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Do you think he will want contact with his child in the future?

Tagged as: Cheating, Pregnancy<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (19 September 2008) 5 Answers - (Newest, 20 September 2008)
A female Ireland age 41-50, anonymous writes:

i dont want anyone telling me how evil i am for having an affair as the other woman i am quite aware that the other woman always gets the blame. i had an affair with a married man ,we fell in love with each other, i also went out with him when i was alot younger went our separate ways and met up again when we were both extremely unhappy in our relationships,he was there for his children with a wife he had stopped loving and i was going through a divorce,anyway we got caught,wife made him end it in order for him to stay with his children and i found out i was pregnant,decided to have the baby as i dont believe in a bortion,wife said he could still stay if he had no contact with me and baby at all,which he agreed, she has even made him have a DNA test when he knows baby is his, maybe she is holding on to the final bit of hope the baby isnt!!!! it hurts whenever i look at my baby knowing the father wants nothing to do with him.Do you think he will want contact with him in the future? and be part of his life? he is under strict instruction at the moment

View related questions: affair, divorce, fell in love, married man

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A male reader, Danielepew Mexico +, writes (20 September 2008):

Danielepew agony auntWe don't know what is going to happen here. Some men go away and never go back. Some come back when they are old and do the accounting of their lives. Some come back long before that.

There is a possibility that he will be what I call a "lukewarm presence": he will be there for his child... sometimes. That will mean that your baby might have the illusion that his/her father will come to her, more often, if only s/he does something that will do the trick, of ir s/he gives him more time, or... you get the picture. The child might cling to a hope that might never materialize.

Your own behavior will be key in this. As of today, what you have is nothing. He is back with his wife, back with his children, and says he doesn't want anything with your kid. So be it. Get on your feet, on this very solid ground, and build a life for you and your child on that basis. Don't behave in a way that will make your child hope that her/his father will come to save her/him. Behave in the way that will make your child independent and strong no matter what. Gibran Khalil Gibran said once that children are like arrows, and parents like bows. Well, make that arrowhead a strong one, and help that arrow fly.

Behave in a way that this child won't be too affected because her/his father won't be there.

And, live your own life to the fullest.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2008):

thankyou for your replies,unfortunately the law here cant make him have contact as it has to be his choice,and he told me that he cant have anything to do with his baby or me as that is what his wife wants.He will have to pay child support but i would rather him have contact with our baby than money!!! maybe one day he will look at his other children and feel some guilt.My baby is beautiful and a godsend and has made my life complete,whereas he is in a marriage for the sake of his kids and a roof over his head with a woman he doesnt love,the atmosphere there must be pure hell as there were major problems before his affair and now they have the added problems of him fathering a baby and the financial strain of having to pay child support.Its his loss not my babys as my baby will have so much love and will be brought up in a happy home.advice please?

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A female reader, lotus mama808 United States +, writes (19 September 2008):

lotus mama808 agony auntIf he doesnt want contact, eventually, the child would. When your son gets old enough to understand that his daddy is not there, he will begin to wonder where he is. Basiclly, your son and his father have every right to see eachother, and I don't know what the laws are like where you are, but in the U.S., it is the father and mothers responsability to take care of the child, and the government makes sure that happens, even if the the fathers wife dosnt agree with it. It isnt up to her, it is up to the father. And, that child has the right to be taken care of by his father. Hopefully his father will realize that his wife cannot keep him from his baby, and do what is right. As for his wife, she is pretty dumb to think that by forbidding him to see you or his baby is going to change him. He will probably end up with a different lady, at least thats what the majority of cheaters end up doing. If he has done it before, he will do it again, in time. Usually when his wife drops her guard and begins feeling comfertable with her trust for him, he will take the chance again. Hey, maybe thats when he will decide to be a part of his childs life. I hope the best for you and your child. I know what it is like to be both mommy and daddy to a child. It's hard work, but it is so worth it!

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A female reader, natasia United Kingdom +, writes (19 September 2008):

natasia agony auntI would also look into child support and the whole legal side. She can't stop him seeing his children with her, and she can't stop him seeing his child with you. He is, it sounds, terrified of losing contact with his first children, and therefore choosing never to see the baby so he doesn't attach to him (the baby). It is all wrong, and should be sorted out, legally. That's where I'd start. In that way you are supporting him as a father, too, in a way he is too scared to do.

I understand the situation, believe me, and my heart goes out to you. I would just say this: at the moment it feels bad, but you are linked to your baby's father for life. Hopefully, with appropriate support, rather than blackmail and vengefulness, your baby will get to know his father. I'm sure the father wants it, but has just been bullied into having no contact. It can be done so he doesn't see you, but does see his baby. And it's important to act now, while your baby is still so young.

Good luck. I think it will be ok.

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A male reader, Danielepew Mexico +, writes (19 September 2008):

Danielepew agony auntIt is very hard to tell whether he will want to have contact with your (his and yours) child. I have seen cases of men who never ever worry about the child again, and other cases of men who do. I don't know what the key factor would be, other than, and forgive me for the expression, balls.

Your child's father did wrong in sleeping with you. He says he is staying with his wife so he can see his children. He seems to be in a dilemma: either he continues to see his other children, or he sees yours. It might seem that sacrifying one for the sake of "more than one" is the lesser evil. But I believe he wouldn't need to sacrify his seeing any.

I don't know the legal system in Ireland, but, where I live, he would still have a legal right to see his children with his wife, and he would have no option but to provide for his child with you. The law would support him in the first case, and would be against him in the other.

The law would also support YOU, as a mother of his child, and would hurt the wife, as she has no right to prevent a child from having the support of his/her father.

And this, I guess, is the key of the situation. Your baby didn't ask to be brought into this world. His/her parents did what they did, whatever, but this child is absolutely innocent, and his/her rights should be respected by everyone. Including the wife.

I wonder whether the wife thinks she's doing the right thing. She's keeping her man on blackmail. The relationship is destroyed, but she wants the facade. Way to go.

If the man had balls, he wouldn't give in to his wife's hateful and stupid blackmail, and he would look after your child, too, even if you and he never lived together. He needed his balls to beget the child, and now he needs them to look after your baby.

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