That just isn't realistic.

KNOW what you want in a man, and don't ACCEPT less. Because it WON'T work with less.

If you could find this guy who hit ALMOST all the marks, you CAN find someone who DOES hit all the marks.

Keep the no contact. It will help you heal faster and move on. He isn't a friend, nor does he want another friend. That is NOT what he was looking for (neither were you).

Chin up and move on, OP.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom +, writes (9 May 2017):

N91 agony auntHe isn't being horrid. YOU asked for time apart to heal, HE is giving you that. You can't then decide to start messaging him again after saying you've both agreed to no contact.

Going back on a dating site may be his way of getting over things. Do you expect him to sit at home feeling sorry for himself because you broke up? You already can't deal with knowing he's looking for someone else so do you seriously think you can handle trying to remain friendly with him if you know he's seeing someone else?

I'm sure he will be hurt from the split also, but you can't expect him to always still be there now you're not together. You need to let go and let him get on with his life and you get on with yours.

Maybe when you've had time to get over it you could pursue a friendship, but definitely not this soon. Use this time to work on yourself and allow him to do whatever he feels necessary for him to get over it also.

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