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Do you have any suggestions for me, or for my ex?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Gay relationships, The ex-factor, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (25 January 2010) 2 Answers - (Newest, 7 February 2010)
A female Australia age , anonymous writes:

I am in a very confusing situation. Firstly, after a one year relationship, my partner and I decided to separate. The problems we had were actually external to our relationship, but had a huge affect on our relationship. So we thought it was just too hard and splitup, but still kept seeing each other as we did before, still loved each other very deeply. About 4wks ago, she asked me if there would be another chance for us to be together. My answer was no, because I couldn't see any solution to our problems. She had been talking to a girl just as a friend, in the hope that she would have someone to watch tennis with, as I couldn't go anyway. The night before she left to watch the tennis, I told her she probably will hit it off with the other girl and not come back. She said that wasn't going to happen, she loved me too much. But we both ended up crying and saying how we don't want to let each other go ever. Then she met up with the girl, and hit it off with her, straight into bed, and saying she loves her, and still loves me. They spent 2 weeks together on this holiday for the tennis. Then my ex came back, and straight into my bed, until it was time to go to watch more tennis with the new girlfriend. We made a pact that we would not let the new girlfriend know about us, simply because we don't want to let each other go, we don't want to give up what we have. So my ex is now very confused, she is not happy she is cheating on the new girl, but still doesn't want to lose me, as she says, she has the most profound love for me. She is also upset that the new girl can't tell her she loves her back. And that the new girl will only say she is crazy about her and wants to be with her, but can't say she loves her. And also told my ex that she should be more careful with her heart.

I have had my ex on the phone crying, and saying she just wants hugs from someone she knows really loves her. It is heartbreaking for me to know she is hurting so much. They now have one week left together before the new girl goes back home (different state), my ex has agreed not to talk about feelings and emotions and to just enjoy the week they have left together without any more pressure of the 'love' word on the new girl. I had my first new date yesterday, and will see the new date again tomorrow. But I won't be rushing into bed or anything serious for a while yet, as I think I need to resolve the relationship I still have with my ex first, just to be fair on any new relationship.

I don't want to do anything to split her from this new girl, as I don't want to get the blame when it goes wrong. I am already blaming myself and regretting saying 'no' to her before she left. For me, it feels like I had to lose her to some degree, in order to realise how deeply in love with her I was/am, and that all our problems really could have been sorted, if we had put our heads together earlier.

Do you have any suggestions for me, or for my ex. I know I can't advise my ex myself, as she has rose tinted glasses on and can't see red flags at the moment. I just can't see where this is going to end, except that I think my ex is going to be really hurt one way or another.

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A female reader, AuntyAlexxmo United Kingdom +, writes (7 February 2010):

AuntyAlexxmo agony auntYou seem to care more about your ex and how she is feeling more than you do yourself, now it is great to be a caring person but it is not great to put the needs or feelings of others before your own.

You ex is a very confused person that is clear but while she has the best of many world eg your bed and the other girls bed too. And it is you who are made to feel bad when you have done not one thing wrong.

You spilt up and you decided to keep it that way so now what you need is distance, time to heal and as impossible as it may seem time to get over her, which will never happen if you are still sleeping together or in constant contact.

In my opinion to much water has gone under the bridge and to much hurt has been caused and getting back to a happy stable relationship would be near impossible.

Good luck with your situation and please give me some feedback on how this goes for you as i really feel for you as this is a situation i can relate to and know just how painful it is.

X

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A female reader, visione United States +, writes (29 January 2010):

visione agony auntWhoa this seems like a MESS. First of all, what is keeping you away from your ex? Second of all, if this is really keeping you two apart, you should just leave at that. Cut it off and stop pursuing it in any form. You two are dragging on the hurt now (but if you truly want to be together, then what is keeping you apart? Love knows no bounds). Third of all, your ex is confused because you keep giving her signals that its okay for her to be with you as well as this new girl. It's not fair for any of the parties involved, especially not for your ex. She can't get over you (you two aren't allowing any getting-over time) and now she's involved with someone else in a dishonest way, possibly because she feels lonely/need to be with someone/wants to fill your gap. It's also unfair to the new girl because they've only been together a short time and your ex already wants the "love" phrase? You can't know someone in that short of a time.

This is only going to get worse until someone makes the move to cut things off, and yes she will be hurt one way or the other because this problem has been dragging on for far too long already.

You can either tell her that you love her and want to be with her and make it exclusive, and work through all the hardships and problems... or you can tell her to devolve your relationship with her to a friendship level, but only after a period of no contact so you two can heal. I can't make that decision for you though.

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