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Do you think a man who gets defensive is guilty?

Tagged as: Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (4 January 2011) 15 Answers - (Newest, 13 January 2011)
A female United States age 36-40, *enta writes:

Do you think a man who gets defensive is guilty? I have been seeing this guy for 8 weeks at first we saw one another 3 -4 times a week suddenly after xmas we slowed down. He seems to be busy or had a quiet weekend. I am not buying it. Something had to happen. Maybe found someone else to play with, so last night i kinda confronted him and said either your back with your x or you found another chic to bang and he lost it. He was very defensive and told me i was wrong on all accounts and the he told me that he shouldnt have to justify where he is when he isnt with me. I think thats rude, not saying he has to tell me every detail. I am worried becasuse i found out he lied about his age to me. He told me he was 33 and he is really 41 and he does not know I know!!! So thats why I am so quick to accuse him. Not sure if I trust what he says or to drop him. He told me he liked me a lot and tells me that often and i dont seem to believe him. Well gee you lied about your age so how can I?

What do you think...hiding something??

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A female reader, Oakey United States +, writes (13 January 2011):

First of all, why did he lie about his age? The log says you are older than 33 and closer to 40. If you were younger, maybe he would feel like he needed to lie to date you because of the age difference. This is not the case. So he lies so he can feel he is a much younger man with more vitality and charisma. Hum! Maybe on the make big time or on an ego trip because he thinks he looks so much younger. This is his game to see if others believe he is younger than he actually is. The defensive guilt thing is another matter completely. Maybe he needed to chill awhile. Christmas is a busy time and maybe his backing away wasn't personal. Men like space, especially after the getting to know each other kinda of wears off. Where you are at, the waiting, and the what did I do when they don't call is a horrible feeling. Make your social life larger. Let him make the next move. Time will tell. Accusations will make him run whether he is guilty or innocent. Chances are he is divorced and being free is important.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (4 January 2011):

YouWish agony auntI'd skip the whole "where were you" thing and focus on the age. That's a pretty big lie to tell someone - an 8 year age difference. You should drop him on no other basis but that. That's not a small issue.

The fact that he's being cagey and changing now is upsetting in the light of his age lie. Is he next going to tell you that he is married? Has herpes? He's got a criminal record?

You need to get away from him and find someone and start a relationship built on the truth. A good looking person who is a smooth talker are a dime a dozen.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011):

"told me he was 33 and he is really 41"

So, what more do you really need to know? This is a massive red flag waving from every rooftop.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011):

Yeah 100%. And then getting defensive totally gives it away. Of course guys get defensive when they are hiding something.

Ditch this guy. He is a loser.

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A female reader, Stayc63088 United States +, writes (4 January 2011):

Stayc63088 agony auntThe relationship started with a lie. I don't see how it could go anywhere. I agree that he probably doesn't see it going anywhere and didn't feel the need to be upfront about his age. Dump him. And I do think that getting really defensive is when you have something to hide. If you asked one question and he became irritated and defensive, he is probably lying. I can only understand getting that way if you asked the same thing 10 times and he begins to get frustrated. But anyhow, why the hell would you try to have something serious with someone who starts it out with a giant lie..? No honest person would do that. I mean a person who would be honest in the relationship, meaning he will lie at any time to fit his needs. Nothing worse than a liar. And can't have a relationship without honesty. So already having these problems after just 8 weeks?? Run.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011):

I just want to know if you and him said you were only seeing each other. Also I want to know if you are seeing anyone too. That might help.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011):

Trust you instincts and let him go.

If he's lying about his age to make himself more appealing, can and probably will lie about other things.

He may or may not have been with someone else, but it's obvious you don't trust him.

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A female reader, Windbreeze62 United States +, writes (4 January 2011):

Windbreeze62 agony auntFind out why did he lie about his age. Is there a record for the 41 year old? Alot of men do get defensive when asked any question that they feel they don't have to answer. How would you feel if asked the same exact question? Me myself would answer it first time but if you keep nailing it in me then I would become defensive out of frustration of you keep going at it. Loll

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A male reader, foolishsage United States +, writes (4 January 2011):

foolishsage agony auntWell, if he started it off with a lie about his age... ...that might show that he has a pre-disposition to telling lies. And should probably be avoided/ gotten rid of. Without honesty/ communication, there's nothing there.

I don't know the basis of your thoughts that he found somebody else to play with or is back w/ his ex, but that seems kind of odd to come out and accuse him of one of those things without anything to back it up.

If you trust him so little that you suspect something like that, then just drop him - you're only 8 weeks in

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A reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011):

Dump him. If he's lied about his age he's obviously not serious about you. He probably thinks that the relationship will not last long enough to have to come clean.

Maybe he's also dishonest about having met someone else. That's not clear. But follow your instincts. You obviously feel that something is not right - he's more distant, less available,...whatever! Trust your instincts.

In any case, the age thing is enough to distrust him.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011):

If you were asking in an aggressive or angry tone he may have been scared off a bit. Christmas is a pretty busy time.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011):

He lies and is too busy to spend time with you and gives no explanation for it yet you are still there pandering to him. He has you right where he wants you and probably the other lady too if he's not juggling more than that. You've moved further down in the que and will have to compete your way back up and you can do that by making no demands and jumping through hoops to be his top girl.

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A male reader, dirtball United States +, writes (4 January 2011):

dirtball agony auntMaybe. Anyone gets defensive when they feel attacked, even when they have nothing to hide. That's just human nature. I honestly think you freaked out a little. The holidays are busy for everyone, and him being a little more distant for a week isn't cause to suspect or accuse someone of cheating.

You do have other reasons to not trust him. Lies beget lies. If he is lying about his age, that's a bad sign.

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A female reader, InLoveW/Love United States +, writes (4 January 2011):

Guys will always tell on themselves, unless your dealing with an experienced con. You discovered his lie right underneath his nose so this guy can't be too experienced.

You already know he's hiding something. He lied about something so basic as age. Eight years is a huge difference! This guy is definitely lying and you sound like you already know.

Dump him!

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A male reader, doublejack United States +, writes (4 January 2011):

Well, lying about his age is pretty conclusive evidence that he's not trustworthy. Your suspicion that he's found another woman very well could be correct. I recommend cutting him off and moving on.

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