A
female
age
51-59,
*razy8
writes:I had an affair 3 years ago with a man I thought I loved. I was so messed up from it I slept with another man just to get over the man I was in love with. I have been married to my husband for over 20 years and have not slept with anyone else! It has been over three years and the guilt and shame is killing me.. My husband is very unstable and would probably kill him self. What to do? Do I just live with my new life choices and live with the guilt and keep it between me and my god?
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (2 August 2010):
Despite the best intentions, I dont believe a relationship can ever move forward on a lie. Ask yourself - would you want to know? That tells you everything you need to know.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2010): If I killed a man and I'm sorry I did it, then why should I tell his grieving family and the police that I did it?
Going to jail for the rest of my life would only destroy more lives over this.
My guilt is punishment enough. I won't unburden myself onto the grieving family like that.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (2 August 2010):
 Telling your husband is would generally be the right thing to do. You do this because it releases guilt, and it allows for forgiveness and healing.
Under the circumstances, I'd say your husbands life is more important than this need for forgiveness at this point. You need to judge whether or not now is the time.
Why did you cheat? That's important to recognize as well. Either your not complete with yourself or their was something you're lacking in your marriage. Remember, cheating is not proper to solving either. What did it change? It gave you guilt and shame that won't go away, but other than that, what benefit did you receive?
I think it's important at this point that you two get into counseling. You both need it. He doesn't need to know right away that you are working on the guilt and shame, but with his instability, it's important he gets help to become more stable. Once that's complete, you two can rejoin in a couple counseling setting and work on your marriage, which then you may want to come clean so you two can start fresh with a clean slate. Forgiveness is not to excuse what you had done, but it's to validate you're still important despite what you had done.
I hope this helps.
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A
male
reader, Compartmentalizing +, writes (2 August 2010):
Men are simple people, we are easily entertained and easily destroyed. I have to look at this at this as if I was in that situation, and I would not want to know. I love my wife who I have been married to for 13 years, and if I found out she cheated on me it would literally rip my world apart. The trust would be gone, the relationship would be over, and the pain wouldn't stop for many years. If you ask him if he would want to know, he would tell you he would want to know, but this is something you must keep to yourself. Do not let your guilt make you do something foolish and hurt someone else. If you are having a hard time dealing with the pain you have caused, seek counseling, it is a great way to get it off your chest and get some professional advice.
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (2 August 2010):
 Absolutely don't tell him, ever. Why would you decide to inflict that much pain on him just to absolve your guilt.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (1 August 2010):
 Having an affair is a symptom of a faltering relationship. Work on fixing the relationship thus removing the possibility of cheating again.
Telling your husband is unkind if the intention is to make yourself feel better. Will the information be hurtful or helpful to him? I suggest you tell a priest or a good friend to help you deal with this. The guilt might well remain with you forever.
Focus on making your marriage better and if you feel the need to cheat again, leave your husband before you do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2010): Don't tell him.
I agree with the first answer. Why should he share your burden? If you feel guilty that is your punishment enough.
But I do not imply any judgement. I was in the similar situation once. Although it was not my husband, but my boyfriend and I am younger than you are. I’ve always believed in trust and honesty in relationship. When I breached the trust I wanted to at least save the honesty part and come clean. I did not want to continue building the relationship on lies. Also there was excruciating feeling of guilt that was eating me inside and I felt that I deserve whatever punishment I will get (even If I lose my love-my partner). I also felt that I did not deserve to be with him after I've cheated.
Eventually I came clean, he was very hurt but and after some time he managed to forgive me. However I never forgave myself, and the guilt is always with me (although he never brought it up again). And I also know that he did not just forget it, it obviously left a mark on him. So now I am thinking that maybe I should have kept it to myself and spare his feelings.
But really it is personal matter and everyone needs to decide themselves. You know your life and circumstances better than anyone. Just think before you do anything.
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A
female
reader, Jendorset  +, writes (1 August 2010):
I would say come clean if it will make you feel better but i think it will make you feel WORSE. Because you will hurt your husband and why should he be hurt just so you can shift your guilt. It was three years ago and although you feel bad its time to move on and let the past go.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2010): If someone is too unskilled to interpret it and respond in a healthy way with a risk of a destructive response, it is certainly in his best interest to withhold the information.
I say learn how to not feel guilt so you can live with yourself. Promise yourself you'll never do it again.
It's in the past. Let it go.
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